adoption – Page 3 – Adoption, Mommyhood & the Rest

Too Expensive, too Hard…or Just Don’t Want To?

Deep breath.

Exhale.

I have to write this blog right now because something I just read on facebook is making my blood boil but I try to make a habit of not saying controversial things on social media because it just seems useless and my sister didn’t answer her phone so I couldn’t vent on her about it so here I am!!

Exhale.

Ok.

So the ironic thing is that the facebook thing started out really positive. It was an article about pro-life, which I reposted by the way, and in a nutshell basically said if you’re not the kind of person who is willing to celebrate the lives of mothers and children in needy, chaotic, messy places then maybe you’re not as pro-life as you think you are.

Read it here

The part that made my blood boil was reading through the comments on the post. Inevitably the topic turned to adoption since the article briefly mentioned it and the comments were concluding that certainly adoption would be a lovely choice if only it weren’t so hard and so expensive! Apparently, the government makes it “nearly impossible” for people to adopt. One woman said that she would love to adopt “a few children” if only it weren’t so expensive and difficult.

So…

I have something to say.

ADOPTION IS NOT TOO EXPENSIVE!

International and domestic adoptions are expensive, this is true. In common language this means that if you want to adopt a healthy infant directly at birth from his or her birth mother OR you want to adopt a child from another country you will have costs that range from $10 000 to $50 000.

My husband and I adopted our two daughters during the last year and half.

We are a young couple – aged 25 and 26, who also got married very young with very few pennies to our name.

I stay at home every day as a stay-at-home mom, school volunteer, housekeeper, etc. Nobody pays me to do any of the things I do. I don’t get paid to wash clothes, dishes or bed sheets. I don’t get paid to buy groceries…in fact, it’s the opposite! I don’t get paid to feed my family, write this blog, pick up toys or organize dusty closets. In short, I am useless financially!

My husband is awesome, but he’s just a normal guy. He holds down a 5 days a week landscaping job with no benefits. In the winter time he runs his own snow removal business in our little town. He works hard to pay for the food on our table, clothes on our backs and monthly bills.

We don’t have a huge house, a fancy car or money built up in our savings accounts for our retirement.

We are average Canadians…

and we adopted.

The truth is, adoption is only very expensive if you have decided you will only adopt a healthy infant or if you’ve decided you would like to adopt internationally.

Adoption here, through the public welfare system in Canada, is not expensive at all.

In fact, there are financial benefits we are receiving for our two adopted daughters that will make raising them less expensive than the baby I’m carrying who is to arrive next month!

Don’t kid yourself.

If you’re using the excuse that you can’t adopt because you think it is too expensive you are just looking for an excuse. There are over 30 000 children here in Canada whom you could adopt for next to nothing and receive financial assistance for any special needs they may have.

You will not pay a dime for your home study, paperwork, or even lawyers in an adoption through public social services. If you need to do some travelling while meeting and transitioning your child, you will be at least partially reimbursed for that cost. If you adopt a sibling group, a child with special needs or an older child there are numerous government financial benefits you can apply for to help cover the costs you may have for specialized therapy, counselling, equipment, etc.

The sad thing is that these benefits are in place primarily to motivate people to consider adopting these children. Tell me I’m not the only one who feels that is very wrong in the prosperous country we live in!

The real question you need to be asking yourself is why is it so important to me that I adopt a healthy infant or a child from another country? What is it about children from other countries that is so much more valuable than the children in my own city? What is it about a healthy infant that is so much more appealing to me than a child with physical or emotional damage through no fault of their own?

Don’t get me wrong.

I am a huge advocate of all three types of adoption!

One is not better than either of the others.

However, if financially you are not in the place to be able to spend $10 000 to $50 000 on an adoption, but say that you would love to adopt…why have you not considered public adoption?

What exactly is the real reason behind your lack of action?

If you read the article about pro-life, continue your train of thought from there.

Are you really pro-life if you are not willing to adopt the child struggling with brain damage due to his mother’s addictions during her pregnancy? Or should she have aborted after all?

Do you really want to adopt a needy child into your home, or only one that fits certain criteria for a comfortable, safe and happy life?

Digging deeper, do you really believe that all humans are unimaginably valuable in God’s eyes; His created works of art; made in His image? If so…how will you choose to live out that reality when it comes to this social crisis in our country and our world?

ADOPTION IS NOT TOO EXPENSIVE!

Maybe you just don’t want to do it.

Adoption through the public system in Canada and the US is basically free.

There may be costs down the line, but they are costs you may have to consider with biological children as well. You may need a bigger house, bigger vehicle and bigger grocery budget. You may have to give up buying take out and learn to cook. You may have to drive a mini van instead of the SUV you prefer. You may not be able to decorate your home as you’d like or keep the yard perfectly manicured. You or your spouse may have to work less or not at all.

As for the ten, twenty or even fifty thousand dollars you would spend on a private or international adoption…I would say this.

How much did you pay for your last vehicle?

How much do you spend on coffee or lattes in a day, a week, a month…a year?

When is the last time you got a secure loan from the bank…and what was it for?

How much money did you spend on your last phone upgrade?

We are filthily rich in this land of freedom, abundance and prosperity.

Is adoption too expensive?

Maybe that depends how much you think those lives are really worth and what you’re willing to sacrifice.

$10 000?

$20 000?

$50 000?

How high would the price tag be on your child?

So, you say…it may not be too expensive but they sure make it hard! All those rules and paperwork and scrutiny…

2. ADOPTION IS NOT THAT HARD IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO IT!

You probably did just as much paperwork to buy your home, do your taxes or write your will as you will do to complete your adoption. If this is something you really want to do, it really won’t be that hard to sign a few papers and check off a few checklists.

Is there lots of scrutiny into your personal life? Yes.

Is there lots of questions…some that are uncomfortable? Yes.

But it’s really not that hard.

I am grateful to have worked with a system that has rules in place to be sure that children are being adopted legally, safely and sensitively into homes that are prepared to meet their needs. Are there silly rules and procedures that feel like an obstacle course? Yes, sometimes. But know that while some things may be obvious to you, they may not be obvious to everyone. Or maybe you just have something to learn.

The number one goal is not to make life easier for you. Get over yourself. The number one goal is to protect the children who are vulnerable in this system, and they are very vulnerable. I am grateful for that protection. I am proud to tell my daughters that it took a while to find just the right family for them because their adoption worker knew that not just anyone will do.

I am grateful to have received training, advice and guidance before we jumped into raising children who have had attachment disruptions, brain trauma, emotional insecurity and behavioural challenges. It is different than raising a child from birth and you’re going to be much better prepared if you are willing to learn some things from someone who has had experience.

I am grateful to have formed an intimate enough relationship with our social worker through all those meetings and phone calls to be able to be honest about the hard stuff, ask questions without feeling bashful and know that somebody has my back through it all.

Without all the paperwork, meetings, training classes and scrutiny…I would not have been ready to parent my children.

If that feels too hard…then you probably haven’t put it all in perspective…or you don’t want to do it as much as you’re telling yourself you do.

No, I’m not going to let you off the hook.

There are children waiting for families all over the world, and if we really tried, we could find homes for all of them. It’s time to stop making excuses and start being honest.

It’s not too expensive,

It’s not too hard,

If you want to.

That kind of want needs to come pouring out of hearts that have experienced adoption into the family of our Abba Father.

