There are a lot of things I didn’t know before adopting.
I love that God protects us from too much knowledge.
Out of His love, he gives us just what we need to take the next steps;
Too little and we’d be stumbling around in the dark in confusion.
Too much and we would be overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.
Before I became an adoptive parent…
I didn’t know that sometimes I would wonder what my life would be like if we had not chosen adoption as a way to build our family.
I didn’t know that I would be jealous of the natural bond between my friends and their children. Healthy, established, natural-as-breathing bonds.
I didn’t know that I would feel guilty sometimes. Guilty for being the one these children call Mommy, the one they run to, cry to and love so unconditionally.
I didn’t know that my worldview would shift to encompass the pain, trauma and injustice of my children’s early life…and that sometimes this would leave me feeling a little numb.
I didn’t know that sometimes I would feel all alone in this…like when people talk about what their kids were like as babies, how they have friends over to play or how great they are doing in school.
I didn’t know that sometimes I would be angry with the world, the church, the school, the neighbours, my family…for not understanding my children…or me.
I didn’t know that sometimes I would be most angry at myself for not being able to parent these children the way I want to.
I didn’t know that at times I would forget all about adoption and foster care, until someone comments on how tall my daughter is, how young I look to have a preteen or how busy I must be with all those children!
I didn’t know how much my extended family would have to give up when we decided to grow our family through adoption, and how grateful I would feel towards them as they jumped in with two feet alongside us.
I didn’t know how personally I would take my children’s birth stories and how deeply I would love their biological families.
I didn’t know that our social worker would become one of my favourite people; someone I feel safe with. I didn’t know I would consider her a friend and look forward to her phone calls and visits.
I didn’t know how grateful I would feel towards the people who invest in our children’s lives, whether for a week or a lifetime. The people who throw their hearts into loving my children bless me in the deepest way possible. I am so thankful to have family and friends who have literally dropped everything to be present in our lives and help us care for these children.
I didn’t know how proud I would be to be called Mommy by my daughter or how humbled I would be when she curls up by my side and says she missed me today.
I didn’t know that I would become a homeschooling mom for a while…and love it.
I didn’t know that I would be the one sitting in a counselling office and across the table from a therapist, instead of my child.
I didn’t know that even after three years of living in our home, my children would not always feel safe, and that I would not be able to fix that.
I didn’t know that choosing adoption in some ways meant choosing isolation.
I didn’t know that I would need a whole new toolbox for parenting and that I would learn to constantly read my children’s body language and behaviours to monitor for overstimulation, trauma triggers and attachment issues.
I didn’t know that I would sometimes wonder if my children were really with the right parents.
I didn’t realize how much time and energy I would spend advocating for my children and how often I would feel misunderstood as a parent.
I didn’t know that love alone is not enough.
I didn’t know how many things would become insignificant in life.
I didn’t know how much grace I would need on a daily basis to do this parenting thing.
I didn’t know how many new people I would meet because of adoption.
I didn’t know just how much I did not yet know!
And for that I am so grateful.
But despite all this…and knowing it now…still I will choose this again.
Because the joy far outweighs the pain.
The truth finds it’s way through the lies.
The grief dissipates into healing.
Beauty from ashes.