Category: Motherhood

How Joy Fuels Resilience

“Joy is the oxygen for doing hard things in the world.” -Gary Haugen

I was listening to a podcast one day as I drove and I heard these words. I reached quickly for the pause button and released the breath that had seized in my lungs.

“Joy is the oxygen for doing hard things in the world.”

Do you ever hear a phrase or idea that just makes you hit pause on your inner dialogue?

I repeated the words out loud, mulling them over, contemplating the feel of them on my lips.

“Joy is the oxygen for doing hard things in the world.”

The man who said this is Gary Haugen. He is the founder and CEO of the International Justice Mission. His work to help “the least of these” in the most dire and unjust of circumstances forces him to come face to face with sin, exploitation, and brokenness every single day. He says that no one can do that kind of work without attending to their own souls; without coming up for air.

And this air he speaks of?

It’s joy.

“Joy is the oxygen for doing hard things.”

He and his colleagues force themselves to be intentional about laughter and silliness. This is not to ignore the devastation that they see and know all too well, but instead to sustain their engagement with it. 

Oxygen for the hard – that seems to be the elusive chase I am on.

My parents gifted me the name “Joy” as my middle name, mirroring my mother’s own middle name. Twenty-five years later I would bestow the same name on my own sweet daughter, adding it to the two names she’d already been given by her biological mother.

In general, I consider myself to be a joyful person – one who carries optimism and positivity and sees the world in that glass-half-full sort of perspective. But the last few years have brought deep fear, deep grief and deep pain that have challenged that inner baseline.

Joy, at times, has felt like sand sifting between my fingers. Something I just can’t quite hold on to.

Sometimes the thought of joy has felt like betrayal. How do you hold both grief and joy in your hands simultaneously?

But this joy is the fuel that allows us to sustain and continue engaging in the beautiful, heart-breaking, messiness of the life and world we find ourselves in.

It’s what fuels our resilience – our ability to get back up, keep going, try again.

So how do we seek out joy in our lives?

  1. Presence – we live in a world that is obsessed with moving faster, further, quicker. It takes intentionality to choose to sit in the present moment and notice what is going on around us and inside of us. I am convinced that slowing down to notice the present moment and engage it propels us toward joy. Letting go of both past and present allows us to be fully alive in ways that we rarely experience. Present moment awareness invites us to see beauty, to acknowledge our own emotions and to get off the hamster wheel. Notice the sunlight filtering through the trees, the sticky hands tucked inside your own, the swell of the music, the flicker of the firelight. Notice the way your breathing slows when you close your eyes. Notice and name the emotions you are experiencing and give them space to be before rushing past them or pushing them away.

2. Gratitude – More and more studies offer evidence that practising gratitude can radically shift our hormonal levels, physical and spiritual health and resiliency. Gratitude rejects the scarcity mentality that screams we are not enough, that we don’t have enough, that we need to conserve and protect our resources, time and energy to survive. Gratitude embraces enoughness, abundance and rest. It sits smack in the middle of the hard, looks up and hunts for the gift of a breath, a sunny day, a tender moment. It’s a gateway to joy.

3. Play – as children, we intuitively knew the pathway to joy was through play. But somehow, as grown ups, we think this has changed. Joy must be found through productivity or efficiency and play is something for children or something reserved for a few scarce hours of the week. Play beckons us to lay aside the measuring sticks and qualifiers and should haves and invites us to enter into curiosity, delight and adventure. Choosing to play as an adult can feel like a bit of a revolution. Am I even allowed to play? Shouldn’t I be doing something better right now? What would it look like for you to choose to play today? When is the last time you did something that was really fun? Do you like to participate in sports? Paint? Ride horses? Swim? Dance? Life is heavy and hard and just a lot – but play makes it feel just a little lighter.

4. Curiosity – I believe that asking questions, wondering and taking a stance of humility gives us access to joy. Again, as children we didn’t presume to know it all or have it all figured out. We asked questions. We wondered. We went exploring and hypothesized and experimented. On a recent hike on the forest trail near our home, we met a man with a woven basket in hand hunting for mushrooms. I watched my son’s eyes as he learned words like posporous and fungus and broke apart a small poisonous puffball that emitted a dark, cloudy substance. Did you know there are mushrooms that turn leathery when dried and can be formed into hats? Did you know that mushrooms are neither plants nor animals but take in oxygen in a way that makes them more similiar to an animal than a plant? For the next leg of our hike my son’s eyes scanned the tree trunks, mossy fallen logs and wet undergrowth for signs of mushrooms. He lit up with curiosity. Carrying the weight of knowledge is heavy. I know it feels like everyone else has this life thing all figured out. I know you feel like everyone else in the room knows the answers. I know that living under the eye of expectations makes you feel like you need to show up with answers, strategies and expertise. But who is asking you to know all these things? What if we were never meant to carry all this knowledge? We are over-informed, over-stimulated and over-educated with a giant suitcase of anxiety to show for it. What if there is freedom and joy found in the words “I don’t know.” What if we sat back and let ourselves sit in the curiosity for a moment before we rush to google for answers. As we follow our curiosity, we will find ourselves learning new things and growing in ways we never anticipated.

5. Abide – In the book of Nehemiah we find a verse that says, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” In context, this verse is found in chapter 8, after the walls of Jerusalem have been reassembled and the exiled peoples have been brought back together. As the Law of Moses is read before the people, they begin to weep and mourn. They see their sin and shortcomings and they are grieving all that has gone awry in the story of God’s chosen people. But Ezra and the Levites encourage the people to calm themselves, go their way and rejoice in the holiness of this day. “Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy the of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10) There is a time for repentance and mourning and fasting and lent…but ultimately this is not where our hope and strength lie! Our hope, our strength, our joy is found in abiding in Christ. His joy is one that can ground us amidst the darkest of chapters.

“Joy is the oxygen for doing hard things in the world.”

What does your hard look like right now?

What feels heavy?

Where are you counting your resources or capacity and coming up short?

Have you considered how you might be able to infuse JOY into your present reality?

Not to dismiss the hard.

Not to try to white knuckle your way through a difficult season.

Not to minimize the grief or the fear or the brokenness of the world.

No, the purpose of this JOY is to find strength and endurance!

Strength to keep going; to keep investing in the hard spaces, the challenging relationships, the slow, meticulous work of tearing down the lies and seeking truth.

You need oxygen, friend.

You need a steady source of nourishment and hydration that will sustain you through every last leg of the journey.

Some might call this self care.

Some might call this inner work or the building of resilience.

Today we’re calling it oxygen and we’re tracing it’s source back to joy.

Presence, gratitude, play, curiosity and abiding.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy.” Psalm 16:

Statistics

May is foster care awareness month.

My goal this month is to post in some medium on a daily basis to create greater awareness of needs, dispel some myths and encourage those impacted by foster care.