That kind of want flows from hearts that know what redemption, freedom and sacrifice mean.

Hearts that understand grace at the hands of our Jesus.

Hearts that have experienced transformation by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hearts that in return want to pour out love on others.

I pray for this kind of want.

Don’t Grow Up So Fast

I am transitioning into a new phase and it’s taking the wind right out of me at times!

My daughters are now 9 and almost 7…and they are growing up so fast.

Last September I was walking my girls down the hill to school every day and watching until the last possible second as they would go inside with their classes. If I turned my back too quickly my oldest daughter would have a meltdown, crying and screaming at the sight of me walking away. She was terrified I was leaving her forever. I will never forget the hard knot in my chest having to walk away as she screamed and cried, trying to run after me down the sidewalk. It was one the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. My littlest A didn’t struggle with anxiety over me leaving, but her little soul was still struggling furiously to figure out what had happened to the safe little life she’d loved so well. We had a long year full of discouraging ups and downs, never being quite sure what was going on inside her little mind. Daily check ins with an incredible teacher were my lifesaver. I needed to know what was going on in her world so I could figure out what was going on in her heart. It tore me apart watching her struggle and feeling like I had no idea what to do!

This September, we are walking triple the distance to a brand new school that all the kids from two old schools in town have moved to. The old school just down the street is sitting vacant and quiet, and it takes a lot more work for me to wander by my daughters’ school at recess time just to make sure they’re ok. As if the distance alone isn’t enough to discourage me, the load I’m carrying on my feet these days is substantially more as well! At 8 months pregnant, walking is getting less and less appealing.

So this August, as the first day of school approached, I was in a pickle.

Last year I spent tons of time at school; volunteering, checking in, bringing whatever it was that had been forgotten. Barely a day went by when I wasn’t in the school for some reason or another, and it was reassuring to be able to check in on my daughters while I was there, even if they didn’t see me. With only a bit over a month to go until Baby arrives, I knew that this year was going to look very different than last! All summer I heard murmurs about bussing schedules and numbers to call to check if your kids were eligible for the bus. I, however, pushed them aside and firmly stuck to my guns. We would walk or bike or drive. I didn’t want to lose that daily connection and I couldn’t quite fathom sending my kids off on the bus every morning and very possibly never walking into the school yard at all for weeks at a time! On top of that, we weren’t able to find out who my kids’ teachers would be until the first day of school. I tried to stuff down the worry, but I was concerned.

A week before school started, I got a call from the board of transportation, letting me know my daughters were eligible for bussing and that Bus #534 would be stopping at the bottom of Logan’s Lane every morning at 8:15.

I kept this news to myself, knowing in my gut what both my daughters and my husband would say if I were to bring it up. Until this point I had not known for sure if we were far enough away to be eligible for transportation. Now I knew and the picture suddenly seemed pretty clear.

By mid October I would have a newborn, and shortly after that the weather would turn cold. Snow would bog up the sidewalks and I would be leaving the house twice a day with an infant to pick up the girls in the van. This would mean lugging a car seat in and out of the house twice a day, leaving the house on time and still only really gaining a peek at the school, not connection with the teachers.

Or…

We could enjoy the nice weather while it lasted, walking and biking, and have a short walk down the hill to the bus stop all winter long while the snow and cold took over. Baby could stay snug and warm inside as the girls walked up and down the street to the bus twice a day. No car seat hauling, baby bundling, or interrupted naps…unless I felt up to it.

Sigh.

But oh I fought it.

When I finally admitted to my husband the call I’d received he laughed out loud and said with no room for discussion the girls would indeed be taking the bus all winter and that I had better get them on it ASAP so they know how to use it when Baby comes on the scene!

The girls were thrilled! They loved the idea of using the bus and immediately wanted to try it out!

So that is how I found myself watching them climb onto that big yellow bus on the second day of school…the first I insisted on walking them! Big smiles, calling “I love you”, all excitement and confidence. Since then they’ve gone on the bus a handful of times, though I’ve encouraged that we enjoy this beautiful weather and walk or bike most days. I need the exercise even if they don’t, and even though they enjoy their independence they do love having me there, too.

Since my ever-growing weed of a 9 year old is a pretty fast biker, I’ve even cut the apron strings and let her go ahead of us all the way to school! There are two small, quiet streets to cross alone and then one busy one that has a crossing guard. It nearly made my Mommy heart panic the first time she sailed off out of sight alone, but I also knew in my heart that she was completely capable and I needed to let go!

What amazes me every single day is the huge difference I see from last September, and every day I go away absolutely in awe, praising God for what He’s done for us. It’s incredible!

Akeisha is thriving on her newfound independence and wants to bike to school alone every day! Her confidence and enthusiasm makes me so proud. She is so not my little girl anymore. In her words, “Mommy, I feel like I’m growing up so fast!” She truly has grown and matured so much in the last year and the security she feels now has given her wings to soar! It is beautiful watching her thrive. I know she is going to love being a big sister to our newest little addition, and I am enjoying watching her grow up even if it tears at my heart some days. Happiness looks gorgeous on you, my girl! You have no idea how my breath has caught in my throat these past few weeks as I watch you take on the world with all the confidence and grace you possess. I will always be cheering you on, and I’m trying hard to keep up to you! I’ll try to give you the wings you need to fly!

Since Akeisha wants to bike, Alexa sometimes goes on the bus all by herself, which makes her feel about 10 feet tall! I have to admit I am holding on to her for dear life seeing Akeisha take flight from my little nest! It’s nice to still have someone who wants me to be there with her, and she readily admits she needs Mommy to be there at the bus stop morning and night. I love seeing her happy little face beaming at me through the window and waving furiously as the bus pulls away. Admittedly this is enough to bring a few tears some mornings, which we will definitely blame on pregnancy hormones 🙂 On our walks I revel in those moments when she takes my hand in her little one and squeezes our code: 3 squeezes for “I love you.” Then I look down and she’s looking up at me with those big blue eyes so innocent and vulnerable and my heart skips a beat. She is so happy these days, and even though life and especially school will never be bump free for Alexa, I love seeing her so happy. For 15 min all the way to school and 15 min home she chatters non stop to me and I just keep thinking that too soon it will end. Too soon she won’t want to hold my hand or squeeze me so tight it hurts. Too soon the chatter will change and knowledge will take over that sweet innocence she carries. Maybe when it comes I’ll be ready, but for now I am so in love with my little girl.

Both girls are learning how to help pack their lunches, bike and play out on the street without me there watching and sign out books at the library all by themselves.

The first year of adoption we cling so tight, struggling to learn how to be a family and that we belong to each other. Now in this second year, I see it is changing so much. They are so much more settled. They’re ready to grow a bit.

Life looks pretty bright these days.

We are so excited to meet our baby and become 5. My nesting instincts have kicked in and I am trying to prepare as much as possible on the limited energy I have.

We are so blessed.

My heart feels full and overflowing with gratitude for the grace God has shown to us this past year. Only He could have accomplished this. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than here. Part of me wishes we could just freeze this moment in time.

My girls laugh when I sing this song to them, but it’s one of my favourites these days.

