Category: Foster Care

The Process

Becoming a foster parent is a process. Like most good things it requires patience, intentionality and self reflection. Where do you start if you are feeling interested in exploring the idea of foster care for yourself or your family?

It’s May – foster care awareness month.

I hope you’ve been following along as I pull you into this world of ours and show you around.

With any luck, you’re getting pretty interested in this whole foster care thing by now and asking some good questions about what is involved in actually becoming a foster family or as it’s called officially – a resource home.

Becoming a foster parent is a process. Like most good things it requires patience, intentionality and self reflection.

While most people don’t enjoy waiting (myself included), you should know that becoming a foster family will include a lot of waiting time. However, waiting doesn’t mean that nothing is happening! But I’m jumping ahead of myself…

Cue: Do Re Mi – The Sound of Music Soundtrack

“Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start!” – Maria Vonn Trapp

Where do you start if you are feeling interested in exploring the idea of foster care for yourself or your family?

While each individual agency has some autonomy and therefore unique aspects to the process, I’ve put together a bit of a map outlining what’s involved in the process.

  1. Reach Out – Foster care will rarely just fall into your lap, though it does happen at times in unique situations – this is usually called kinship care. Most likely, you will need to make a move and reach out to your local child welfare agency with an expression of your interest in foster care. This could look like picking up the phone to make a phone call or just walking into your local agency building like I did 14 years ago! It’s also very likely that you might try reaching out initially and hear nothing in return. It may take a few attempts to make a connection with someone. Please keep trying! Know that just like many other government agencies or your phone company, it can be hard to make a connection with the right person. Most individuals working in the child welfare agency are overwhelmed with both mental and physical tasks. Offering some grace from the beginning can go a long way in preparing your mind to work cooperatively with the system. A lot of people seem to think they need to be totally convinced that they are ready to commit to becoming a foster family before reaching out. On the contrary, the homestudy (or approval) process, exists so that together you and the agency you are working with can decide whether or not this is what you want and if it is well suited to your lifestyle, family needs, etc. So if you’re waiting to be sure…please know that getting more information is usually helpful in making that decision in a well informed way!
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2. Paperwork – When you reach out to express interest, you’ll likely receive a phone call or email and then be sent a package of paperwork to fill out. This initial package holds more information about the process to becoming an approved foster home, questionnaires to gather personal information as well as some steps to take to get the ball rolling. You’ll need to fill out lots of information about your family, home and finances. There will be questions about how you parent, how you relate to others and what you do for a living. You’ll need to get a physical examination done by your doctor to provide to the agency to ensure you are in sufficiently good health as well as a criminal record check and fingerprints at your local police department. As you work through this initial package, you will probably start to have some doubts and reservations creep in. It’s a lot! It feels invasive and complicated. What is helpful to know is that while this initial information will be retained in your file, all of the questions and information you’re providing will be discussed with a social worker in person as you proceed. This is a great time to pray, do research and have discussions with your partner and children about the questions being asked of you. Think of it as the initial brainstorming session, where you start to get all the questions and “what ifs” and ideas and reservations out into the open where you can identify them. If you run into questions, make a note of them for later or reach out to someone at the agency or a foster parent you know to get clarification. There are no silly questions!

3. Wait – If you haven’t yet, this will likely be the point where you hit a bit of a lull! It can take a few months for all the information you’ve provided to be processed and for your family to be assigned someone at the agency who will walk you through the next phase. Don’t be discouraged if this happens! All the questions and paperwork you’ve just waded through have given you some great food for thought and possibly some clarification on the work you need to do to feel comfortable moving forward.

Here are some ideas of ways to fill your time while you wait:

*Pray – pray consistently and specifically about your foster care journey. Ask for God to open and close the appropriate doors, for your heart to be soft and pliable to His leading and for courage to persevere through challenges. Pray for your family, the agency you are partnering with and for the families they serve. Pray for wisdom, compassion and discernment. If there are specific concerns that have come up, pray about those and seek out advice and wise counsel.

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*Trauma Training – Every child who enters foster care has lived through some type of traumatic situation, if not many. Learning about how trauma impacts child development will help you become better equipped to care for these children and families well. Love is not enough. Our love must be paired with knowledge and practical strategies so that we can offer competent care. Trauma training can be found through in person workshops, online or in books. Some sources I recommend are:

Trauma Free World – there are tons of free online courses available here to get you started!

What Happened to You by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey – if possible listen to the audible version of this book and it will feel like you’re listening to a podcast! Dr. Bruce Perry is one of the leading experts on trauma and its pervasive affects on the development of a person. Oprah adds whimsy, grit and inspiring stories to Dr. Perry’s expertise.

The Connected Parent by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls – This resource is full of both neuroscience (in easy to understand language) and practical stories and strategies. Dr. Purvis is full of wisdom and gentle knowledge for anyone caring for wounded children. Lisa Qualls is an adoptive mom who shares candidly about her family’s journey of highs and lows.

Foster the Family by Jamie Finn – this book is a perfect way to dip your toes into the inside world of foster care. Jamie is a passionate and gospel centered advocate for foster care, reunification and journeying with broken families. You can also find her on social media where she posts regularly about her own family’s journey, trauma informed care practises, encouragement and support for foster parents.

Reframing Foster Care by Jason Johnson – Need a reminder of why you ever started this process or how we as Christians should interact with those in foster care? This resource will give you lots to think and pray about as well as discuss with those around you. You’ll reach the back cover with a solid foundation of your why and the heart of Jesus clearly in view. You won’t want to miss this one. This is also a great resource to hand out to family or friends who may have questions or concerns about your interest in pursuing foster care.

Replanted Conference – If you have time for a weekend away, check out this faith-based, super fun and encouraging conference for foster, kinship and adoptive families, church ministry volunteers and leaders, social workers and anyone else involved in caring for vulnerable children and families. My husband and I go as often as we can! You will worship, have fun, be inspired and celebrated, get practical support, answers to questions as well as have a huge array of workshops to choose from that apply to your current situation. You won’t regret it!

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*Gather Your Village – “It takes a village to raise a child.” This is true both inside and outside of foster care. Stepping into the work of supporting struggling families can be exhausting and discouraging. You are going to need people around you helping you out, reminding you of your “why” and offering you a night off, listening ear or pizza delivery. Talk to the people in your community about what you’re hoping to do and ask how they might be willing to support your family. Do you have someone who is willing to be approved as a respite home or babysitter? Do you have someone who can spend extra time with your biological kids through the intense first few weeks of a new placement? Do you have someone who can give you hand me down clothing, bedding or bikes their kids have outgrown?

There are a million more things you could do during this waiting time, so don’t waste it! If there’s one thing I could change, it would be this. I spent way too much time obsessing over the timeline, being the “squeaky wheel” at my agency and feeling stuck instead of viewing this time as preparation for the season ahead.