I’d be so delighted if you are able to join me this month. Additionally, if anything I say sparks curiosity, resonates with you or inspires you, please take the time to share that in some way with someone in your life.

It takes a community to care, to create lasting change and to build support around the vulnerable. It all begins with a conversation.

May 2: The Statistics

“Without knowledge, action is useless; and knowledge without action is futile.”

-Abu Bakr

According to the Ontario Association of Children’s Aid Societies, in 2024 there were an average of 8200 children and youth in care in Ontario each month. Over half (56%) of those were youths aged *16-22+.

Every region in Ontario is in desperate need of more foster homes in order to be able to place these children in safe, loving environments while the agency works with the caregivers to try to increase safety and well being. Many children are needing to be moved far from their home, family, school and services to be placed in a foster home. This makes the process of supporting and reunifying the family unit much more challenging. It also increases the traumatic impact on the child and the losses they incur during that separation process.

Poidata states that there are 4 841 churches in Ontario. When we compare this to the average 8200 children in care each month, this means that if each church in Ontario cared for just two children in care, there would be more than enough homes for the 1% of children who are removed from their families and in need of a safe place to stay.

So how do these families become connected to a child welfare agency?

Most of these families will get connected throuh referrals from concerned individuals such as teachers, neighbours, family members or friends. Some referrals are made by police or other public service agencies.

Everyone in Ontario, including general citizens and people who work closely with children, are required by law to report suspected child abuse or neglect of a child under the age of 16 to your local child welfare agency. While this may feel like a difficult decision, it’s always best to ere on the side of caution and allow professionals to decide whether or not your concerns are in need of further investigation.

More than 125 000 calls or referrals requesting family assistance were made in Ontario in the 2023-2024 fiscal year.

Out of these, 63 000 (just under half) required a full child protection investigation. The rest of these referrals did not require a full investigation and/or were connected with community resources that would further equip and proactively offer protection.

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com on Pexels.com

When a full investigation was completed,

  • 97% resulted in children and youth remaining at home with their families while agencies work alongside to offer support and buffering care
  • A mere 2% of those investigations resulted in a child needing to be removed from their home and placed within the home of a family member, friend, neighbour, etc.
  • Only 1% of those investigations resulted in a child or youth being removed from their home and placed into foster care

Child Welfare systems are overwhelmed, undersupported, working with minimal resources and surrounded by legal “red tape” that governs their ability to provide services and protection to children and families. Despite that, they are working diligently to provide support to families that will enable them to keep children at home with their parents. This might look like finding funding, respite or educational opportunities for caregivers. It may also include assistance for parents in navigating challenging systems and connecting them with community supports. It might look like offering 1:1 parenting coaching, group parenting classes or connecting parents with services needed.

Child Protection Workers work hard to find creative, supportive and respectful ways to support struggling families.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

Contrary to popular opinion, children are not taken from families lightly and child welfare agencies certainly are not interested in removing children without proof of significant danger and only after many attempts have been made to remediate the situation in other ways.

So what can we do about these statistics?

  1. Pray – Offering support to hurting, vulnerable and broken families requires much grace and wisdom. Pray for the families, youth and children represented by these statistics. Pray for the social workers and agencies on the front lines attempting to offer support to these families. Pray for families currently offering care to these children and pray that more families will step into the gap to fill these needs. Pray for churches to get involved – that as Jesus followers we would be willing to bridge the gap between child welfare agencies and Christians who are eager to care. Pray for the hands and feet of Jesus to be evident in Ontario’s foster care system in undeniable ways.

35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,[a] you did it to me.’”

Matthew 25:35-40

2. Start the Conversation – Whether this is at your dinner table tonight, in your weekly small group, your workplace or with your neighbours…start a conversation that is both factual and compassionate. The way we speak about foster care and the people within this system matters. Talk to your spouse about how you might be able to get involved as a family. Talk to your teens about the reality that many of their peers are living in. Talk to your kids about why a child at school might be having a hard time and how not all families look the same. Talk to the people in your church about how you might be able to offer care to those in your community who are struggling. Talk to foster, adoptive, kinship and customary care families about their experiences and ask how you might be able to offer support to them.

“8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

-1 Peter 4:8

3. Act – Lastly, however you are prompted by the Spirit – take action. Make a phone call to your local foster care agency or a family you know who is providing foster care. Make a plan for how you are going to support a foster family or how you might be able to help support a struggling family. Continue to educate yourself about how foster care is impacting your community and what efforts are being made to alleviate risk factors.

Thank you for caring!

-AF

*Did you know that child welfare agencies provide supports to youth “aging out” of the system up to the age of 22 and even older? There are myriads of ways you can support these young adults in your community.

Some practical needs include: housing in the form of an extra room to rent out to a youth attempting independence or lacking family support, providing transportation, mentorship opportunities, etc.

Think of all the things you didn’t know at age 18, 20 or 22. College applications, healthcare, employment opportunities…all of these are huge and scary realities that a teen emerging from foster care or a dysfunctional family environment may need support navigating.

Finding my Voice

It’s been a long time.

I’ve been quiet here for a couple of years now. There have been too many things to say and yet so little ability to articulate those experiences and thoughts, so I froze.

Grief, trauma and broken relationships have a way of stealing a person’s voice – hiding them under a heavy cloak of fear, disillusionment and shame.

And then there is the exhaustion that comes and overtakes and sucks up every last ounce of your resources. Your brain and body kick into conservation mode, desperate to reserve enough energy to make it through the day.

My own story is so intertwined with others’ stories that it feels nearly impossible to figure out how to talk about what is going on inside of me and in my life without revealing too much of someone else’s story.

But I’ll try.

The hard truth is that we – my family and I -are not ok. We haven’t been ok for quite some time now. It feels uncomfortable to just leave that sitting there…but that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Opening up this page again to start writing is me choosing brave and burying the shame and fear that would like to keep me silent.

I know that I’m not alone. There are more of you out there who are not ok and there is no light at the end of the tunnel in view to run toward.

It’s ok to admit that.

It’s important to admit that.

The fixer in me desperately wants to rush toward the bow tie of this post – to come up with some silver lining to cling to. I’m not denying that the potential for that is here, but I’m saying maybe that’s not what is needed right now.

It has been said of grief, of writing and of art,

“It takes as long as it takes.”

Does anyone else feel a surge of irritation at those words?

Does anyone else also feel a deep and pulsing calm?

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Drop your shoulders.

“It takes as long as it takes.”

We create these timelines in our minds; goals, expectations and hope are all pinned to that progressive, horizontal line.

But then life comes and sends us spiralling off that line and into some other reality that we have not considered. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of way to measure progress over here.

I used to think that the word faithfulness described an outcome, with positive data and results that I could meaure and analyze and replicate.

I think now that faithfulness describes a state of being. It involves someone practising deep presence and abiding fully in the harsh, delightful, mundane realities of life. It is less about something you do, and more about who you are.