Don’t Grow Up So Fast

You want it all right now, let’s hurry up and wait
Girl, you’re right on time, trust me, you’re not too late
I hate to see you rain, those mascara tears
But you can drown in the water beyond your yearsJust don’t grow up so fast
You don’t want to know what I know yet
Maybe on paper it looks better way up here
Don’t you hurry, try to take it slow
You will get there before you know it
Ain’t just the bad times, the good times too shall pass
So don’t grow up so fast

The world will turn, shadows fall
There’s your pencil marks in the corner on the kitchen wall
Yeah, to remind us all

Just don’t grow up so fast
You don’t want to know what I know yet
Maybe on paper it looks better way up here
Don’t you hurry, try to take it slow
You will get there before you know it
Ain’t just the bad times, the good times too shall pass
So don’t grow up so fast, ooh

Just don’t grow up so fast
You don’t want to know what I know yet
Maybe on paper it looks better way up here
Don’t you hurry, try to take it slow
We all get there before you know it
Ain’t just the bad times, the good times too shall pass
There’s only so much sand in the hour glass
So don’t grow up so fast, ooh

All of Me

It was such a lucky encounter.

There we were, at the library once again for our tutoring session on a perfectly normal Tuesday of the summer. As usual my daughters headed straight for the back corner for the games and toys. By the time I caught up to them, there they were sitting on the floor watching a little boy as he raced his cars and trucks around on the floor making appropriate loud vrooming noises.

As I approached, smiling at the man sitting on a chair watching the little boy, my daughter looked at me and said,

“Mommy, who is this?”

She’s very curious about people, especially little people, and since we often run into people I know that she hasn’t been acquainted with yet it’s a somewhat common question.

I responded with a grin toward the man,

“I don’t know!”

Halfway through my answer the man cut in and said the little boy’s name. My daughters both glanced at me with wide eyes and I stumbled for words, finally blurting out,

“Did you say _______?”

I knelt down on the floor and took a closer look at the little boy my girls were so intrigued with.

Sure enough.

My breath caught in my throat as I stared in disbelief. Just the right age, just the right eyes and complexion.

Last time I had seen this little boy I was kissing his soft cheeks, caressing that dark hair and fighting back the tears as I buckled him securely into his infant car seat. I had loved him with a passion I had never known before. He was the very first child that made me a mother. The very first child that turned my world upside down. The only child I’ve ever grieved quite that hard for…simply because I had no former experience to brace me for the goodbye.

For the next hour I watched him play, studying his sturdy toddler movements, his joyful little personality bursting at the seams. I talked to him, handed him toys and smiled at the sight of my beautiful little girl playing at his side. The irony was so intriguing…here we were two and a half years later and our lives had traveled such a distance from each other, despite living in the same small town. When I was able to catch his eyes I saw in them only the reflection of a stranger. I was a complete stranger to him, and he to me. Yet at the same time I knew watching him run and laugh and play that I would do absolutely anything in the world for this little boy. The moment he entered my life, my heart claimed him as my own. Our time was so short…only 5 weeks…but it was more than enough time to establish a bond strong enough to last eternity. Every child I have ever cared for has claimed a piece of my heart and in return I have offered each one a vow.

I will love you.

Unconditionally.

For as long as I can,

As well as I can,

No matter the cost to my own heart.

I will fight for you,

And protect you.

I will claim you as my own, and love you without boundaries.

A piece of me will always be yours to keep.

Because I have been so loved,

I will love you.

This is the beat of my heart, and the passion that God has placed within me. When He called me to serve the least of these, He called me to do it with all of me. I have struggled at times to keep this vow.

It is hard.

It is messy.

It is scary and vulnerable.

It means holding tight and then surrendering with abandon, believing that God goes with each one even when I can’t.

It means facing the truth, even when the common cliches would be much more comforting.

It means asking hard questions and committing to heavy burdens…but not letting them pull you down.

It means taking one day at a time and believing that now is as important as forever.

It means giving more than you think you have, regardless of the consequences.

My biggest prayer every day that I have been a foster parent has been that I will love every child God places in my care this way. Why?

Because they deserve it.

Because it is right.

Everything I believe about fostering and adoption has it’s roots in my belief that God is our Creator, and that He delights in each and every person that He creates. Every little person that has entered my home or ever will has unimaginable value in His eyes. For me to treat them as any less is horribly wrong. He loves us regardless of our performance, and gave the greatest He could possibly offer us even though we had done nothing to deserve it. He takes us as His own and gives us a future and a hope. He puts everything He has on the line so that we might experience redemption and relationship with Him. When I realize that He has died for each of these little ones…what else can I possibly consider than to give everything I possibly can for them as well.

Too many children are living in the foster care system believing that somehow they are second rate. Despite the fact that they have been so wronged in so many ways, most of them believe it is them that are somehow to blame. Even more horrifying is the fact that the general consensus in society is the same!

Too many foster parents survive the constant change over in kids by holding back pieces of their heart. Don’t get too attached. Brace yourself for the goodbye. Put your own needs and family first.

I get it.

It can be hard and the lines can get pretty gray.

But I also know that a child can absolutely sense those attitudes and they do more damage than you can imagine. We have a whole generation of teenagers emerging from the foster care system who have never once in their life felt like someone would do whatever it takes. They know better than anyone that when push comes to shove, foster families will protect their own backs. They’ve heard all the reasonings and they know what they are…excuses. The words they hear are:

“You’re too much.”

“It’s too hard.”

“Our own children are more important than you.”

This doesn’t mean that the answers are always the same. Sometimes loving does mean letting go. Sometimes loving means drawing some hard lines. Sometimes loving means realizing this child needs more than I can give. But too often those kinds of ‘love’ have little to do with what’s best for the child and much to do with what’s best for me.

So I am begging you.

Dare to invest as much in these kids as you’d invest in your biological children…because they are every bit as valuable and every bit as important.

Join me in starting a revolution in the foster care system. A revolution of Christian families stepping forward to say,

“Yes! I will love these children with all of me.“

My littlest A loves this song by John Legend…it’s a song that takes her back to a familiar place that felt safe, happy, warm…and every time she hears this song on the radio her blue eyes light up with joy. So I’ve started singing this song to her. It’s a connection point that reaches her heart.

ALL OF ME

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Give me all of you, oh oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you
My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all though it’s hard

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

It’s not the song I would have chosen in my sentimental mind to be the anthem for my baby girl, but she chose it…and really…it’s perfect. I will always love you, babe. All the imperfections, in all your mess. I am so bad at this, and I have no idea how to be everything you need me to be. But I love you, and I will do my best to give you all of me as you, in all your vulnerability, choose to put your trust in me. And to all the rest of the kids out there who have taken pieces of my heart…I hope that you grow up to know that at least one person in your life loved you with everything she had!

Walking home that day after our encounter at the library with my baby…yes, my baby…I felt so blessed. Even though it can be hard to see kids later and face the facts of their life, it’s still an experience that is very meaningful. Even though this little one I gave everything to just a few short years ago looked at me with no recognition or attachment, it made my day to see him smile. I delighted in his chubby cheeks that once lay on my chest, the little legs running around that once kicked in distress in his hospital bassinet. Memories came flooding back, and it was beautiful to relive them.

Thankyou, Jesus, for the gift of that little moment.

Was it a lucky meeting on an ordinary day?

Maybe.

Or maybe it was just a little reminder from my Jesus that He’s right here with me. His is the passionate heart beating inside of me for these little ones. His is the vision of a future and hope. His is the pouring out of all that I am.

It is because I was first loved by Him that I love.

Summer Days

It’s July 16th.

The summer is already a quarter spent!