4. Building Relationships – Eventually, someone from the agency will get in contact about moving forward in the process toward becoming a foster family. If it’s been a few months and you haven’t heard anything, don’t be afraid to check in and remind them you are still interested! Unfortunately, a lot of people never make it past that initial paperwork package so they may be surprised when you let them know you are still interested in proceeding! At this point, the worker assigned to complete your SAFE homestudy will set up some in person conversations to talk more about the process, your specific questions or needs, reservations you may have, changes that may need to be made to your home or concerns that have come up so far. This can be an intimidating period, as you feel a bit like you are on trial. To be honest, you kind of are! This is good and right. Caring for another’s parent’s child is a huge responsibility and I’m grateful we live in a country where foster and adoptive parents are screened accordingly. However, remember that the agency is also on trial in your mind and this is a great time to start building healthy relationships and communication patterns. Have questions? Ask them! Don’t avoid the sticky spots. Be clear about your expectations, your family values, your beliefs, your daily routines and your finances. This is the point where many Christian foster parents experience disillusionment, discouragement and anxiety. Some agencies are wary of Christian families due to the history of conflict between LGBTQ2+ communities and the church as well as the residential schools and Sixities Scoop era. My advice is simply to do your research, ask questions, be honest about your intentions and trust that the One who is ultimately in control. He will open or close the doors according to His sovereign knowledge and power. Many Christian families in Ontario are being turned away because of their beliefs and practises. Many Christian families in Ontario are also being approved as foster homes. As hard as it is, this piece is probably not going to depend on anything you do or don’t do. Pray, practise humility and wait on the Lord to see what He has in store. If you are turned away, know that this does not close the door on your ability to serve vulnerable children and families! The church will always have a space to serve, if we are willing to show up with compassion and humility. It may not look the way we thought, but there will always be opportunities to care practically for vulnerable children and families in your community.

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5. Training – After or possibly during your SAFE homestudy, you will be required to participate in some training. Hopefully, if you’ve followed my advice from above, this will not be the first training you participate in on some level! In order to be approved as a resource home, adoptive applicant or kinship caregiver in Ontario you must complete P.R.I.D.E. training.

Side Note: (This PRIDE has nothing to do with the LGBTQ2+ community – though an interesting fact to note and be aware of is that there is a significantly higher occurrence of gender confusion amongst youth in foster care than in the general population, so having conversations about how you might navigate having a gender questioning youth in your home is important.)

P.R.I.D.E. stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education. It is offered primarily online and can be completed at your own pace. This training walks you through important information and skill development around caring for children who have experienced trauma. Some of the skills taught include: Protecting and nurturing children, meeting children’s developmental needs, addressing developmental delays, supporting relationships between children and their biological families, connecting children to safe, nurturing relationships, participating as a member of a professional team and reinforcing a child’s heritage and cultural identity.

(Another area to note is that Indigenous communities also represent a much higher number than the average population in the Canadian child welfare system. Lots of work is being done to counteract intergenerational trauma, preserve Indigenous culture and keep Indigenous children within Indigenous communities and homes. This work is marred by significant conflict, political confusion and misunderstandings. It’s worth asking good questions and seeking out accurate information on this topic.)

While P.R.I.D.E. training is beneficial and important, I would highly encourage you to seek out training above and beyond this training. Ask the agency you are working with for training resources they have available and check out the ones I listed above.

6. Waiting – In case you’ve forgotten, I just needed to remind you that there will be lots of waiting involved! Our homestudy approval process lasted about a year and a half from start to finish. This felt like the longest season of my life! In retrospect, I am so thankful for the slow, steady work God was doing in my heart and the hearts of others around me during this time. As difficult as it may be, please be patient and remember to spend this valuable time wisely. Pray, seek out training, talk to others, read, gather your village and enjoy the season you are in as you wait for things to progress.

7. Placement Request – When the agency has a completed SAFE homestudy in their files, you will be officially placed on the list of resource homes! With your preferences in mind, they will call you with placement requests as needed. These requests may fit perfectly into the age group and needs category you expressed or they may be way outside of that range! Remember most agencies across Ontario are desperately short on beds available and social workers are having to take desperate measures like checking into hotel rooms for the night with children they have been unable to place. If the agency asks you to care for a child or youth that you do not feel is an appropriate fit for your skill or comfort level, it’s totally ok to say no! It’s important to be honest, no matter how dire the circumstances. It’s also ok to ask for a few minutes or hours to think, talk to your spouse or process before making a decision. A poor fit between a child and family usually results in difficult disruption and sometimes further harm to the child themselves. If the placement does seem to be a good fit and you say yes, you will then be presented with a plan for the child’s arrival – usually within a few hours unless it’s a request to provide respite care or it’s a planned move from one foster home to another.

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This journey to becoming a foster parent can be filled with anxiety, excitement, overwhelm, conflict and joy. It’s ok to feel all these things and more, and important to pay attention to what information those emotions are giving you.

If becoming a foster parent is not something you are interested in and you still read all the way through this lengthy description, bravo! I hope I have equipped you with some knowledge that will help transform your understanding and create greater empathy for those who pursue this path.

-AF

To: The “Other” Mom on Mother’s Day

This is the post where I admit that this thing is hard.

I see you, mama.

This isn’t the post where I champion biological mothers’ rights and efforts and the story that provides context to their narrative.

I do that sometimes.

This isn’t the post where I remind you how important reunification is in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve written that one, too.

This isn’t the post where I give you ideas to build relationships with biological family members.

All those are so important…but so is this one.

This is the post where I admit that this thing is hard.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one holding that screaming little boy as he rages at the world after yet another missed visit from his first mom. I see the way you whisper into his ear and close your eyes in a desperate attempt to hold in your own fury. How could she do this again? I hear you on the phone an hour later, advocating for the timelines and transition plans and scheduling that your sweet boy needs. I see you when you run into a brick wall over and over again as you try to balance the scales of impact and how you rage into your pillow at night at the injustice of it all.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one climbing into the car for yet another three hour round trip for access…your foster love buckled in alongside your own two littles. I see all the snacks packed, the sippy cups tucked into cupholders, the car games and silly songs and whining toddlers and screaming babies. I see how exhausted you are, and I know why you say no to the volunteer driver. I get it. I see you as she is carried away from you, crying and reaching back over the social worker’s shoulder for you. I know the pain that unfurls in your chest as you try to reassure her and the tears that spill over after she’s gone and all you hear are her screams. I see you waiting in the parking lot and I see when you’re the first face she sees as she rounds the corner…the first arms she flies into, finally feeling safe again.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one who will never get the nice card, the mother’s day post, the thank you. You’re the “other” mom. The one that wasn’t chosen but instead did the choosing – you said yes to a question your child never wanted to ask. I see how you show up again and again and again, and how you make space for the tumultuous grief of your child…even while your own grief threatens to sweep you away. I see how you intentionally post her picture on the wall, help make a card and buy thoughtful gifts for them to give her. I see the way you smile at her and carefully give space, becoming smaller so that she can be larger in the room. I see the way you quietly put your needs second to hers…because you love them and you know this is the part where you start to fade so she can shine.

I see you, mama.