The strength of faithfulness is in our understanding of our identity. Faithfulness is born out of a knowledge that we are deeply, unconditionally loved by God.

It’s almost impossible to measure.

When conducting a science experiment, it’s important to make sure that only a singular variable exists within the experiment. Every component must be identical except for the one that you are planning to change. In this way, we are able to determine whether the impacts observed are truly results of the one component that has shifted.

Our lives as Believers can be explained in similiar language. When we are born again into a saving faith, there is only One component that truly shifts. But suddenly, our identity has changed. With the covering of our sins by the completed work of Jesus, we become heirs to an entirely new existence and reality. We are set free.

However, our physical reality here on earth remains the same. We still exist in a very physical, broken and sin filled world. We still live within the parameters of our own humanity and others’ sinful choices. Every day we wade through the mess of a world that is tainted and decomposing around us. We live inside of human bodies that betray us, constrict us and limit us.

Sanctification is the process in which Jesus takes our surrendered hearts and changes them from one degree of glory to the next. It is the proccess of our minds and hearts being renewed day by day. It is the gradual, patient work of healing and forming new rhythms and choosing gratitude. It includes the physical neurological work of rewiring our brains by the slow, intentional shifting of our daily choices.

When Jesus saves us, He doesn’t save us from the world and all it’s difficulties, but instead promises that our reality within that world is going to change.

We will be changed.

Faithfulness, the way our Father describes it, is simply relationship. It is acknowledging that now we exist within the reality of Emmanuel – God with us. In the middle of our same broken, flawed, sin tainted reality we suddenly have a new Presence and Light. Choosing to cast our weary selves upon that Presence is where faithfulness is found and where the glory of God is revealed to us and others.

Advent came and went a few months ago, and there doesn’t seem to be a break in sight.

No break in the pressing daily realities of parenting my children,

No break in the seemingly steady waves of grief and loss that continue to wash up on our shores,

No break in the hard work of fighting for healing and justice and services,

No break in the layers of trauma that need to be stripped away so that those I love most can experience love and joy.

But Emmanuel – God with us – brings Peace.

Knowing that I am not alone and that He is all about changing me from the inside out helps me fix my eyes on Him instead of our circumstances.

This thing I’m wrestling to the ground might never change.

But I will change – He will make sure of that.

This hard might never get easier.

But I will see it differently – He has promised growth and vitality.

This might be only the beginnning of a very hard, long season.

But I will be granted endurance for one day at a time to trudge through it.

“As we consider our family’s story, our hope is not in a happily ever after, but in knowing the Author.” -Jamie Finn

-AF

10 Things to Know Before Becoming a Foster Parent

May 5
There are a few important things to know before you consider becoming a foster parent.

  1. This is not about you.  Foster care is about bringing your family to a child and their family, for a season that is not determined by your own desires or even your ability to provide for this child.  Your wishes will not always be granted.  Your advice will not always be followed.  Your opinion will not always be asked.  Your feelings, your family, your schedule and your time will not always be considered.  Entering this world means that you are agreeing to put this child’s needs above your own and that you are committing to working alongside a government agency that will ultimately have control over this child’s life. Sometimes it will feel like they control your life as well. 
  2. Foster care usually does not end in adoption.  While children will sometimes need a new permanent family to care for them, that is the result of much more than just a child being placed in foster care.  If you are committing to foster care, it’s important to realize that this will most likely end in you saying goodbye to a child you deeply love and care for.  The goal is for biological parents to receive the support they need to raise their children.  As foster parents you need to be ready to focus your energy and support in that direction, not in building your family.  I still have to preach this to myself every single time a child enters my home and leaves my home. It is so hard to see past the complicated aspects of each situation to the broader picture. As a society we need to be focused on equipping parents to parent, not on removing children from their families and placing them in new ones. Adoption brings it’s own unique challenges. There will never be enough adoptive homes for all the children living in vulnerable situations, but if we can equip parents to parent intuitively and responsibly we are starting to heal the huge tear in the walls of the family structure.     
  3. It will hurt.  Saying goodbye will hurt.  Playing the part of the parent who stands in the gap will feel uncomfortable.  Watching a child go through painful transitions will leave you feeling helpless.  Hearing your child’s story will make you feel anger, pain and fear like you’ve never felt before.  Loving another parent’s child will hurt.  What you will quickly discover, however, is that your hurt quickly pales in comparison to the hurt experienced by your foster child and their biological family.  Their hurt will become your motivation to love, protect, honor and keep doing the next thing.
  4. Trauma matters.  Children who enter your home through foster care have always experienced trauma of some kind and will need to be parented differently as a result of this.  You need to understand how trauma, even prenatal trauma,  impacts a child’s neurological, physical, emotional and spiritual health.  This is crucial.  It cannot be a side thing.  This knowledge of trauma must be the foundation of your parenting philosophy with these children.  So do the research, find the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly.
  5. It will take time to feel like you love them.  Sure, you may get that adrenaline rush of love and protection and passion when they first enter your arms, your home, your heart.  But it will quickly be followed by a feeling of fear and dismay and ‘what have I done?’  This child will be a stranger to you for the first while, and that is okay.  You will feel like a babysitter before you feel like a parent.  Then one day you will wake up and realize you would die for this child and that you cannot remember what it was like without them in your life.  Don’t beat yourself up when you struggle to attach. They are dealing with the same challenge. Remember that and let it lead you toward compassionate responses.
  6. Know why you’re here.  Some people will love you and others will hate you for being involved in this system.  The opinions will come, often when you least expect and from those you did not ask.  They will have stories, warnings, accolades and flattery to offer you.  Learn to let them all slide off your back; both the love and the hate.  You know you’re not a hero and you know you’re not a villain.  The admiration of those looking in or the hate of those scarred by it are all irrelevant when it comes to you and your story.  You have made this decision based on many factors and their opinions are not one of them.  Know why you are in this and remind yourself of it often.
  7. You will never really be ready.  You won’t ever really be prepared to bring a stranger into your home or have a social worker tell you how to parent.  You will never really be ready to meet your child’s biological parent and calmly face their anger and hurt.  You will never really be ready to have your home, your family, your life and your past dissected by someone you hardly know to try to gain ‘approval’ from a system you barely understand and definitely don’t trust.  You will never really be ready to be spit on, kicked, screamed at and falsely accused.  You will never really be ready to hear the hard parts of their stories or find the words to explain heartbreak, abandonment, shame and abuse.  You will never really be ready to say goodbye to a child you have loved and fought for and protected.  Please don’t wait to be ready, and don’t be surprised when every last thing about foster care leaves you feeling like the breath just got snatched from your lungs.  Believe it or not, this is normal. 
  8. You don’t have to ride the roller coaster.  There will be highs and lows, promises and demands, fears and failures.  These emotions, words and desires can send you spiraling through loops, soaring on hope and crashing in despair.  Know that you do not have to take that ride!  You can be wise, discerning and prayerful.  You can hold your heart close and your words in check.  You can take one day at a time and refuse to make promises you can’t keep.  This is not being cynical, this is guarding your heart in the best of ways.  Loving a child in foster care well requires a deep commitment to truth and a resolve to take only the step right in front of you.  It is so tempting to run ahead, join the blame and shame game or throw your hands up in frustration.  Stay the course, be loyally in the present and keep your heart safely moored to the One who can steady you.
  9. You will need support.  This might be your church family, your parents, your neighbours or your life group.  It might be therapists, teachers or doctors.  It doesn’t really matter who it is, it just matters that you have them.  People who see you and love both you and the children you bring into your home, unconditionally.  People who will babysit, listen to your frustrations and fears, encourage you to keep going and point out the flaws in your perspective.  People who will tell you when to take a break and support you when you say yes anyway.  You are going to need people you can share the hard stuff with and know that it’s not going any further than their ears.  When the stories are hard, the day was long and the court dates are looming…you need someone to call.  Find your people.  Not only will you need them, but the children you bring into your home will be richly blessed by having a community around them.        
  10. There will be easy days. I know, after all that I just said this feels a little odd and unexpected. But it’s true. There will be days you forget that child is not your biological child or that they will one day leave your home. There will be days when the routines feel seamless and the love comes easy and it feels like a match made in heaven. There will be days they are regulated and calm and you can parent them the way you would parent a biological child. There will be days you look down and feel a love so deep it overwhelms you. There will be days that feel normal and predictable. These might be common or they might be that one in a million feeling, depending on the child and the circumstances. But they will come, I promise.          