Here today, gone tomorrow.

By this week I feel like we’re finally hitting the summer groove around here. It always takes much longer than expected to adjust to a whole new schedule and routine. We’ve had some busy weekends with late nights that kept us struggling to play catch up on sleep, laundry and other necessities, but this week…ah…we are finally feeling it 🙂

I have been looking forward to this summer so much. It is wonderful to have hit the official one year mark with our girls. We are into our second year, creating traditions, reliving memories and basking in the comfortable feeling those things bring.

It was time for a break from school and I am delighted to once again be the centre of my daughters’ world. Since I’m at stay at home mom and the girls aren’t in any type of extracurricular programs, the three of us spend every day all day together. Granted, that gets a bit stifling at times, but I truly do love us seeing the world together and knowing the seconds and minutes of their days, something I never got to experience with them as infants and toddlers. I love knowing every little thing about them and why exactly they are tired, grumpy, happy, sad, overwhelmed or silly at the end of the day. There is so much intimacy in that knowing.

I also spent some time thinking about the summer before it actually came, so I was prepared for the longer days and lack of routine and personal space. I decided I would build those elements into our days and so far it has worked really well! I knew I wanted to enjoy the freedom of summer with them, but I also knew that my pregnant body would need rest each day and my daughters and I would all benefit from some personal space! So every afternoon we spend at least 30-60 minutes having Quiet Time. It’s not always at the same time, as our days vary in schedule and activities, but we try to make it happen every day, even if it has to be right before dinner. To prepare for this, I created our ‘Quiet Time Box’ which is filled with activities that only get used at Quiet Time; puzzles, games, notebooks, magnetic dolls, simple and no-mess crafts. Nothing messy, nothing complicated and nothing electronic is the rule. They each pick one thing from the Quiet Time Box each day, as well as some books to read. Then we each disappear to our own little corner of the house for that time. There are only 2 rules for Quiet Time.

1) Be quiet.

2) Stay in your spot.

Usually my littlest A, who loves to talk and hates to be alone, falls asleep because she is bored and gets in a nap, which is a bonus and extends my quiet time quite substantially! I sometimes take a nap or just sit down and read a book, spend time with Jesus or do nothing at all. Today I’m blogging 🙂 Occasionally I’m busy preparing dinner or doing laundry in that time but it’s still great to have some time where nobody is calling for Mommy or squabbling or just making noise! Thinking space, I call it.

Another way we’ve built in routine is that we’ve continued with our morning jobs routine that helped us during the school year. Once we’re all up and we’ve eaten breakfast, the next step is to get ready for the day.

Wash your face.

Brush your teeth.

Get dressed.

Make your bed (This one’s only for the kids…I know, I know I should really do this too! 🙂

Pick up your dirty laundry.

Brush your hair.

After all that is done, you’re ready to go play! 🙂

If you’re thinking…”Wow, my kids would never remember all that or stay on task!”…know that this has been a work in progress for the past year. My girls each have visual charts to help them remember to do each job, and my younger daughter who can focus for about 3 seconds max on her own has hers divided into 3 categories and has to report to me with her chart after she’s finished each category. Now that we’ve been doing the exact same thing the exact same way for over 6 months (it took awhile to find a method that worked) they are finally moving through the routine pretty smoothly and with very minimal assistance. It’s awesome! I really love having the same start to our day, weekend or weekday, and knowing they can do it without me nagging them. It also pushes me to get out of my bathrobe just a little sooner and we all feel better by 9:00 am than we would without the schedule!

Another thing we do every day is some work in our Gr. 1 and 2 Curriculum Workbooks. They each do three pages a day, one from each category; Reading, Writing, Math. If you’ve never seen these books at Wal-Mart and you have kids that need some extra academic practise through the summer, check these out! They are designed based on the Canadian curriculum. Everything should be review if you use the book for the grade your child has just completed. It’s a great way to review concepts, identify strengths and weaknesses, fill in gaps and keep your child’s brain in tune academically. Just a note, I understand some kids do not need this kind of maintenance over the summer and that is super! Others, however, really benefit from this kind of review so that when September comes they do not have to spend the first two months trying to retrain their brain. I also find it helpful to stay familiar with my children’s academic ability and behaviours related to school work. The first rule of being an advocate for your child with a learning disability or behaviour problem is to know what their capabilities are so you can give insight and advocate for your child’s potential. Be the expert on your child!

Besides the Quiet Time, workbooks and morning jobs we try to get out and do something active together at least once a day. A bike ride, a walk or a swim. They love it and it’s very healthy for me and baby who, by the way, we are all getting pretty anxious to meet! Three more months to go! 🙂

We frequent the library down the street about twice a week, go grocery shopping and go do our ‘dog job.’ I found a family needing some extra exercise for their 3 ginormous Great Danes! We go over twice a week and let them out to play in the yard for about an hour while all their family members are away. It’s been a fun way for the girls to earn a bit of their own money, feel like they have a summer job and get some healthy exposure to some big dogs! A great opportunity to practise responsibility and perseverence!

All the little pieces add up to days that fill amazingly quickly!

Overall, I feel blessed.

I love my girls so much and I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with them full time.

I adore my husband, who works so hard to provide for us and truly is the best Dad I can imagine for our daughters.

My life feels full and rich and vibrant. We have many friends and aquaintances we bump into around our small town each day which keeps life interesting.

We love camping in the summer and hope to get out quite a few times to do that.

As for the girls’ adoption, we are still waiting for the final documents needed to officially become a family. We’ve run into delay after delay and I’m anxious to have our day in court, sign the papers and celebrate! But in the meantime it really doesn’t change our lives all that much 🙂

So that’s our little world which continues to spin 🙂 Hope you are enjoying the summer as much as we are!

Cheers!

Yes, it’s true…I’m pregnant! :)

First, there were 2.

Then, we became 4.

Now…we are anticipating number 5!

Yes, it is true! I am pregnant! 🙂

My daughters, my husband and I are all over the moon with excitement about this next step of our lives. It is still a little hard to believe in the midst of the craziness we live, but Little One is growing and I am becoming more and more aware of a new presence in my body every day! My daughters regularly scrutinize me to see just exactly how fat I have become and my clothes are starting to make some real complaints at being stretched and pulled.

I smiled when I met a woman in the grocery store and she said,

“Oh, isn’t that something! You know, it happens so many times! After someone adopts they end up pregnant!”

I grinned at her surprised expression when I said,

“Well, this one was actually part of the plan.”

Yes, we may be crazy.

But we are all very happy and confident that this new little person is entering the drama at just the right time, all in the hands of our Creator.

I feel a little guilty some days.

I have two beautiful daughters, and now I am pregnant with a third child. I know there are so many women who enter the world of foster care and adoption because they’ve been unable to bear children from their womb for one reason or another. I know there are hundreds of women who long to be able to carry a child.

I don’t know what to say.

But I do know this.

This life inside of me is valuable and precious, and I will choose to celebrate it with as little guilt and as much confidence as possible.

I am so excited to meet this child, just as I was so excited to meet my daughters last Spring. They can’t wait to be big sisters, and I am so thrilled they are here to enjoy this journey with us! Just as I was in awe at the arrival of my two beautiful girls in our lives, I am in awe that once again…even after all the mistakes I’ve made…God has chosen to place a child in my care.

My favourite passage of scripture these days is found in Psalm 139.