I see the way you tremble in the dark, rubbing her back and whispering reassurances as she relives the horrific, nauseating details. I see the way you lay wide awake for hours, staring into the blackness with black rage and numbness eating away at your insides until you think you might explode. I see the fear that you push down; the fear that you might not be able to go on. I see the anxiety that eats away at you, the hours you spend in courtrooms and police station rooms as she retells her story again and again. The graphic images she paints will change the way you see the world forever, for better or for worse. I see you holding her hand and nodding reassurances and advocating for therapy and teaching her how to breathe through the panic attacks. “Look at me. I’m right here. Tell me something you hear, see, smell, feel.” I see you as you crumble into your own pillow at night, out of earshot and out of sight, finally able to fall apart under the crushing weight of it all. I see you sobbing in a therapy room as you let it all out. A mother’s heart was never made to carry this kind of toxic weight.

I see you, mama. I see the constant battle of your mind – the way you are always fighting for the pure thoughts, the gratitude, the perspective shift…fighting against the intuitive mother inside of you who just wants to protect and nurture and bubble wrap. I see your prayers and the verses you post on your bathroom mirror to keep your heart aligned with the gospel work of this messy, messy ministry you’ve stepped into.

Foster care isn’t always pretty and it doesn’t always bring happy endings. Our prayers don’t always get answered the way we asked for and we often don’t get to see the end of the story. Children we love disappear from our homes and our lives, leaving vacant spaces in our hearts. Parents who have done and said horrible things often hold more power than we do over the trajectory of these tiny ones we try to nurture. Our schedules get overturned, our kindness gets taken advantage of, our insight is ignored or not asked for despite the reality that we may know this child better than anyone else in the world.

These are the moments when we need to realign our hearts with the Commander of this mission; we need to remember our “why” for being here and accept the limited vision and control we have in the situation.

I see you, mama…but more importantly…

HE SEES YOU.

He can be enough, when your enough runs out.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

He can strengthen your exhausted body, soothe your overwhelmed mind, heal your damaged nervous system.

He can take all the pieces of your efforts and bring about wholeness and goodness…without your help.

He is crafting a story for your life and ministry that you cannot begin to fathom.

He is crafting a story for each child’s life who enters your home – undoubtedly in ways you rail against in frantic fear – but I promise you He’s got it.

-AF

Why All the Talk About Trauma?

If you’ve been paying attention to the world of foster care and adoption and helping vulnerable demographics, you’ll have been hearing the word TRAUMA thrown around a lot.

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You might be wondering…

Why all the talk about trauma?

What does trauma have to do with foster care?

What exactly do we mean when we say someone has experienced trauma?

Let’s start with a definition:

Trauma: an event or experience that overwhelms a person’s capacity to cope.

This definition of trauma is purposely vague because we understand better than ever after the last decade of neuroscientific research findings that trauma is defined not just by the bare facts but also by how our body processes and encodes those experiences internally.

I like to think about it this way. Trauma happens when we experience too much for too long with too little support.

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Trauma can happen to anyone anywhere.

Two people can live through the same experience and emerge with very different perspectives and affects depending on variables such as risk factors, developmental maturity, genetic predisposition and generational experiences.

While one child living through a war or dysfunctional family environment may experience trauma, another may not experience the same degree of impacts due to age, developmental ability or level of support they receive through their experience.  This is why we sometimes see siblings manifest very differently despite having very similar looking experiences.  For example, a younger child who is more dependent on an abusive or neglectful caregiver may manifest more dramatic symptoms than an older child who had opportunites to escape the daily reality through school or neighbours or friends.  

It’s important to remember that we don’t get to define what has or has not been traumatic for another person.  There are so many variables at play.  

Trauma also comes in various types.

An individual can experience:

  1. Acute Trauma – this type of trauma occurs as the result of an isolated, terrifying incident where a person feels overwhelmed by a direct threat to their life or someone else’s and has feelings of intense helplessness and fear. Some examples where acute trauma may occur are: witnessing an act of violence, death of a loved one or seeing someone die, living through a traumatic situation like a car accident, house fire, natural disaster, etc.

2. Chronic Trauma – this type of trauma describes a situation where a person experiences many traumatic events over an extended period of time, such as in cases of repeated exposure to abuse, neglect, domestic violence, those who live in war zones or areas of severe political unrest. The repetitive nature of this type of trauma causes a person to develop significant loss of trust in other human beings, anxiety and fear for their own safety, guilt, shame and symptoms such as chronic anxiety, physical or mental illness, addiction and fatigue.

3. Complex Developmental Trauma – the third type of trauma is the one that is most important to understand in light of foster care. Developmental Trauma is diagnosed by four significant factors. First, it includes traumatic events early in a child’s life (the first five years). Secondly, it includes patterns of chronic, ongoing trauma. Thirdly, it involves maltreatment of some kind such as abuse or neglect and fourthly it includes the absence of a caregiver to protect or buffer the traumatic experience. Oftentimes, this trauma occurs at the hands of the very person the child should be able to rely on to protect and support them such as a parent or other trusted adult.

While all three types of trauma are certainly impactful and devastating, Complex Developmental Trauma often has long lasting and severe impacts that are very important to understand.

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When parenting a child who has experienced this type of trauma, it is essential to focus on helping the child feel connected and safe with their caregiver. This is no small feat. The child who has experienced complex developmental trauma will most likely experience developmental delays, cognitive deficits, physical and mental fragility and illness, challenging emotions and behaviours and resistance to both structure and nurture.

Many times, these symptoms of trauma look a lot like bad behaviour. If we have not taken the time to get curious about the ways children are behaving and responding, we risk causing further hurt to the very children we want to protect and care for.

Initially in our foster care journey, my husband and I had a very limited understanding of trauma and its impacts. As the years went by, we started realizing how small our “toolbox” was and we were noticing that some of the traditional parenting techniques we relied on were not having the effects we anticipated. Removing priviledges, time outs, consequences we felt fit the behaviour, punishments…they did not seem to sit the same with these kids. We knew that we needed a greater understanding and compassion for what was going on inside of these children’s minds and hearts. We wanted them to experience healing and connection.

I am so grateful that God gave us opportunities to learn more about how trauma impacts a child and what that meant for us as their caregivers.

More importantly, it’s changed the way that I view the world and the people around me.

Slowly, I am learning to ask,

“What happened to you?”

Instead of,

“What is wrong with you?”

Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey wrote a beautiful book titled What Happened to You? In it, they explore this exact shift and what it might do to promote healing in our society if we all learned to ask this question.

I am also learning how to be curious instead of furious about challenging behaviours and responses – both with my children and myself! I am learning how to put on a lens that assumes this person can’t yet instead of won’t. This mindset assumes that people are doing the best they can with what they have and that skills can be taught through care and connection.

Dr. Ross Greene has become popular among child phsychologists and educators with his Reframe the Behaviour model. I have this infographic posted on my fridge because I need the reminder every single day.