Are you ready to say yes to this adventure of love and loss and grace? I would love to walk alongside you. Send me a message or email. It is hard but so worth it!

~AF

Finding Hope in Foster Care

“I feel like the wins are just so hard to come by,” I said to her, my voice breaking a bit on the grief that flooded through me with those words. She nodded, heart in her eyes. I didn’t have to explain this to her. She knows all too well.

I know why I do this-foster care, that is.

I have a foundation that is rock solid…mostly.

But when the goodbyes pile up, disappointment and disillusionment launch right into that vulnerable cavern and nest deep in my heart.

What is the point?

The system is impossibly broken.

No one will listen to us.

Ultimately people who have never met this child will make life-altering decisions for all of us. The child, their biological family, me, my husband and even my children.

It’s so unfair.

Does what I do make any difference?

We tried to protect her, but now our hands are tied. We make the hard call, and then we sit back in the impossibly sad reality of her story. We sit as helpless bystanders on the edge of our seats watching her fall, fall, fall. One by one the safeguards we’ve put in place fall away and she’s left terrifyingly vulnerable to her own devices and coping mechanisms. Our limited capacity has never felt more like a betrayal than now.

I’ve mothered him for two years, nurturing him through the chaos and confusion and achingly slow progress of healing and advocating for all of his needs, but now suddenly he is pulled from under my wings. Nobody asks me if this is best. Everyone knows it isn’t. Nobody says the words that keep me awake late at night…what if he will not be ok? When the time comes, it is me who has to deliver the heartbreaking truth and hold his small body as he sobs into my chest. I feel emptier and more broken than I ever thought possible. I must become the betrayer. Over and over and over again as he begs not to go, for me not to leave. I really wanted to be his Mommy. I thought that I was. Who am I now to this child?

It’s only been a few weeks, but it’s been weeks of holding, holding, holding. Rocking, singing, bathing and delighting in every perfect feature of his personhood. It was us who walked the hospital hallways cradling his tense little body tight. It was us who brought him into his first home and watched every little twitch and grimace he made as he slept in the safe warmth of our tiny nursery. His first Christmas, first smile, first full night of sleep, first tummy ache, first walk, first toy…the firsts could go on and on. The goodbye is quick and devastating and sharp enough to take my breath away. I stumble through blinding tears out the door without him. Forever.

All of these and more pile up and I relive the pain of each one every time we say goodbye. Can I keep doing this? Justice and truth feel so far from this realm. Am I the good guy or the bad guy in this story? Nothing feels clear.

“You are not the story, you are only a part of the story.”

The words resonate deep and I breathe in the calm and peace they bring.

“Your season of service and faithfulness and pouring out may be over, but He is not done yet. He will not leave her or forsake her. His promises are as true today as they have always been.”

With truth, comes hope.

Hope – that the model of unconditional love, grace and mutual respect she has witnessed in our home will guide her toward healthy relationships, safe environments and truth.

Hope – that the leaps and bounds of development he made while in our care will carry him on into a bright future of literacy, independence and ability to communicate with the world around him.

Hope – that the hours and hours of gentle touches and cradling and singing and praying over his sweet, tiny head will bear the fruits of attachment and nourishment and health.

Hope – that the advocating I have done will set him and his new family up for succcess, despite the odds.

Hope – that the gospel will have found it’s root deep within her heart and that His word will not return void, but will instead bear a harvest that is glorious in due season.

#Isaiah 55:11

Hope – that the speech therapy and hours and hours of time spent side by side playing on the floor will give him a foundation of language that will enable him to communicate and to be seen and known for the beautiful boy that he is.

Hope – that this brief time in foster care will alleviate the stress in her birth family and that she will grow up in the care of her biological mom, unaware of the fleeting season she was ours.

Hope – that even in the saying of our no, our hardest no, that she would understand a love that is higher and deeper and wider than anything that she can imagine.

Hope – that the skills we have developed and the growth that He has procured in our hearts will flood forward and benefit the ones we have and the ones to come.

Hope – that the placing of his tiny life into the gentle arms of dear family members and friends, will carry him forward into a future where he will be loved and always wanted.

Hope – that the telling of their stories will bury the shame and give them confidence to embrace all that is theirs.

Hope – that our resting will bring strength and energy to bring into a new season before us.

Hope – that the hours and hours of training and rewiring our brains to think, act, speak and see differently will make us better, gentler, more skilled parents to the children in our home now and in the future.

Hope – that allowing the grief to swallow us at times will refine our hearts to love more purely and unselfishly and without thought of all that is to be sacrificed.

Hope – that exposure to these children and their families will bring our permanent members appreciation for what is theirs, compassion for those around them, life skills and character.

Hope – that in our greatest moments of weakness His strength will be magnified and made perfect.

#2 Corinthians 12:9

Hope – that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it, if not in this time span of our lives then in the broader, grander, incomprehendable vastness of the story that is His and His alone.

#Philipians 1:6

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

#Jeremiah 29:11

-AF

10 Ways To Prepare for a New Foster Placement

Preparing for a new child to enter your home through foster care is both exciting and apprehensive.

Usually we have less than twenty-four hours to get everything ready before the child is walking through the front door.

There are ten things that I try to do when I’m preparing for a new child to arrive.