I found this passage shortly before I realized I was pregnant, while putting together lifebooks for my daughters. I wanted to start their stories with the message that even though I wasn’t a part of their beginning, God was. He was always there, and their presence here with me is not a mistake. When I found these words in Psalm 139 I was filled with both awe and incredible joy. It felt like such a gift to be able to etch these words into the beginning of their stories when there is so much I cannot tell them with confidence.

We are blessed to have pictures of their birth parents…even a picture of their Mommy a few weeks before giving birth, her belly swollen and a smile on her face.

Beautiful.

Yet her presence in my daughters’ lives is mixed with so much uncertainty, pain and even anger at times. I have longed to be able to tell them without a shadow of a doubt that their birth mother loved and cherished them from the beginning; that she made choices for them out of a deep love and selflessness inside of her; that she dreamed of a bright future for them. It would make the story so much simpler to be able to tie it up in a neat bow of heroism and sacrifice all for the good of them. But their stories are not quite that simple, and there are a lot of questions without easy answers. They know much uncertainty and rejection for their young age, and all I can do is to give them honest, age appropriate answers to their many questions…and to say the words “I am so sorry.” It is not my story to twist, paint in bright colours or finish with a flourish.

So imagine the gift of these words.

YOU MADE

ALL THE Delicate INNER PARTS OF MY

BODY & KNIT ME TOGETHER

IN MY MOTHER’S WOMB.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME

SO WONDERFULLY COMPLEX!

I PRAISE YOU, GOD!

YOUR WORKMANSHIP IS

MARVELOUS!

HOW WELL I KNOW IT.

YOU WATCHED ME AS

I WAS BEING FORMED IN UTTER SECLUSION;

As I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

YOU SAW ME BEFORE I WAS BORN.

ALL THE DAYS YOU HAD PLANNED FOR ME WERE

WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK

before

EVEN ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE.

Psalm 139: 13-16

A few weeks later when I found out I was carrying one of these tiny miracles within my own womb, I went back and smiled as I read these verses again. All my children’s names will be written in my Bible beside this verse. No matter who their birth parents may be, what truths their stories may hold or what devastation life may bring…I know this to be life-giving, sustaining TRUTH.

He has seen us long before we were ever born.

We are HIS intricate creation.

Our existence is not a mistake, and before our first breath He could see each day of our lives stretched before Him like the seashore.

We are loved.

We are wanted.

We are in his capable hands.

And that is enough for this Mama to cling to. If I accomplish nothing else I hope to give this knowledge as a gift, buried deep in the hearts of each of my children.

Adoption and Foster Care Resources

Recently I stumbled across some new adoption and foster care resources that I thought would be good to share with you, and there are also some older ones I’ve had around for ages that I love, so here’s my list 🙂 Some of these are true stories of families involved in adoption or foster care, some are practical guides to navigating tough waters, some are books that played a huge role in molding my view of adoption and foster care through God’s eyes and some are books meant to prepare your heart for the realities and help you discern God’s will for you in this area.

If you are considering adoption or foster care, supporting a friend or family member with adoption or foster care or are simply curious…dive in! You will be blessed, inspired and better equipped on the other side…guaranteed!

1. Choosing to See – Mary Beth Chapman

2. The Connected Child – Karyn Purvis

3. The Promise: The Story of an Adoptive Mother and a Support Worker – Christen Shepherd and Lisa Highfield

4. Overextended – Lisa Harper

5. Attaching in Adoption – Deborah D. Gray

6. Parenting the Hurt Child – Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

7. Adopting the Hurt Child – Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

8. Another Place at the Table – Kathy Harrison

9. One Small Boat – Kathy Harrison

10. Successful Adoption: A Christian Family’s Guide to Adoption – Natalie Nichols Gillespie

11. Wait No More – John & Kelly Rosati

12. Thriving as an Adoptive Family – Focus on the Family

13. Radical – David Platt

14. Crazy Love – Francis Chan

15. Ready or Not – Pam Parish

Last, but the most powerful of all…your Bible.

If you have questions about adoption or foster care, are confused about God’s leading in this area of your life or are trying to better support others…the answers are all here. Ask Him to reveal His heart and His perspective to you. Ask Him for wisdom. Ask Him for clear direction. This is God’s work and no one is better equipped to teach you than Him. All you need to do is be brave enough to ask.

Attachment 101 – Part 3

In my last two posts in this series I introduced the attachment theory and explained how that affects children who have been adopted. We discussed how to step into your child’s life and take control of their world confidently so that they can attach to you and trust you as their new caregiver. I explained that children who have experienced trauma in their lives need a lifestyle that is highly structured and highly nurtured. Taking control and developing boundaries focuses on the need for structure, so today I want to focus on nurturing.

When most people think about adoption, nurture is the picture that fills their mind. They imagine holding their child, hugging and kissing their child, laughing, playing together and smiling. They think about all the things they will do together, the sweet little rituals they’ll establish at bedtime and the millions of ways they will try to help their child forget all the grief, fear and loss of their past.

Before your child comes home, you will not be able to truly imagine that reality will set in. You will not be able to prepare for those days when all you want is to be left alone. You will not be able to comprehend the strength it will take some days just to reach out and give those hugs, kisses or gentle pats.

The bottom line is that no family is happy all the time, and children working through difficult feelings rarely display those emotions in cute, loveable ways. It is not easy to be gentle and kind in the face of defiance. It is not easy to stay energetic and positive when your children are testing every limit they find. It is not easy to create a peaceful atmosphere with a screaming child. You will get tired of being followed all over the place. You will grow weary of a child’s tears, missing the loved one you can never be. You will crave just one night of solid sleep. Then you will feel incredible guilt as you think about all they’ve been through.

You will be a parent, not a revered saviour.

Realizing this is a bit of a let down; we all love to feel like heroes. But it’s also exciting when you realize you have really become a normal family, complete with all the stresses and chaos.

Nurturing consists of those tangible ways we express to a child that he is adored, important and irreplaceable. It’s caring, warm gestures that go above and beyond, but include, basic survival needs. Nurturing is essential for attachment.

Children who have grown up in dysfunctional, chaotic environments are often starved for nurture. However, they will not always respond the way you’d think. It can be more difficult than imagined to nurture your child.

Touch is one of the most obvious and powerful communicators of love, and obviously important when nurturing your child. Hugs, kisses, back rubs, holding hands, wrestling and piggy back rides are all great ways to connect with your child physically. For those children whose love language is physical touch this will be even more important. In some types of attachment therapy “holding” is considered it’s own exercise. Some children will take awhile to feel comfortable enough to relax in your arms or ask for hugs or kisses. Others will be all over you within hours or days. It may be more uncomfortable than you think having that child who wants to touch you all the time. Many children struggle to figure out appropriate social boundaries. They may hug and hold hands with any adult they meet. They may want to touch your face or body in ways that would be totally appropriate for a baby or toddler but not quite as cute in an older child. It can be hard to offer hugs and kisses without limit, retain enough boundaries to keep yourself from feeling claustrophobic and teach your child appropriate social boundaries. It is especially difficult with a child who has been sexualized by adults in their life. Beware of any sort of touching that the child is uncomfortable with and follow their lead. If you see signs of provocative or overly sexualized behaviours, be sure to clearly direct your child away from those behaviours. The goal is to nurture your child, not to lure them back into unhealthy habits.