“Kids do well if they can.” – Ross Greene

No child (or adult) sets themselves up to fail. We all want to thrive and succeed, but sometimes there are expectations, requirements or assumptions placed upon us that are not appropriate for our mental, emotional or cognitive capacity.

“See a child differently, you see a different child.”

– Dr. Stuart Shanker

So why all the talk about trauma?

Understanding trauma helps us to move from simply feeling compassion to truly developing the skills needed to care well for those who have lived through horrific experiences.

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Maya Angelou was a poet and civil rights activist. She once said,

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

 In chapter 3 of his letter, Paul writes to the Colossian believers about their new identity in Christ.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”

Compassion and kindness.

Humility.

Meekness – strength under control.

Patience and forgiveness.

These are the characteristics that are to mark the believer.

Similiarly, to the Phillipians, Paul encourages them,

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

If there is anything I have learned in this foster care journey, it is that humility is the most important ingredient.

It takes humility to consider new perspectives, to lay aside preconcieved ideas and to admit when my repetoire is limited and lacking.

Neuroscientific research is exploding with new information about how our brains and bodies are designed to respond to the world around us. Everything I have learned about trauma is consistent with what the Bible teaches about how we were created and who we were created for.

There is so much hope and healing available, but it begins with a deep understanding and acknowledgment of brokenness.

I am passionate in helping everyone everywhere, but especially those who are Christians, understand more about trauma and how it impacts those who experience it because I believe that this is the way that Jesus would have us live and walk in the world.

Love God.

Love people.

This is why trauma matters.

-AF

Let’s Begin With Loss

May is foster care awareness month.

My goal this month is to post in some medium on a daily basis to create greater awareness of needs, dispel some myths and encourage those impacted by foster care.

I’d be so delighted if you are able to join me this month. Additionally, if anything I say sparks curiosity, resonates with you or inspires you, please take the time to share that in some way with someone in your life.

It takes a community to care, to create lasting change and to build support around the vulnerable. It all begins with a conversation.

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May 1: Let’s Begin With Loss

Every single child who enters the foster care system has experienced significant loss. By this I mean they have experienced gut-wrenching, world shifting losses that will forever change how they view the world. We call this kind of loss: trauma.

Typically, these losses include:

  • Loss of a parent or other primary caregiver through separation or death
  • Loss of extended family members and friends
  • Loss of familiar environments such as their school, daycare, favourite park, neighbourhood, etc
  • Loss of toys and items – that stuffie he always sleeps with or the markers Grandma gave her for her birthday are likely to have been left behind
  • Loss of safety – children are only ever removed from homes because they are in need of safety and protection in some form
  • Loss of comfort – whatever is normal to us is what we find comfortable. While a blanket reeking of marijuana may not provide comfort to you, for a small child who associates this smell with “home”, replacing that blanket or washing it with bleach to remove the scent you find disgusting will be a loss.
  • Loss of control – children almost always enter foster care against their will.

These kinds of losses accumulate in staggering realities when a child is removed from their home and family and placed into foster care. This choice is never made lightly. It’s important to remember why this move is deemed a last resort intervention for families who are struggling and the impacts this intervention will have on the family unit.

In the face of such significant losses, most children and their parents will experience feelings of grief, anger, hopelessness and shame.

But this is not what most people first think of when they see a child in the care of a foster family.

“Adoption (or foster care) loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

-The Reverend Keith C. Griffith

This quote popped up on my social media feed recently and snagged my attention long enough for me to wince. I feel this. As a foster mom who has loved the children that enter my home deeply, advocated intentionally for their needs, been proactive about connecting with biological parents in healthy ways and supporting reunification…I still fall into the trap of believing that these children and families I care for should be grateful to me; that they owe me something.

This theory is reinforced through comments, conversations and stories that celebrate foster parents as heroic, “saint-like” humans with special giftings to care and serve well. Simultaneously, biological families are generally viewed with thinly veiled disdain and suspicion.

I cannot count the times I have shared that I am a foster parent and been told,

“Good for you!”

“You are amazing!”

“I could never do that.”

“They are so lucky to have you.”

I’m a human, and sometimes these comments feel really good! However, that feeling of satisfaction or even pride is always followed by a sense of sadness, discouragement and a feeling of being misunderstood. While I do understand these comments are made with the best of intentions, they all play skillfully into this false perception that foster parents are uniquely equipped humans who have chosen to sacrifice greatly for the good of others – others being children and families in need of our rescue.

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that when people are hurting, they don’t need someone to rescue them. They need someone to care. And almost anyone can care!

Until we can see foster care as a way to care instead of a way to rescue, we’re going to keep getting it wrong and having unrealistic expectations.

The mother with addiction issues needs someone to care enough to ask the question, “What is it in life that feels so big that you’re reaching for these negative coping tools right now?”

The father with domestic violence charges needs someone to care. Someone to say, “I get it. I never knew I could feel rage toward someone I loved until I became a parent. I know you love your kids. Let’s figure out how to break the patterns of anger and violence so your kids can feel safe with you.”

The toddler who has just been placed into a stranger’s home, far from everything familiar in life, needs someone to care. He needs someone to be patient as he screams through bathtime, bedtime and storytime.

The grandmother who is “abandoning” her grandchildren needs someone to care. She needs someone to come alongside and say, “How can I help? This is a lot that you’re carrying, and I can see how exhausted you are. Your needs matter too. “

The adolescent who has just entered foster care against her will needs someone to care; someone to give her choices about as many things as possible as she navigates this new life that she did not choose or want or ask for. She needs someone to be curious about the coping tools she’s accumulated to survive in a challenging home environment. She needs someone who is willing to show up again and again and again and again.

And all these people need someone who is willing to care without expecting gratitude in return.

I have never met a parent who does not genuinely love their child and want to do better, no matter what they have done. I have also never met a parent who gets it all right 100% of the time.

Almost all of the parents of children entering the foster care system are people who have experienced trauma. They are coping with life in the only ways they know how…just like you and I. Many of them grew up in foster care themselves or in abusive or neglectful home environments where they did not get a chance to learn how to care for children or themselves as caregivers with a healthy balance of structure and nurture.

Many of them are isolated, struggling with mental illness, have toxic relationships and lack financial security.

What would it look like to change our understanding of foster care to include more empathy surrounding the losses involved?

My hypothesis is this:

Understanding the losses that children experience when they enter the foster care system would lead to communities who are:

  • more empathetic toward children in foster care and their biological families
  • more proactive about suppporting struggling families
  • curious about behaviors of both children and adults within the system who have experienced loss
  • dedicated to preventing the separation of families and supporting the reunification of families whenever possible

One more thought to leave you with.

What is something in your life that you do not like and cannot change?

What emotions, behaviors and coping tools come to the surface as you process that reality?

What might it look like to support someone involved with the foster care system today with empathy, curiosity and care?

-AF

10 Things to Know Before Becoming a Foster Parent

May 5
There are a few important things to know before you consider becoming a foster parent.