  1. Prepare bedroom.  

    This is usually the first thing on my list as it’s the most important.  When the social worker arrives with the new child, they will both want to see where they will be sleeping and make sure there is a place for their things.  I like to keep a variety of bedding options on hand to pull out so I can accommodate boys or girls of the age range we typically foster.  I prepare the bed, do a quick tidy of the room and make sure there is plenty of room for clothing, diapers, etc.  If it’s an older child it’s nice to make sure there’s an empty hook in the hall closet for coats and backpack, a drawer or toothbrush holder in the bathroom and space in the bedroom for things they don’t want to share.

  2. Make a list of questions to ask the social worker upon arrival.  

    I am in the process of putting together a binder and printouts that I can use each time so I don’t have to rethink this one every time, but before they arrive I like to jot down any questions I have, dates to share and reminders for myself to bring up during our conversation.  The important ones are questions about routines for the child, medical concerns, contact info of the placing worker, and what to expect for access with biological family.  All of this should have been shared already over the phone or be included in the folder given at the time of placement but it never hurts to cover the main things twice.

  3. Pull out appropriate clothes, toys, equipment, etc.  

    I have a collection of baby equipment, clothes and toys in storage that are not currently being used.  When a new child is on their way I like to pull out any bins of clothing I think might fit and any equipment such as baby carriers, swings, rockers, etc I might want to use.  It’s nice to know what I have in case a child arrives with very little clothing, toys, etc.  This also helps me know what might need to go on my shopping list.

  4. Grocery shopping.

    The last thing you’re going to want to do within the first few days of a new placement is run to the store for food, so if there’s time I scope out the fridge and sneak in a shopping trip before the child’s arrival.  Included on that grocery list will be easy, kid friendly foods that most children will find comforting and familiar such as Kraft Dinner, chicken fingers, french fries and pizza.  I also like to make sure I have diapers, wipes, formula, toothbrushes, etc.  Some of these I keep on hand regularly.

  5. Laundry.  

    I like to be able to focus on settling in the new arrival without having to worry about us all having clothes to wear, so I often throw in a load or two of laundry as I’m waiting.

  6. Cook dinner.  

    Whether the child is expected to arrive first thing in the morning or nearly bedtime, I try to think ahead to the next couple meals and make sure I have some easy options available that won’t take too much time or attention on my part.

  7. Simplify my calendar.  

    In between placements, I try to keep going on as normal and planning life, even though I know those plans could be cancelled at any minute.  When I know for sure a new child is arriving, I always take a look at the next few weeks of my calendar and see if there’s anything that needs to be, or could be, eliminated.  This is also a good time to make sure there are no appointments, family plans, etc that you are going to require respite care, babysitting or special permission to take the child along for.  It’s good to bring those things up sooner rather than later, even though the child may have already left your home by the time you reach that date.

  8. Clean.  

    Whether it’s the bathrooms, bedrooms, floors or the fridge…if there’s a corner that has been bothering me for the last little while I try to get it cleaned before the child arrives as there’s no guarantee when the next opportunity might be!  Truthfully if I get to this one, it probably means the arrival is taking longer than expected and I’m having trouble waiting patiently!  🙂

  9. Take a shower and wash my hair.

    Particularly if there is a baby or toddler coming I try to get this done as it can be very difficult during the first couple days of getting a little one settled.

  10. Nap.

    Okay, so we all know this one is usually unrealistic.  Who has time to nap, especially while getting ready to welcome a new little person into your home!  Even if I do manage to lie down, my mind is usually too busy to be able to actually sleep.  It would, however, be a really great choice if you were able to do it!  Especially if you are about to bring a baby into your home.  Even older children will rarely sleep well the first week in a new home so bank up if you can!

 

And that’s it!

My top ten “Get Ready for a New Placement” goals.

What about you?

Anything you like to get done between the phone ringing and the front door opening?

I’d love to hear them!

AF

Home Educating Your Child During COVID-19

And suddenly thousands of mothers who have never, ever wanted to homeschool are teaching their children at home.

How is it going, sweet Mama?

I know this is not how you anticipated spending this school year. I hope you know you are being thrust into very unusual circumstances and that this is not what homeschooling mamas feel like all the time. As we all know, routine and expectations are a huge part of what makes our days successful, and you had zero time to prepare your home, your heart, your budget or your schedule for this radical change! I hope you are giving yourself boatloads of grace…and your children too!

I wanted to tell you a bit about how we are navigating this season here and hopefully give you some encouragement that will help both you and your children not just survive but thrive in this season of learning at home. If any of these points are encouraging and helpful, take them to heart. If any of these make you feel like hiding under the covers, ignore them! Take only the good stuff here, sisters!

  1. YOUR CHILDREN WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN WHETHER YOU ARE INTENTIONALLY DOING ACADEMICS OR NOT! Take a deep breath and relax! Your children don’t need worksheets, organized activities or 30 min using math apps every single day to keep their brains growing and learning. They are learning! As they draw pictures, build Lego structures, help unload the dishwasher, measure the flour and empty the trash. This is especially true for kids under eight as the research shows that most of their learning happens through play, exploration and hands on experiences. So don’t stress! Look for the learning that is already happening in your child’s day and chalk that up for today’s schoolwork. Write it down if you need help remembering not to have unrealistic expectations. Notice how he’s observing the different water temperatures as he washes his hands at the sink…and makes a horrendous mess in the process! See how her hands are moving carefully and slowly as she draws that butterfly. See how he is learning empathy as he helps his little brother. Don’t miss the way he’s problem solving as he builds that sand castle or how she’s learning time as she watches the clock waiting for snack time to finally come…again! God created those little brains with a curiosity that is insatiable! They are learning every moment of the day. It’s not all in your court. Do what you can and release the rest. Breathe.

2. LET THEM TURN THE SCREEN ON. I’m just going to admit it and own it. We’ve used more screen time in the last 6 months than we ever have before. Right now, my two little boys are downstairs watching Paw Patrol because I just can’t pull it together. I can’t put on my happy face and come up with cheerful answers right now. I can’t solve another squabble. I can’t handle the noise level of two happy, loud, active boys this afternoon or risk having the baby woken from her nap. I just need a break and a few minutes of silence. They might be there the rest of the afternoon. We have definitely surpassed the ‘hour a day’ screen recommendations many times lately. But you know what? Right alongside that increased screen time we’ve also had more time outside than normal. Without the obligations of school my children have had time to play in the sandbox, jump on the trampoline, swim at the beach, ride bikes, climb trees, play with their chickens and rabbits, go for walks and catch frogs. They’ve also had more naps, more quiet time and more sleep each night. They’ve had a more consistent, less busy lifestyle without all the stimulation from outside activities and people.