I remember the first day I met my daughters. At 7 and 5, they were anxious little whirlwinds of activity. I wanted so much to be able to just reach out and hold them…but I was a stranger. While one of them soon snuggled in close under my arm, the other one circled me warily, staying just out of reach. Now she falls asleep in my arms, but then she needed me to follow her from room to room, looking at everything she pointed out and then letting her retreat again for a while. The most I got was to let my fingers slide over her silky hair for a second. My husband, however, won her over by offering piggy back rides 🙂

Food is another basic way to nurture a child. We all need food and water to survive, but some children have not always had plenty of food or water. They may remember times when their tummies ached with hunger, or they may cope with anxiety by grossly overeating. Be sensitive to this and try to make sure you take advantage of the opportunity to give them that physical satisfaction food brings, while establishing healthy eating patterns. Simply doing the little things like getting a drink of water for them, pulling something from the fridge, scooping food onto their plate or packing a plentiful and appealing lunch can help children feel nurtured and cared for. For children who hoard or steal food, packing a special snack basket or stocking a cupboard just for them helps reinforce the message that food is readily available when needed. This helps them realize they are not in danger of being without enough food as they’ve been in the past. For children who may have missed early infant nurturing, spoon feeding or even bottle feeding is a bonding activity that will reinforce tons of positive messages.

Like many little children, my littlest A loves to snack! She adores junk food and candy and begs for food anytime she’s bored or slightly hungry. While this is very frustrating, I’ve tried to turn it around by getting ahead of her and surprising her. When she’s busy with something else I’ll suddenly interrupt her and tell her it’s snack time! She’s always delighted to realize she didn’t even need to ask and it’s way more fun for me! I also like to let the girls lick off spatula’s, have a few chocolate chips when I’m baking cookies or pick out a special snack to go in their lunch at the store. My grocery bill has definitely went up since I started packing creative, healthy and appealing lunches but it’s a way to send my nurturing along to school with them.

Even though your child may be an independent 8, 10 or even 16 year old doesn’t mean you should never do anything for them they can do themselves. While promoting attachment you are not focusing on independence. We all love to be treated with care. Go out of your way to care for your child. Pack their lunch, start the bath water for them, help a younger child dress, brush their hair, trim their nails, put their pajamas in the dryer to warm them up while they’re in the bath tub.

Simply having fun and spending time together is a big part of nurturing your child. Laugh. Smile. Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. Make eye contact and pay attention when your child is speaking to you. Make yourself and your home a “safe haven” your child can come back to no matter how he or she is feeling! Reinforce the message that we all have feelings and they are not wrong in and of themselves, it is what we do with them that matters.

Most of us know how to nurture, it’s just difficult to do it when we’re feeling tired, worn out or frustrated.

Last week I had a bad week. One of my daughters was sick and I was just not in the mood! She is a detail person and struggles with anxiety in the best of times, so feeling a little off turned her into a real bear! The tiny bump on her lip and the fever she developed had equal significance, along with a possibly occurring rash and itchy spot on her left leg! She woke up multiple nights in a row and knocked on my door in tears, panicking at the thought of not sleeping which then of course kept her from sleeping for long afterwards. She was defiant and mean at school, tired and grumpy at home. I am telling you this to show you that even though I know all about nurturing in my head, I fail miserably on a regular basis! Last week I had the perfect opportunity to show my daughter that I cared about her and would go out of my way to nurse her poor tired little body. Instead, I was grumpy, irritable and insensitive. I knew I was failing miserably and instead of choosing to let this motivate me I let my mind take me on a huge guilt trip instead. After everything this little girl has been through, how could you treat her with such a lack of compassion?! What a horrible mother!

See, just because my daughters have not been born to me by birth and have trauma in their past does not mean I always find it easy to be gentle and kind. I am no superhero!

So I hope all you moms out there are encouraged to nurture your little, middle sized or big kids today. Go the extra mile to make them feel important. Remember the golden rule. Take every opportunity to love. They’re worth it!

Attachment & Adoption

One of the big themes being discussed in adoption today is attachment and trauma.

At the core, these are the biggest issues facing adoptive parents and kids. It is at the heart of all of our desires for ourselves and our children. It is the biggest difference setting us apart from biologically created families. So what is this thing called attachment?

Let me paint a picture for you.

Think about that sweet little baby you know who is less than six months old, living in a loving, functional family. He has entered this big wide world and yet he is so dependent on another’s care. That voice he heard while in his mother’s womb murmurs in his ear, soothing him when his tiny face scrunches, red and screaming. When he cries, he is quickly picked up and held close to that warm body that feels so familiar. Mother has an intuitive sense of baby’s needs, even when she’s exhausted from lack of sleep. When he’s hungry, he is held close in her arms and fed warm milk from a bottle or breast, often gazing up into his mother’s face as he drinks. Rarely do her hands feel rough, hurried or anxious as she handles his fragile body. He is gently bathed regularly in soothing warm water. Mother is right there beside him washing his little body with a soft cloth and talking to him. She may even set up a tiny heater in the room for when he comes out of the water, wet and cold. He gets wrapped in a warm towel and massaged with lotion from head to toe. Sometimes he is held while he sleeps, his mother simply enjoying the weight of his body, the smell of his skin and his tiny features relaxed in sleep. Everyone delights in cuddling him, examining every little expression and watching his body grow. His first cooing noises are rewarded with smiles and delighted attention from the adults who adore him.

I don’t mean to put a rosy glow on all this. I know there are long days, short nights, hours of screaming and aching breasts for some. But that mother you know, even when she feels overwhelmed and exhausted, will probably be making sure her baby’s needs are met. He will still get all that tender care, protection and physical presence he needs to assure him someone in this big, wide world is taking care of him and thinks he’s the most important little person on the planet.

The very first thing baby will learn is that he can trust his mother to meet his needs; that his cries will be met with response.

When he is hungry, she will rush to get him food. When his bottom is red and sore she will soothe it with cream. If he cries for hours, she will worry, wondering what is wrong. Above all else she will protect him with her very life. She will go to extra measures to make sure the infant seat is properly installed and latched. She will think twice when she gets behind the wheel those first few times. She will always know where he is and what he’s doing, and will take care to be sure he’s safe. As he grows, sits, rolls over, crawls and stands she will make sure his environment is safe. She will feel a flutter of panic in her chest when he bumps his head, falls down the stairs or face plants into the ceramic tile floor. Baby quickly becomes attached to his mother because he knows she is the one he can rely on. Hers are the arms that will soothe in that familiar way. Hers is the face that gazes at him, smiles at him, talks to him and kisses his chubby cheeks. Through that first year of life, mother and baby are almost one. They spend almost every waking minute together or in very near proximity.

This is the way God intended families to be built.

He knew we would need that assurance that the world can be a safe, happy place and that we are precious in someone’s eyes. On that foundation we grow into children that are ready to learn, explore and create. Our need for love and security has been met, and continues to be met. Every event following those first basic patterns of care as an infant develop in us an ability to trust another human. We will need this to survive. We will need this for our brains to function properly.

So what about trauma?

What is trauma and why does it matter?