  1. This is not about you.  Foster care is about bringing your family to a child and their family, for a season that is not determined by your own desires or even your ability to provide for this child.  Your wishes will not always be granted.  Your advice will not always be followed.  Your opinion will not always be asked.  Your feelings, your family, your schedule and your time will not always be considered.  Entering this world means that you are agreeing to put this child’s needs above your own and that you are committing to working alongside a government agency that will ultimately have control over this child’s life. Sometimes it will feel like they control your life as well. 
  2. Foster care usually does not end in adoption.  While children will sometimes need a new permanent family to care for them, that is the result of much more than just a child being placed in foster care.  If you are committing to foster care, it’s important to realize that this will most likely end in you saying goodbye to a child you deeply love and care for.  The goal is for biological parents to receive the support they need to raise their children.  As foster parents you need to be ready to focus your energy and support in that direction, not in building your family.  I still have to preach this to myself every single time a child enters my home and leaves my home. It is so hard to see past the complicated aspects of each situation to the broader picture. As a society we need to be focused on equipping parents to parent, not on removing children from their families and placing them in new ones. Adoption brings it’s own unique challenges. There will never be enough adoptive homes for all the children living in vulnerable situations, but if we can equip parents to parent intuitively and responsibly we are starting to heal the huge tear in the walls of the family structure.     
  3. It will hurt.  Saying goodbye will hurt.  Playing the part of the parent who stands in the gap will feel uncomfortable.  Watching a child go through painful transitions will leave you feeling helpless.  Hearing your child’s story will make you feel anger, pain and fear like you’ve never felt before.  Loving another parent’s child will hurt.  What you will quickly discover, however, is that your hurt quickly pales in comparison to the hurt experienced by your foster child and their biological family.  Their hurt will become your motivation to love, protect, honor and keep doing the next thing.
  4. Trauma matters.  Children who enter your home through foster care have always experienced trauma of some kind and will need to be parented differently as a result of this.  You need to understand how trauma, even prenatal trauma,  impacts a child’s neurological, physical, emotional and spiritual health.  This is crucial.  It cannot be a side thing.  This knowledge of trauma must be the foundation of your parenting philosophy with these children.  So do the research, find the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly.
  5. It will take time to feel like you love them.  Sure, you may get that adrenaline rush of love and protection and passion when they first enter your arms, your home, your heart.  But it will quickly be followed by a feeling of fear and dismay and ‘what have I done?’  This child will be a stranger to you for the first while, and that is okay.  You will feel like a babysitter before you feel like a parent.  Then one day you will wake up and realize you would die for this child and that you cannot remember what it was like without them in your life.  Don’t beat yourself up when you struggle to attach. They are dealing with the same challenge. Remember that and let it lead you toward compassionate responses.
  6. Know why you’re here.  Some people will love you and others will hate you for being involved in this system.  The opinions will come, often when you least expect and from those you did not ask.  They will have stories, warnings, accolades and flattery to offer you.  Learn to let them all slide off your back; both the love and the hate.  You know you’re not a hero and you know you’re not a villain.  The admiration of those looking in or the hate of those scarred by it are all irrelevant when it comes to you and your story.  You have made this decision based on many factors and their opinions are not one of them.  Know why you are in this and remind yourself of it often.
  7. You will never really be ready.  You won’t ever really be prepared to bring a stranger into your home or have a social worker tell you how to parent.  You will never really be ready to meet your child’s biological parent and calmly face their anger and hurt.  You will never really be ready to have your home, your family, your life and your past dissected by someone you hardly know to try to gain ‘approval’ from a system you barely understand and definitely don’t trust.  You will never really be ready to be spit on, kicked, screamed at and falsely accused.  You will never really be ready to hear the hard parts of their stories or find the words to explain heartbreak, abandonment, shame and abuse.  You will never really be ready to say goodbye to a child you have loved and fought for and protected.  Please don’t wait to be ready, and don’t be surprised when every last thing about foster care leaves you feeling like the breath just got snatched from your lungs.  Believe it or not, this is normal. 
  8. You don’t have to ride the roller coaster.  There will be highs and lows, promises and demands, fears and failures.  These emotions, words and desires can send you spiraling through loops, soaring on hope and crashing in despair.  Know that you do not have to take that ride!  You can be wise, discerning and prayerful.  You can hold your heart close and your words in check.  You can take one day at a time and refuse to make promises you can’t keep.  This is not being cynical, this is guarding your heart in the best of ways.  Loving a child in foster care well requires a deep commitment to truth and a resolve to take only the step right in front of you.  It is so tempting to run ahead, join the blame and shame game or throw your hands up in frustration.  Stay the course, be loyally in the present and keep your heart safely moored to the One who can steady you.
  9. You will need support.  This might be your church family, your parents, your neighbours or your life group.  It might be therapists, teachers or doctors.  It doesn’t really matter who it is, it just matters that you have them.  People who see you and love both you and the children you bring into your home, unconditionally.  People who will babysit, listen to your frustrations and fears, encourage you to keep going and point out the flaws in your perspective.  People who will tell you when to take a break and support you when you say yes anyway.  You are going to need people you can share the hard stuff with and know that it’s not going any further than their ears.  When the stories are hard, the day was long and the court dates are looming…you need someone to call.  Find your people.  Not only will you need them, but the children you bring into your home will be richly blessed by having a community around them.        
  10. There will be easy days. I know, after all that I just said this feels a little odd and unexpected. But it’s true. There will be days you forget that child is not your biological child or that they will one day leave your home. There will be days when the routines feel seamless and the love comes easy and it feels like a match made in heaven. There will be days they are regulated and calm and you can parent them the way you would parent a biological child. There will be days you look down and feel a love so deep it overwhelms you. There will be days that feel normal and predictable. These might be common or they might be that one in a million feeling, depending on the child and the circumstances. But they will come, I promise.          

Are you ready to say yes to this adventure of love and loss and grace? I would love to walk alongside you. Send me a message or email. It is hard but so worth it!

~AF

10 Ways To Prepare for a New Foster Placement

Preparing for a new child to enter your home through foster care is both exciting and apprehensive.

Usually we have less than twenty-four hours to get everything ready before the child is walking through the front door.

There are ten things that I try to do when I’m preparing for a new child to arrive.

  1. Prepare bedroom.  

    This is usually the first thing on my list as it’s the most important.  When the social worker arrives with the new child, they will both want to see where they will be sleeping and make sure there is a place for their things.  I like to keep a variety of bedding options on hand to pull out so I can accommodate boys or girls of the age range we typically foster.  I prepare the bed, do a quick tidy of the room and make sure there is plenty of room for clothing, diapers, etc.  If it’s an older child it’s nice to make sure there’s an empty hook in the hall closet for coats and backpack, a drawer or toothbrush holder in the bathroom and space in the bedroom for things they don’t want to share.

  2. Make a list of questions to ask the social worker upon arrival.  

    I am in the process of putting together a binder and printouts that I can use each time so I don’t have to rethink this one every time, but before they arrive I like to jot down any questions I have, dates to share and reminders for myself to bring up during our conversation.  The important ones are questions about routines for the child, medical concerns, contact info of the placing worker, and what to expect for access with biological family.  All of this should have been shared already over the phone or be included in the folder given at the time of placement but it never hurts to cover the main things twice.