3. DO NOT LET YOURSELF MAKE ANY LONG TERM COMMITMENTS RIGHT NOW. My husband and I decided early on in our parenting journey that we would not commit to any one form of education long term. Instead, we try to take one year at a time and just see where life leads us. There have been opportunities, blessings, challenges and trauma that have influenced when, where and how our children learned from year to year. I am so thankful we were able to tweak our original plans as we went along to best suit the needs of our children each year. It can be so tempting to jump head first into one particular style of learning in a season when it feels like the perfect fit, but doing that often makes it hard for us to let go of that when our children or family move into a new season that just does not accommodate that style any longer. There may be a time, even this year in the midst of anxiety and pandemic chaos, when the best thing for your family is for your child to be at school. Right now I have three at school and two at home. There may be a time when home learning is the best option. Private school may be a good fit in some seasons and not in others. A particular teacher or program at school can make or break a child’s education experience and sometimes we don’t realize that until he or she is no longer there. When I first started homeschooling my youngest daughter, I thought I would do it forever. But then I learned more about her special needs and learning differences. I experienced the pressures of trying to balance mama and teacher to a child who struggles to learn, and I realized that I couldn’t do that for the next twelve years. I needed help. Right now she is thriving in a special education classroom at school in ways I never could have anticipated, while my older daughter whom I vowed I could never home school is home for the second year in a row! I’m so glad we gave public education another shot, and that we opened our hearts to home education for our older daughter.

4. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT LIKE ANYONE ELSE. You don’t have to fit a mold. You can unschool on Mondays, Charlotte Mason on Tuesdays, have an Eclectic Wednesday, gameschool on Thursday and totally wing it on Friday. You can mish-mash your curriculum, schedule and resources. You can try one thing for a week or a day or a month or a year and then abandon it if it’s not working. It’s ok! Don’t let the homeschool bloggers, Pinterest and curriculum fairs convince you that you have to have it all sorted out before you start. This is real life, and it’s good for your children to see you learning, using trial and error and recovering from science experiment flops with resilience. Figure out what makes your home and family feel good about home education and focus on that. Some people like to be more structured while others like to have variety and fly with the wind of each day.

5. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL YOURSELF. Somewhere along the line, I told myself that to be a good home educator, I needed to be able to teach my children every subject well! I was sure I had to be the expert on everything from math to geography to music composition. It didn’t work. Not only do I not know much about some of these subjects, I despise them! Pulling out paints makes my skin crawl! Forcing myself and my daughter to read Science textbooks made me feel guilty and bored and dissatisfied. Trying to find time to teach my daughter piano, even though I love to play, was so difficult! The judicial system confuses me and dioramas make me want to run away. But flashcards? That’s my thing! I love setting my kitchen timer and racing my daughter to see which one of us can make it through the stack the fastest. Reading? I could spend hours and hours reading aloud, completing book reports and discussing characters and plot. Math workbooks? I love those! I love seeing the pages fill up and checking off those boxes. Journal writing? Yes please! Buy me more notebooks! Colouring maps and memorizing provinces? Yes! So we do the things we love and we leave a bunch of the things we hate and then for some other things, I turn to my village. This year Miss A will take piano lessons, which we are bartering for chicken eggs. My friend will give her some art classes for a month or two in her quiet home where there are no busy little boy hands spilling the paints and touching all the supplies. My husband will hopefully do some business modeling and maybe some woodworking projects. She’ll bake every Friday and our church kids coordinator will put her hands to work serving at our church prepping kids church materials. She will spend one afternoon a week at Forest School, helping littles learn in the natural environment that she loves. Another day she will help with our church’s Market ministry, cooking food . My neighbour will give her paddling lessons in exchange for some sweat and hard work cleaning up their outdoor Inn for the Winter. The point is…we are not doing this alone! Miss A will receive a much broader, more diverse, more interesting education this year by accessing our village! Now, to be clear, I could never have done this with my younger daughter five years ago. But my older, independent and very mature teenage daughter will thrive on this exposure to other people and places in her days, and it will be good for the two of us to have some distance alongside all the time we have together at home.

6. START WITH ONE THING. When kids begin school in September, the first couple of weeks they do not have a full course load. The first day is usually filled with practicing new routines, fun games, sorting materials, getting organized and drawing pictures about their summer vacation. Your homeschool should be the same! Don’t pull out the whole box of books the first day or even month. You will overwhelm yourself and your children before you even begin. Pick one or two things you are excited about or feel confidant in and start there, then you can slowly feather in more over the next few weeks as you understand your schedule and atmosphere better. Your children don’t have to put in a solid 6-hour learning day or even a full morning or afternoon. If you hope to have the stamina to do this long term or even for part of this year, you need to pace yourself. One enjoyable hour is better than three miserable ones!

I hope these tips have given you hope, encouragement and some real life practical tips for your days.

You are not alone. There are hundreds of mamas and families in your shoes right now, and everyone is just trying to cope the best they can with the hand they’ve been dealt right now. Your children are not going to fall behind their peers during this time.

When the days feel long, the kids are driving you crazy and you just want a break…take it!

Make space for everyone to unwind.

Remind yourself of all you have to be grateful for. Clothes on your back, food in the pantry, children to love, a home to do this messy life in, the years of access to education that you have enjoyed thus far in a country where educating all of our children is considered a basic human right.

I hope you look back on this season someday and see that there was good, there was laughter, there was time, there was rest in the midst of chaos.

And I hope today you choose to make those things a reality.

~AF

Becoming A Brave Learner

This fall I am setting out on the grand adventure of home education with my oldest daughter for the second year in a row.

I am so grateful for the past year we have had together as she sits on the verge of young adulthood.

One of the most inspiring books I read last summer as I prepared to develop her syllabus was The Brave Learner by Julie Bogart. I picked up the book eager to soak in new strategies, creativity and the ethics of home education.

While I certainly encountered all that and more, I went away most inspired to be a brave, curious learner myself. The kind of person who wonders, explores, imagines and creates for pure joy. The kind of person who dares to step out into brand new territory with excitement and courage. The kind of person who inspires those around her to learn and grow bravely amidst the opportunities that abundantly come our way.

Julie Bogart’s passion is not only to encourage brave learning in our children but to model that out of our own brave and curious lives.

If you are a mom reading this, please go back and read that again. Not just skimming this time. Let it sink in.

Do you live this way?

Has it even occurred to you to live this way?

To model a brave and curious lifestyle to your children.

Something in my soul woke up and gasped for air when I immersed myself in this incredibly daring idea that I could continue to be a brave, curious individual with ideas, creativity and soul food of my own.

In the busyness of everyday life, I often forget that I am a person outside of my children, husband and home.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom and I am a firm believer that to do this mothering thing well you must be willing to sacrifice huge parts of yourself and learn how to grow inside of this role. Embracing that this will take up the entirety of your life for a season is crucial.

However, the longer I mother, the more I understand and grieve this idea that women lose themselves in the years of toting toddlers and helping with homework and grocery shopping and load after load of laundry .