Do you think it would make a difference if one day baby cried and cried for hours, but nobody ever came? No warm bottle to ease the ache in his empty tummy. No gentle arms to soothe his distressed cries. No gentle voice murmuring words of comfort in reassuring tones. No gentle bath times…instead his skin turns crusty and dry. His bottom soon gets red and sore to the point of blisters that rub open and bleed, while his urine and stool stain his clothing for hours. Maybe someone comes…sometimes…but the arms may or may not be gentle. They may rock and soothe one day but hit and jostle roughly the next. Faces come and go, but no consistent caregiver seems to feel responsible for baby. For days, baby may cry until his throat is sore and his voice raspy…but eventually he will stop. He has learned crying does not get him anything. He will lie silently staring, listening to the sounds of his unpredictable environment. Maybe yelling, maybe the thumping beat of music much too loud for baby’s ears, maybe the drone of the television or radio…and sometimes simply nothing.

Or maybe baby is cared for tenderly for the first 6 months, year or even 2 years…and then one day that person is gone. In a new, strange environment he is alone and fearful. The faces are unfamiliar, the smells and routines are all wrong. Instead of stories and soft blankets at bedtime in his familiar room, with the night light glowing in the corner, it is dark and cool and just so different. The blanket is scratchy instead of soft. The room is large and open instead of small and cozy. There are no stories, only a quick kiss and the door closing while unfamiliar lullabies play. He has fun in the large back yard with the swing set and pool, but he misses the familiarity of that one person who held his world together. This person doesn’t know when he’s hungry, tired or overwhelmed and he has no idea what she is going to do next.

She is a stranger.

Over the next few months, things slowly start to fall into place. He learns new routines, new habits, new ways of getting attention and affection. Just as he’s starting to trust that this person can fill the void…she disappears. Suddenly he is in a new place again. How could she leave him? Once again, he must get used to something different. Everyone seems happy and excited, but he is scared. Who will take care of him now?

Will they leave too?

When?

Where?

How?

Is this what life is like?

After 3 or 4 moves, he will learn that there is only one person he can really depend on, and that is himself. He is responsible to meet his own needs. Relying on other people is simply too painful. Eventually, they will leave and he must be able to cope on his own. Though he may not be aware of this thought, his brain is establishing these patterns and they come with a great cost.

We know in our hearts that this does make a difference. God never intended children to fend for themselves. They are vulnerable. They are needy. Parents are commanded in scripture to love, teach and provide for their children’s needs as best they can. God illustrates himself as a loving Father to us, giving us the image of a caring, gentle, strong protector. We struggle as mothers, as fathers, to parent our children the way we know God desires. We talk about unconditional love, sacrifice, wisdom and joy. We desire the best, and we struggle to reach the ultimate.

Yet so many children are growing up without these fundamental needs being met. They do not know who they can trust, and they are constantly on high alert. Their brains operate in panic mode a majority of the time, constantly looking for signals that will warn them of pain, danger or loss. Because they are so busy trying to survive, there is little brain power left to learn, explore or create like normally developing children. There is tons of scientific research that supports this theory.

A child who has not formed healthy attachments starts to lag behind in all aspects of development.

We need love to learn and grow.

The more I learn the more I am in awe of the Creator God I love. He did not create us to function as individuals. We are designed to need each other. In our families, in our churches, in our communities…we thrive on healthy, loving relationships with others. All these relationships are built on trust.

The good news is that these missing connections CAN be formed later in life!

Our brains can learn to make those new connections…but it is so much harder than the original plan. Instead of an infant starting with an empty slate, you are now trying to rewire or reteach the brain to ignore the survival skills it’s relied on for 3, 5, 10 or even 20 years. It takes time, patience and unconditional love. Trial and error. And every child is different.

Does every child who has been adopted struggle with attachment issues?

No, though most do to some degree.

What does this look like?

The struggle, the rewiring and the success?

I’d like to explore this a little bit in the next few posts. I am by no means an expert, but we’ve learned an incredible amount through seminars, workshops, friends, adoption professionals and most of all some very precious little kiddos in the past three years. It’s been an intriguing journey, and has helped us be so much better prepared for the challenges we face today with our two daughters. I am passionate about sharing with others the issues adoptive families face daily because I believe that awareness is the key to success. The more people understand the root of the issues we face and develop skills and empathy, the better the outcome for my children and every other adoptive family.

There are millions of children waiting for families who will dare to love them despite their challenges. Their are also millions of families who feel they are not equipped to care for these children. I firmly believe that education about adoption and adoption issues could change the lives of many of these children and families.

Jesus did not turn away from the messiness of life.

The hurt,

the terror,

the overwhelming rage,

the grief as deep and dark as ink,

the injustice that leaves us broken.

In the middle of it all, He was there.

I pray for the courage to love even when the cost is unimaginably high.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philipians 4:13

When my daughters were younger we memorized a child-friendly version of the 23rd Psalm. You cannot imagine what it did to my heart when I heard them during their play time reciting these lines of incredible comfort and love about their Heavenly Father. This is taken from the Jesus Storybook Bible.

“God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me

He guides me

He looks after me.

I have everything I need.

Inside, my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft green grass

In a meadow

By a little stream.

Even when I walk through

the dark, scary, lonely places

I won’t be afraid

Because my Shepherd knows where I am.

He is here with me

He keeps me safe

He rescues me

He makes me strong

And brave.

He is getting wonderful things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of!

He fills my heart so full of happiness

I can’t hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God’s Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever Love

Will go, too.”

Let it Snow

It’s snowing outside! 🙂

First snowfall of the season on October 31.

This girl is happy.

In fact…this morning has been just about perfect. My husband didn’t have to leave for work until 9:00, so we slept in.

Woke up to big, beautiful flakes of snow falling outside the window,

the girls happily playing downstairs by the fire,

and a warm kiss beside me.

Ah.

Fluffy slippers,

all of us meandering through breakfast and morning routines together

and then rushing the girls out the door at the last minute because…surprise…we’re late!

Checked out the Christmas sales starting in the flyers,

lit some candles,

and turned on the Christmas songs

all as the flurries continued to fall.

My daughters prayed for snow, so they were delighted to bundle up in their winter coats, mittens and hats this morning and go out into the cold.

What about you?

Are you ready for the Christmas season creeping up on us? What do you love about the next two months? Don’t tell me what you hate, because those are all listed off thousands of times every year and we really don’t need to review those! 🙂

Some side notes…

We’re heading out tonight on our “alternative to Halloween” activity…collecting food for the local food bank.

We’ll walk the streets with all the ghosts, princesses, zombies and fairies until we’re too cold,

our wagon is full of canned soup

or Daddy shuts us down,

and then we’ll go warm up with some pizza!

It’s an early to bed night here since tomorrow is a BIG day. We’re going to go visit the girls’ foster families for the very first time since placement four months ago. I’m excited, but nervous and trying to prepare for the emotional disruptions next week is likely to bring. It’s 2 steps forward and 1.9 steps backward as we stumble through this maze called attachment together.

To be honest, I’ve been having a rough few weeks. It’s just such hard work some days, and the stakes are so high. So much depends on me and half the time I don’t have a clue what’s really going on. Our mornings are shaky at best, and one wrong move on my part can send us all spiralling into anxiety, fear, anger and power struggles. I try to do it on my own too often. I let myself fall into the easy, muddy ruts that bring us all down.

Too tired.

Too grumpy.

Too overwhelmed.

Too busy.