  3. Pull out appropriate clothes, toys, equipment, etc.  

    I have a collection of baby equipment, clothes and toys in storage that are not currently being used.  When a new child is on their way I like to pull out any bins of clothing I think might fit and any equipment such as baby carriers, swings, rockers, etc I might want to use.  It’s nice to know what I have in case a child arrives with very little clothing, toys, etc.  This also helps me know what might need to go on my shopping list.

  4. Grocery shopping.

    The last thing you’re going to want to do within the first few days of a new placement is run to the store for food, so if there’s time I scope out the fridge and sneak in a shopping trip before the child’s arrival.  Included on that grocery list will be easy, kid friendly foods that most children will find comforting and familiar such as Kraft Dinner, chicken fingers, french fries and pizza.  I also like to make sure I have diapers, wipes, formula, toothbrushes, etc.  Some of these I keep on hand regularly.

  5. Laundry.  

    I like to be able to focus on settling in the new arrival without having to worry about us all having clothes to wear, so I often throw in a load or two of laundry as I’m waiting.

  6. Cook dinner.  

    Whether the child is expected to arrive first thing in the morning or nearly bedtime, I try to think ahead to the next couple meals and make sure I have some easy options available that won’t take too much time or attention on my part.

  7. Simplify my calendar.  

    In between placements, I try to keep going on as normal and planning life, even though I know those plans could be cancelled at any minute.  When I know for sure a new child is arriving, I always take a look at the next few weeks of my calendar and see if there’s anything that needs to be, or could be, eliminated.  This is also a good time to make sure there are no appointments, family plans, etc that you are going to require respite care, babysitting or special permission to take the child along for.  It’s good to bring those things up sooner rather than later, even though the child may have already left your home by the time you reach that date.

  8. Clean.  

    Whether it’s the bathrooms, bedrooms, floors or the fridge…if there’s a corner that has been bothering me for the last little while I try to get it cleaned before the child arrives as there’s no guarantee when the next opportunity might be!  Truthfully if I get to this one, it probably means the arrival is taking longer than expected and I’m having trouble waiting patiently!  🙂

  9. Take a shower and wash my hair.

    Particularly if there is a baby or toddler coming I try to get this done as it can be very difficult during the first couple days of getting a little one settled.

  10. Nap.

    Okay, so we all know this one is usually unrealistic.  Who has time to nap, especially while getting ready to welcome a new little person into your home!  Even if I do manage to lie down, my mind is usually too busy to be able to actually sleep.  It would, however, be a really great choice if you were able to do it!  Especially if you are about to bring a baby into your home.  Even older children will rarely sleep well the first week in a new home so bank up if you can!

 

And that’s it!

My top ten “Get Ready for a New Placement” goals.

What about you?

Anything you like to get done between the phone ringing and the front door opening?

I’d love to hear them!

AF

Finding Resources for Your Child with Learning Differences

We sat down nervously across the table from her, wondering just exactly what was recorded about our daughter in the file she had opened before her. Before beginning she paused, peered over her glasses at me and said,

“It must be exhausting trying to teach this child.”

The words startled me, and at the same time I felt tears gather in my eyes and an intense wave of relief flood through my body.

It wasn’t just me!

I wasn’t crazy!

The daily struggles were real and measureable and diagnosable.

Every special needs parent knows this intense feeling of relief to sit with a professional and have them validate all the layers of complexity you walk through on a daily basis.

While there is no easy formula or three step plan for finding the right educational route for a child with learning differences, I do feel like I’ve learned a few things along the way during the past 7 years of parenting children with exceptional learning styles and challenges. Maybe these tips will help you, too.

  1. Trust your instincts. Ultimately, you know your child better than anybody else, and that’s important. If you feel like something is out of sync, you are probably right.
  2. Think outside the box. One of the first things you need to do is start viewing your child’s learning differences as just that…learning differences. This means they learn differently, not more than or less than their peers. It means that their brains process things differently than others and may need things presented to them in unique ways. Don’t try to fit them inside the mold of average. Be a student of your child’s unique, inquisitive, wonderfully complex mind. Study the way they see the world. Take the time to listen to their ideas, the way they describe their experiences and the things that interest them. Once you understand the way your child thinks, feels and experiences the world around them, you will be much better prepared to brainstorm what might assist them in learning and growing. Be warned, however, that you just may fall in love with the way your child views the world and decide you don’t want to fit them into a typical environment. This may prompt you to lead your child on an educational journey that looks very different than what you had previously pictured as success. For example, you may decide homeschooling, outdoor learning programs, a special needs classroom, online education or part time schooling is a better fit for your child than the typical structure.
  3. Do the research. While labels are not always necessary, I have found it is helpful to know exactly what it is that you are dealing with and sharing that information with others so that they can access the appropriate resources, funding, etc that may be eligible for your child. The label is less about diagnosing and more about finding an education path for your child. Don’t be afraid of the labels. They can help. Know the information needed well enough that you can summarize, elaborate and present it in multiple forms to anyone who needs to hear it and understand it. Be the expert on your child.
  4. Find an ally. Whether it’s a teacher, principal, pediatrician, educational assistant, therapist, social worker or special education coordinator, it’s helpful to find a professional who understands your child and is willing to advocate alongside you and hear your concerns. This person can often guide you in the right direction when it comes to finding solutions as well.
  5. Listen. Ask for input from your child’s current and past educators. Give them space to express their concerns, share the observations they have made and the ways they have attempted to intervene. Make sure you know what is working and what is not working, what alternatives have been tried or implemented and why. This is the part where you listen, not criticize or offer your ideas of solutions. Be humble enough to sit and learn without putting up your defenses.
  6. Be willing to give it a try. Most likely after you follow through on number 5, you are going to have some ideas and opinions shared with you that don’t quite match your own expectations or observations. Unless you absolutely know an idea is not going to work and have proof of that, be willing to give things a fair shot. It’s just as important to allow the system to attempt interventions as it is to find that long term plan. Each intervention is building the case for your child’s unique needs, strengths and weaknesses. They will be documented, observed and tweaked in accordance with the level of success they bring. This means finding help for your child involves a lot of patience, trial and error and frustration for both you, your child and their educators.
  7. Honesty. Be willing to be transparent about your concerns and goals. The more honest you are, the more likely it will be that teachers will find you approachable and caring. Admit when you don’t know what to do or where to find answers. Let them know when something just doesn’t feel right. Most of your child’s teachers are parents themselves, and you may be surprised at the journeys they themselves have walked with their own children or past students.
  8. Take ownership and be the advocate. I’d like to be able to tell you that you will find that one person who will do all this for you, or that you can do these things once and then it will be smooth sailing from there on out but that’s just not true. Ultimately, you are your child’s sole advocate and you need to own that and be ready to settle in for the long haul. There will be seasons where the intensity will lessen and you may be able to sit back and relax a bit, having found your child that sweet spot in their education journey where they are thriving or being carefully monitored by a gifted educator. But most of the time, you are the one who will need to monitor the interventions, strategies and progress of your child. Accepting that this is your position will give you confidence and courage to stay involved and positive on your child’s educational journey. It will help you to make the best decisions possible for your child, even if that means going against the advice of the professionals around you. They will come and go over the years, but you are the constant in your child’s life. Take that position with authority and think in perspective of that.
  9. Grieve. If all this just looks overwhelming and completely unattainable, maybe you need to take the time to just grieve. Grieve the loss of your expectations, hopes, dreams and misconceptions. Grieve the loss of innocence your child may have encountered as they struggled to fit in, be heard and seen. Grieve that life may not look the way you had planned. This does not make you a bad mom. In fact, this may be the key to really unlocking success for your child. No matter how hard you work to ensure your child is seen, heard, understood and thriving…children who do not fall into the category of “average” will at some point find themselves in a situation where their differences set them apart and make things more challenging. This can be painful and isolating, and if your child thinks you don’t understand their challenges or differences, they will not see you as their support when those difficulties arise. Your child wants to know that you are equipped both mentally and emotionally to understand their unique hard-wiring. So be real with them. Don’t sugarcoat the truth about their differences and don’t make all your decisions without their input. Let them know you understand that they are different and that you recognize how hard that is at times.
  10. Celebrate your child’s unique abilities and characteristics. Once you have grieved what might have been and acknowledged the ways that your child struggles, intentionally move on and start looking for the gifts, talents and characteristics they possess. Ironically, our strengths are usually merely the flip side of our weaknesses. For example, your child may struggle with impulsivity but it’s likely that same child is brave, curious and uninhibited by worry or fear. Perhaps your child struggles socially but is very accepting of those who cannot relate in typical ways. Take time to intentionally set aside the standard ways we evaluate success in children and look past those to the strengths your child possesses that may not show up on a report card or skills evaluation. Are they gentle, gifted with animals, intuitive to others’ needs, creative, athletic, resilient, dramatic? Your child may not end up at an Ivy League school but perhaps they will make an indelible impression on the lives around them through the unique gifts and talents they are equipped with. Let them know you see these abilities they possess and that they are just as important as literacy and numeracy skills. Create space for them to exercise their talents and encourage them to pursue their interests. Every child wants to be seen, delighted in and loved for who they are, aside from their abilities. This applies to your child, no matter what struggles they may face academically. So make this your number one priority. Before the daily reading, flashcards, fine motor exercises, speech therapy or phys-coeducational evaluations take the time to stop and just love the child in front of you. Their quirks, their flaws, their strengths, their beautiful individuality.