When is the last time you did something all your own that made your soul stir with feelings of bravery, pride, fear, anticipation or freedom?

Do your children see you laughing, learning and wondering?

Do they see you attempting, failing, striving, persevering in the face of difficulty?

Do they catch glimpses of you that make them see you with new eyes and wonder who you are? Do you help them look forward to adulthood by the way you are living today?

Do they have something to admire and aspire to when they catch a glimpse of your life?

This made me stop and reanalyze my priorities.

Suddenly it mattered that I had laid aside passions and dreams of my own and let them slip out of sight.

The more I read, the more convinced I became that in order to teach my children well and lead them on this adventure of learning, I needed to take some time back for myself. I needed to place some of my own passions back in center field so that I could show them what it looks like to learn and discover, create and strive toward something. I needed them to see what it looked like to set goals and work hard to achieve them; to believe in myself and to be confident in the talents I’ve been given. I want them to remember a joyful, passionate, brave mama. I want them to look back someday and remember me laughing and creating and daring. I want them to think about me when they read those verses in the Bible that talk about abundant life!

Endeavor.

Create.

Wonder.

Imagine.

I encourage you to let each of those words sink in and decide which one of those you most want to model to your children.

Then take a deep breath, and jump.

Take lessons.

Go back to school.

Set time aside to pursue your passion.

Read.

Face your fear and learn to breathe.

Go somewhere you have never been before.

Make a career plan.

Be honest with your partner.

Pray.

Grieve what you’ve sacrificed and count the costs worthy.

Cry.

Surrender the pieces you’ve lost and embrace the pieces you’ve encountered along the way.

This is not just the latest boss babe, women empowerment, girls rule speech…this is about you living life abundantly, utilizing every part of who you are for His glory.

Pray for wisdom from your Creator to know what it is that He is stirring up within your soul and for the courage to pursue it boldly.

You, sweet Mama, matter.

Nobody else can quite replicate your particular part of His image, and that is a vision the world needs to see. The little eyes watching you are waiting for glimpses of that glory. They are waiting for instruction on how to live out this one, brave, beautiful life He has placed within you.

Not because you are something extremely special or because you deserve happiness above all else.

No.

It’s because of Him, and the life He has intended for you.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:35

-AF

Finding Resources for Your Child with Learning Differences

We sat down nervously across the table from her, wondering just exactly what was recorded about our daughter in the file she had opened before her. Before beginning she paused, peered over her glasses at me and said,

“It must be exhausting trying to teach this child.”

The words startled me, and at the same time I felt tears gather in my eyes and an intense wave of relief flood through my body.

It wasn’t just me!

I wasn’t crazy!

The daily struggles were real and measureable and diagnosable.

Every special needs parent knows this intense feeling of relief to sit with a professional and have them validate all the layers of complexity you walk through on a daily basis.

While there is no easy formula or three step plan for finding the right educational route for a child with learning differences, I do feel like I’ve learned a few things along the way during the past 7 years of parenting children with exceptional learning styles and challenges. Maybe these tips will help you, too.

  1. Trust your instincts. Ultimately, you know your child better than anybody else, and that’s important. If you feel like something is out of sync, you are probably right.
  2. Think outside the box. One of the first things you need to do is start viewing your child’s learning differences as just that…learning differences. This means they learn differently, not more than or less than their peers. It means that their brains process things differently than others and may need things presented to them in unique ways. Don’t try to fit them inside the mold of average. Be a student of your child’s unique, inquisitive, wonderfully complex mind. Study the way they see the world. Take the time to listen to their ideas, the way they describe their experiences and the things that interest them. Once you understand the way your child thinks, feels and experiences the world around them, you will be much better prepared to brainstorm what might assist them in learning and growing. Be warned, however, that you just may fall in love with the way your child views the world and decide you don’t want to fit them into a typical environment. This may prompt you to lead your child on an educational journey that looks very different than what you had previously pictured as success. For example, you may decide homeschooling, outdoor learning programs, a special needs classroom, online education or part time schooling is a better fit for your child than the typical structure.
  3. Do the research. While labels are not always necessary, I have found it is helpful to know exactly what it is that you are dealing with and sharing that information with others so that they can access the appropriate resources, funding, etc that may be eligible for your child. The label is less about diagnosing and more about finding an education path for your child. Don’t be afraid of the labels. They can help. Know the information needed well enough that you can summarize, elaborate and present it in multiple forms to anyone who needs to hear it and understand it. Be the expert on your child.
  4. Find an ally. Whether it’s a teacher, principal, pediatrician, educational assistant, therapist, social worker or special education coordinator, it’s helpful to find a professional who understands your child and is willing to advocate alongside you and hear your concerns. This person can often guide you in the right direction when it comes to finding solutions as well.
  5. Listen. Ask for input from your child’s current and past educators. Give them space to express their concerns, share the observations they have made and the ways they have attempted to intervene. Make sure you know what is working and what is not working, what alternatives have been tried or implemented and why. This is the part where you listen, not criticize or offer your ideas of solutions. Be humble enough to sit and learn without putting up your defenses.
  6. Be willing to give it a try. Most likely after you follow through on number 5, you are going to have some ideas and opinions shared with you that don’t quite match your own expectations or observations. Unless you absolutely know an idea is not going to work and have proof of that, be willing to give things a fair shot. It’s just as important to allow the system to attempt interventions as it is to find that long term plan. Each intervention is building the case for your child’s unique needs, strengths and weaknesses. They will be documented, observed and tweaked in accordance with the level of success they bring. This means finding help for your child involves a lot of patience, trial and error and frustration for both you, your child and their educators.
  7. Honesty. Be willing to be transparent about your concerns and goals. The more honest you are, the more likely it will be that teachers will find you approachable and caring. Admit when you don’t know what to do or where to find answers. Let them know when something just doesn’t feel right. Most of your child’s teachers are parents themselves, and you may be surprised at the journeys they themselves have walked with their own children or past students.
  8. Take ownership and be the advocate. I’d like to be able to tell you that you will find that one person who will do all this for you, or that you can do these things once and then it will be smooth sailing from there on out but that’s just not true. Ultimately, you are your child’s sole advocate and you need to own that and be ready to settle in for the long haul. There will be seasons where the intensity will lessen and you may be able to sit back and relax a bit, having found your child that sweet spot in their education journey where they are thriving or being carefully monitored by a gifted educator. But most of the time, you are the one who will need to monitor the interventions, strategies and progress of your child. Accepting that this is your position will give you confidence and courage to stay involved and positive on your child’s educational journey. It will help you to make the best decisions possible for your child, even if that means going against the advice of the professionals around you. They will come and go over the years, but you are the constant in your child’s life. Take that position with authority and think in perspective of that.
  9. Grieve. If all this just looks overwhelming and completely unattainable, maybe you need to take the time to just grieve. Grieve the loss of your expectations, hopes, dreams and misconceptions. Grieve the loss of innocence your child may have encountered as they struggled to fit in, be heard and seen. Grieve that life may not look the way you had planned. This does not make you a bad mom. In fact, this may be the key to really unlocking success for your child. No matter how hard you work to ensure your child is seen, heard, understood and thriving…children who do not fall into the category of “average” will at some point find themselves in a situation where their differences set them apart and make things more challenging. This can be painful and isolating, and if your child thinks you don’t understand their challenges or differences, they will not see you as their support when those difficulties arise. Your child wants to know that you are equipped both mentally and emotionally to understand their unique hard-wiring. So be real with them. Don’t sugarcoat the truth about their differences and don’t make all your decisions without their input. Let them know you understand that they are different and that you recognize how hard that is at times.
  10. Celebrate your child’s unique abilities and characteristics. Once you have grieved what might have been and acknowledged the ways that your child struggles, intentionally move on and start looking for the gifts, talents and characteristics they possess. Ironically, our strengths are usually merely the flip side of our weaknesses. For example, your child may struggle with impulsivity but it’s likely that same child is brave, curious and uninhibited by worry or fear. Perhaps your child struggles socially but is very accepting of those who cannot relate in typical ways. Take time to intentionally set aside the standard ways we evaluate success in children and look past those to the strengths your child possesses that may not show up on a report card or skills evaluation. Are they gentle, gifted with animals, intuitive to others’ needs, creative, athletic, resilient, dramatic? Your child may not end up at an Ivy League school but perhaps they will make an indelible impression on the lives around them through the unique gifts and talents they are equipped with. Let them know you see these abilities they possess and that they are just as important as literacy and numeracy skills. Create space for them to exercise their talents and encourage them to pursue their interests. Every child wants to be seen, delighted in and loved for who they are, aside from their abilities. This applies to your child, no matter what struggles they may face academically. So make this your number one priority. Before the daily reading, flashcards, fine motor exercises, speech therapy or phys-coeducational evaluations take the time to stop and just love the child in front of you. Their quirks, their flaws, their strengths, their beautiful individuality.