But good friends and God reminded me this week that I am called to so much more than this. There is a power available for me if I will only submit my heart to the path it takes to get there. I must be willing to let go of my irritation, my pride, my fear and my frown. One step in front of the other, I can choose to be the kind of woman He longs for me to be. Not perfect, but eager to serve. Not superwoman, but flexible and cheerful even when mittens are lost and the night was too short. Three quarters of the battle is won when I kick that big stubborn will of mine into gear! I know better than to let myself off the hook too easily because I know just how much I can really change with a positive attitude and a heart ready to bow to the Spirit’s gentle nudges. That decision on Wednesday made the last half of this week so much better than the first!

It’s still snowing! 🙂 Better pull out those layers for tonight.

Cheers!

Backyard Adventures

So I wish I could post some more photos for you of some of this stuff but until our adoption is finalized I can’t legally do that. So…you’ll just have to be satisfied with my descriptions 🙂

I love to see kids using their imaginations and playing outdoors. It is so healthy for all of us and it’s the sort of activity they don’t get to enjoy as much during the school year. Recently I feel like the girls have really found their groove with the long summer days and are coming up with all kinds of things to do!

As I mentioned briefly in my last post, my husband has been working on building a tree house the past week. He was actually pretty stoked about this since he’s always wanted a good reason to build a tree house apparently! 🙂 The girls were so excited about this and loved helping him. I cringed as they wielded hammers, winced as they helped him saw and covered my eyes when it was finally complete enough for them to clamber up there…WAY up there! Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea…but spending the last few years providing daycare for other people’s kids and being a foster parent for the Children’s Aid Society has sharpened my ‘safety first’ instincts! I tried not to let my nervous squeaks ruin their excitement and pushed away the jelly feeling in my stomach when I climbed up with them the first time. Is it safe? Barely. But is it fun? You bet it is! This is why Akeisha and Alexa need a Daddy. I encourage and applaud them when they are adventurous and brave…but I’m not as good at providing opportunities for them to practise those characteristics.

It really has been tons of fun, though, this tree house thing. It can become a pirate ship, a secret clubhouse or a cool place to have lunch! Yes, that was today. Tuna sandwiches, carrots and apples are so much better when devoured with grimy little fingers as we gaze around at green, leafy walls. Even the chipmunks, who have been feasting on peanuts right out of our hands, managed to crawl up there and try to steal a few crumbs! It makes me feel like a child again…climbing trees, brushing the dirt off my sandwich, feeling rough wood on my feet and going out of the way to make each little moment extraordinary. There’s even a trap door, which makes you feel like you’re entering a secret hideaway! Akeisha tied a rope to a bucket so that they could transport all kinds of treasures up and down. She also tried ‘fishing’ for chipmunks from her leafy hideaway which resulted in one clever little chipmunk getting quite the surprise when his peanut wouldn’t come free!

There is also still a little fort in the bushes that gets some attention, a bear trap that was created ‘just in case’ and a new favourite hobby…picking apples from the wild apple trees beside our house! Every now and then we still catch caterpillars and put them in our bug buckets…though they rarely get attention after that so they have a rather unfortunate end. Akeisha is usually the ring leader of all these activities and the past few days working alongside Daddy she became enthralled with the idea of ‘working.’ So yesterday all day I was her boss and she drove to work in her workboat, just like Daddy. She was so cute all dressed up in Daddy’s big work boots, a Rockscape Design hat and a big sweater that covered most of her body. She took lunch breaks and even did a bunch of jobs for me as my ’employee.’ Hey, if she’s into working and having fun I’ve got all kinds of jobs that can be done! 🙂 After making the beds, doing dishes and sweeping the floor she was ready to go back to pretending to work like Daddy, not me! Lol.

Our poor little doll babies who got such devoted attention a month ago have been rather neglected, but every now and then they still get a few cuddles, a walk to the park or a diaper change. Crafts have been a big hobby lately and this mother has had to grin and bear all the glue, string, little paper pieces and wasted tape that goes with that! Most of the crafts have been things for the fort or tree house.

I am so grateful for the little haven we have here up at the top of a quiet dead end street. We have a perfect backyard for kids to be able to explore, play and create despite it’s small size.

So much to be thankful for.

Alongside all these backyard adventures I am just celebrating every little sign of attachment I see in our daughters. Today Alexa, mimicking the words I’ve said to her so many times, told her doll “I’ll love you always and for ever NO MATTER WHAT!” She also played shy and stuck right by my side the whole time a woman selling books dropped by this morning, which is a great improvement. The last phone conversations we had with the girls foster parents were remarkably different than a few weeks ago. Instead of the girls needing to know all about their former homes and what they were missing, they were able to excitedly share about the fun things that have been going on here! We are hearing mostly Mommy and Daddy again, after a few weeks of reverting back to our names, and they are even able to have conversations about their new last names without feeling quite so threatened. Alexa has a habit of coming up to me any random time and saying, “Mommy, I love you.” No reason at all. No particular emotion to provoke it. Simply I love you 🙂 She loves when I call her my baby. A favourite bonding activity is to be wrapped in a big towel after her bath and carried back to her room.

Daddy still gets greeted with huge shrieks of joy each and every evening…and he deserves every ounce of adoration the girls give him. He’s amazing. Day after day he comes home from work and pours a truckload of energy into the girls. Alexa loves her snuggles from Daddy, climbing into his lap after supper just like I used to do with my Dad every night. My favourite quote of hers was one Saturday morning as she crawled into bed to snuggle beside him. “You’re my warm and fuzzy Daddy,” she said as she rubbed his whiskers affectionately. 🙂 She has been a Daddy’s girl since day #1 and there is just a bond there that I love to watch.

Akeisha likes to get quality time and attention, like helping him build the tree house or sitting on his lap chatting. She got to stay up late a few nights just chatting with Daddy and it was so eye opening to hear her questions and comments. They talked about everything from house fires to school to her day. She was amazed to hear that Daddy would come back in the fire to find her if he knew she was still inside, and once again I was reminded how much we need to voice those things. When trust is just being built, those things are not simply taken for granted as obvious facts like they were for me when I was a child. They love to hear us say adamantly how much we would miss them if they left us and how we would follow them! They’ve decided once they’re big enough to be moms themselves they will live next door to us in the house that is for sale so that they will not be far away, and talk about saving up their money for that. 🙂 Right now I am listening to them play house. Akeisha is the mom and Alexa is the child. Alexa has just been put on a ‘time-out’ by her sister and Akeisha is carefully explaining why exactly she is there and what will happen. Wow. Sponges. It is incredible to hear your voice being parroted back at you. The other day Akeisha said to me, “Mommy, I wish I would have been in your tummy.” We’ve had this conversation a few times. When I smiled, hugged her and said “Me too,” I could see her beautiful brown eyes glow. We have so much yet to cover about the life they’ve already lived without us, but in those little moments we understand who we are. We are a family.

I have no idea why God has allowed me to parent these girls. I feel so unworthy some days. But it really is the little things that matter so much. It’s the way I speak, the way I go about my day and the things I place at the top of the list. Through two pairs of young, searching eyes I get the chance to portray a tiny piece of what Jesus looks like. When I stand before Him some day, I know what I am doing today is going to matter. They are golden opportunities. That can feel overwhelming, but I also know that it does not all depend on me. God chooses to use me, but He doesn’t need me. He will bring the increase.

	Peter Kropf Family on Finding my Voice
	The Blessedness of B… on 10 Things to Know Before Becom…
	Rhonda on How to Say Goodbye
	aliciajfreeman on How to Say Goodbye
	makebelieve86 on How to Say Goodbye

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