~AF

FATHERS

I see you, biological father.

I see the way you turn your head away and blink back tears as I walk out the door with your son’s hand in mine. You feel defeated, ashamed and angry that the world has turned on you. I know, and I’m sorry. I know you have made many mistakes and that you are paying a high price for the sins you have committed. I know you feel small and unheard and rejected. Know that your son doesn’t see you that way. He only sees his Daddy and the way your strong arms swing him up high into the sky. He only sees the way you get down on the floor and play cars with him, laughing at the roaring, zooming, crashing noises he makes as he vies for your eyes and attention on him. This unconditional love he has for you is a gift. I know you feel like you don’t deserve it. None of us do. But take it anyway, and let it form in your heart a vow to be the very best man you can be. I want him to have you in his life, but it’s you that has to do the hard work.

I SEE YOU, foster dad.

I see the struggle in your eyes as you say yes to yet another child’s presence in your home. Another little mouth to feed, another heart to gently lead toward healing, another set of hands tugging at you for time, attention, affection and comfort. You sometimes feel like you’re drowning, and like you can’t keep up to the constant, crashing waves of this thing called foster care. You attach, you let go, you grieve and you provide…and most of this you do quietly, steadily and alone. I know you feel the pressure to be the rock in a constantly changing tide, and I wish you knew that you are! It’s okay to let down the walls sometimes and let the sadness, anger and worry seep through. You are not the Hero in this story, and it’s not all up to you. It’s okay to say no, to crumble a bit, even to feel detached from the little people that fill your home. I get it. They are little strangers to you. You are enough just the way you are. They don’t see the struggle, they only feel your intentional choices to love them. Your gentle arms around them, the silly voices you use to read their bedtime stories, the familiar, comforting smell of dust and sweat on your neon shirt as you walk in the door at the end of each day. Your presence speaks louder than all the doubts and fears that you carry on your shoulders. Your choice to love even when you don’t feel it is what makes you the good father that you are.

I SEE YOU, biological father.

The way you cannot meet my eye and the agitation in your face. You are angry and defiant, and I get it. It isn’t fair and you didn’t see this coming. You are losing the fight toward reunification and it’s eating you alive. Your daughter plays alone in the corner, ignoring your presence. You feel awkward and unsure as I enter the room. I cannot condone your behavior and I’m tired of your disrespect. I am fighting against you and we both know it, but you should know that it breaks my heart to see this. I never wanted this for you, or for her. I read the sparse details of your story in her social history and I weep for you that night into my pillow. I weep for the rejection you have faced, the addictions you have succumbed to and the anger that has taken you captive. You feel like a victim and you will not let them win this time. I wish you understood that you are losing everything that is important to you. I wish I could tell you how she stares at the pictures of you, how you are still there in her nightmares and her prayers. Your impact has been devastating; but still, you are her father. You are the one who gave her those beautiful blue eyes and the defiant tilt of her chin. She carries your wild craving of adventure and sarcastic sense of humor. She is fragile right now, and she needs protection, but you will always be her father. It’s up to you what you do with that.

I SEE YOU, adoptive dad.

The way you tenderly kiss her forehead and tuck the curls behind her ear. I see the way your eyes light up when he runs to you and the way you stop and turn to his little voice. I see you running alongside her bike, guiding his hands on the fishing rod and shouting out words of encouragement as they take turns gripping the bat in their hands. I see the way your shoulders slump a bit when I tell you about their father’s visit today and the hesitation in your eyes when they call you Daddy for the first time. I see the pain that you carry alongside the incredible joy, and the quiet hope that burns in your eyes. I see you tying skates, paying the extra therapy bills and changing diapers. I see you teaching her to drive a car and placing your hand on his shoulder when he comes home angry, disillusioned and scared. Their lives are out of your control and I see you living in that tension every single day. It is beautiful the way you are choosing to walk beside them even when the cost feels incredibly high. Your significance is far beyond measure. They will never know how much you sacrificed for them, but it matters.

I SEE YOU.

The Dads who are failing, floundering, and tenaciously fighting for these vulnerable children.

You matter.

You are important in this story.

You will not be forgotten.

-AF

Goodbye, Hello & His Goodness in the Uncertainty

And while the world slowed, we said goodbye.

In the middle of a worldwide pandemic, with all our normal routines suddenly readjusted, we did the bittersweet lasts. As usual it ended abruptly, not quite following the carefully constructed plans we had made…but we did get to say goodbye.