~AF

Adoption Myths

  1. My love will fix everything. While your love will certainly be instrumental in bringing healing to your adopted child, love alone cannot meet all your child’s needs. You will need support, education, qualified professionals and new parenting tools in order to help your child adjust to their new family.
  2. The child will be grateful to us for adopting them and show us that. While they may have moments of gratitude toward you for adopting them and may even express that to you, you should not expect this from them. Adoption begins with the loss of a family and home. That is not something that a child should ever have to feel grateful for or appreciative of. It may take a very long time before your child is able to come to terms with the grief, hurt, anger and rejection they feel. Giving space for those feelings is important.
  3. She was so little, she won’t remember. Unfortunately, trauma impacts the brain and body in ways we are just beginning to truly understand. Even prenatal trauma can affect the way a child thinks, processes and learns. Trauma triggers are a real and unavoidable reality for a child who has entered your home through adoption. While your child may have no retrievable memory of early abuse, neglect or trauma, her body and brain will remember and give voice to the struggles she has endured.
  4. I will “fall in love” with them immediately. You might. You might have an initial feeling of affection, overwhelming love or protectiveness. Or you might just feel like this child is a stranger or intruder in your home and family. You might even feel resentful sometimes of the way they have interrupted your life and normal routines. There may be times you strongly dislike the child and the ways that they make you feel and react. Bringing a new person into your family will involve some growing pains for all of you.
  5. I will have a deep sense of satisfaction and reward for making this choice. Or if you are a Christian, you may buy into the lie that you will be more spiritually mature or blessed because of your choice to adopt. While there will certainly be moments of great reward, much of the time you will struggle to feel like you are truly enough for this child. The emotions, behaviours and needs they bring to your family will be challenging at times. They will likely resent you and challenge your authority as they grapple with the changes being forced upon them. A sense of reward is not what will keep you going through the tough days. Instead, you need to be firmly grounded on the truth of why you are here and what you are doing.
  6. I will always feel compassion toward my child’s biological family. My friend, there are times you will struggle deeply to feel compassion and empathy toward your child’s biological family. There are times you will be angry on behalf of your child and yourself. It is not easy to forgive the people who have hurt your child. It is also not easy to justify the love your child will most likely feel toward these people who have harmed them. You will have complicated emotions about your child’s first family and it’s important to find a safe space to process those. Anger, grief, jealousy and love are all normal feelings. Having those feelings does not make you a terrible person, it just makes you human.
  7. Adoption is second best. While it’s true that adoption is always a result of loss, God has this incredibly beautiful way of rearranging our lives based on human failure and sin. When we wander off the path, we are not forever stuck in ‘second best’ for our lives. Instead, God is able to bring about a fully restored version of our lives. This means that while adoption is painful, it is also full of joy and hope and beautiful redemption. Adoption brings a child who has been hurt into the loving, healing atmosphere of a family. Adoption brings new opportunities, new places and new people. This post-adoption life can be full and beautiful. Generational addictions can be broken, poverty alleviated, relationships restored and bruises healed. While I don’t believe God intends families to be torn apart and separated, I believe He is fully capable of mending our children’s lives with such care and beauty that they are transformed into something even more full and complete and glorious than they would have been without this complicated thing we call adoption. Celebrate it!
  8. My child is lucky to be adopted. Your child is not lucky. They have lost some of the most important pieces of their identity. Their family of origin, their medical history, their memories, their name and control over their story. While they may have left behind awful realities, that does not in any way mean they are ‘lucky’ to be here with you. They are chosen, deeply loved, wanted and protected…but not lucky.
  9. Struggling with infertility? If you adopt you will get pregnant! While this seems too bogus and obvious to even take time to discuss, you would be surprised how many couples who have biological children after adopting get these sorts of comments thrown at them. As if adopting somehow miraculously opened the womb or solved the medical complications. Maybe they never really struggled with infertility at all! It was all some sort of mental delusion. Really!? I don’t know why so many people who struggle to conceive end up having a biological child after adopting, but I do know that I’ve heard many of their stories and what they say are words like…His perfect timing, surrender, beautiful, divinely orchestrated, blessed. I think that the way God brings about our desires and dreams and even worst fears is planted in the truth that He knows what is best for our lives far better than we.
  10. Everyone will love my child. On the contrary, once the honeymoon period has passed and your neighbours and friends and family settle into normal with this new child, you may just find that you discover who your true friends really are. Bringing a child with a history of trauma, interrupted attachments, learning differences or behavioral issues into your friends’ lives is uncomfortable. You will find yourself in awkward positions having conversations you didn’t want to have and needing to offer grace and be offered grace over and over again. You may lose some friends, and you may gain some. You might decide to move to another town, school, church or neighbourhood. Seek out the people who will love your family unconditionally and be honest with them. Remember they are learning too. Forgive others the way you want them to forgive you.