For almost two years our foster son was ours to love, care for, delight in; but now he has moved on. He leaves a hole in my heart that looks like the shape of his face, the sound of his voice and the presence of his animated, lively personality in our home. His leaving holds all the typical emotions of foster care; sadness, frustration, fear, surrender, peace and even relief that the chaos of transitioning is over. Unlike sometimes, it also holds new relationships forged with birth family, the hope of continued connection through the months and years and the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone.

As seems to be typical in the story of our family, we simultaneously grieve and look ahead with anticipation. As one child leaves our home, my womb swells and pulses with the life of another.

Sometime in the next two weeks we expect to welcome this new wee life into our world and we are all so thrilled! The past nine months have flown by in the whirlwind of family life and it is hard to believe we are already here, on the brink of our new forever. I can’t help but stop and smile at the timing of it all, and breathe in the sweet relief of once again seeing how perfectly God orchestrates these stories in our lives.

While so many things about this season of isolation, social distancing and elimination in the world have been inconvenient, it has also been a season of much needed rest and intimacy for our family, especially as we said goodbye and realigned our identity as a family of six instead of the seven we have been for so long.

I am so thankful for the sweet, uninterrupted time we have had together these past few weeks.

Seeing my children’s heads bowed around the dining room table over crafts, schoolwork, Lego structures and board games has been so good for my heart. Dirty hands and faces planting seeds, splashing through the creek, gathering eggs and riding bicycles. So much time to make memories together, to enjoy the quiet and to soak in the first hopeful signs of Spring. Freedom from schedules, obligations and social requirements.

We had our first bonfire, dressed in mud suits and mixing smoky hot dogs with dirt and the last remaining snow piles. We’ve taken walks, raked leaves, done Science experiments and moved our hens into their outdoor enclosure.

It’s been far from perfect; there have been tears, short tempers and insane amounts of glue and tape. There has been screaming and lack of impulse control and interrupted sleep and more screen time than I’d like. But still, it has been exactly what we all needed in this season of loss and growth.

I didn’t plan on bringing this little one into the world in the midst of homeschooling, social distancing and medical fragility worldwide, but I see the goodness of it all and I’m grateful.

I didn’t plan on having our foster care transition plan moved ahead by weeks and to suddenly, in the space of a weekend, realize we were at the end and it was time to say goodbye. We didn’t have the physical support and monitoring of our social workers that I had pictured as ideal, and I felt far from ready…not that you ever really get there anyway.

But still, I see His goodness in the details of this season and I trust that despite the questions that want to hold my heart hostage He has got these circumstances and this precious child I love securely in the palm of His hand.

He is not the least bit surprised, fearful or disappointed.

He is absolutely Sovereign over it all.

My stretched, shifting womb with the heartbeat throbbing inside.

The tears in both our eyes as I hold him and tell him how very much he is loved, my heart breaking with his as we try to understand our new reality-apart instead of together.

The spreading disease that makes us all suddenly stop and see the world’s fragility through new eyes.

And it’s enough.

Trusting that He is Good and Sovereign is enough to carry me through this and every season of life.

-AF

How to Say Goodbye

“I could never do that. I could never let them go.”

This is still the most common response I hear in regards to foster care.

I get it, and I always try to respond by validating that fear, acknowledging that it is hard and messy just like you would expect, and that I have said and felt the same thing!

However, I also try to follow up that conversation by gently pointing out the reality that it’s really not about us as the adults or our fear of grief.

God had to gently lead my heart to a place of realization that whether or not I felt equipped to handle the pain really had nothing to do with it. If he was asking me to love these children, it was a matter of obedience and faith, not a question of how much it was going to hurt.

But still…how do you say goodbye?

How do you do all the lasts with a child you have poured your heart into?

Last bedtime story, last day of school, last time brushing his teeth, last time braiding her hair, last time snuggled on the couch watching a movie, last bottle, last diaper change, last I love you, last kiss on the cheek?

Believe me, I notice every single painful moment of those days.

How do you willingly walk them out the door of your home back into the place they have been hurt, or possibly into a brand new reality that neither of you is familiar with?

While I’d like to say reunification usually ends in a child returning to a safer, more secure, more healthy home environment…if I’m honest most of the time the situation they return to is far from ideal. Most times the standard reached is the bare minimum, not the best case scenario.

As a foster parent, you walk a tightrope.

On one side you are the strongest advocate and most consistent presence in the child’s life you are caring for. Your voice needs to be heard and part of your job is to speak your perspective into the situation whenever possible.

This can, however, fool you into believing you should have the right to control the outcome of this child’s future, which is false. You are often the last to find out and last to be consulted when it comes to important decisions being made about the very child you love and care for on a daily basis. Despite being the main caregiver for your child, you have zero legal authority to make decisions for their future unless you’ve officially been invited into that process by the court. You are given information about the child’s family only on a need to know basis, and you only have a few pieces of a very complicated puzzle, which means that often you are not equipped to decide what is truly in your child’s best interests when it comes to their family situation. You may or may not be allowed to be present at court hearings and planning meetings. In many ways, your job is much more specific and defined than regular parenting.

In this way foster care is radically different than parenting biological or adoptive children who are in your home permanently.

One of the most difficult parts is recognizing that you need to stay in your own lane, and often that means trusting others to make decisions you desperately want to make yourself. It means acknowledging that you do not have a right to all the information you would like and that others may know important pieces that you are missing. It means trusting that people who hardly know your child may have more insight into what is best for them than you do.

As we go through our days, my foster son feels like just another one of my precious tribe. I pack his lunch, wash his clothes, read him stories and delight in his accomplishments. I put his artwork on the fridge, hold his hand in the parking lot, buy his favourite snacks and plan his birthday parties. I attend parent teacher meetings, advocate for class placement and make charts to motivate him. I know the classroom songs that will guide him through putting on a thousand winter clothing articles, accompany him on field trips, intuitively know when he needs to use the bathroom and start collecting the next size up of clothing.

But simultaneously, I am constantly reminded to hold him with open palms.

I consult his social worker on important decisions, advocating strongly but respecting that it is ultimately up to her. I fill a photo album of pictures of his birth family and talk to him regularly about them. I look into the future and am very aware that his presence in our home is a question mark, not a guarantee. I keep track of the clothing and toys that come home from visits the best I can, knowing I will need to know which ones belong to him, not my other children, if he leaves our home. I file all the reports and pass along all the doctors notes, dentist prescriptions and report cards. I ask permission for haircuts and need someone else’s signature on almost anything that needs to be signed.

All of these things and a thousand others remind me constantly that he is not my child. While this does not necessarily make the goodbye easier, it does put it into context.

The hardest goodbyes involve little hands reaching out for you, screaming as you turn and stumble away, powerless to comfort them. The easiest involve carefully planned transitions, a gentle phasing of one normal to the next as you both adjust.

I have said goodbye to a child sobbing with the pain of it all and I have said goodbye to a child with a deep sense of peace and relief, aching at the loss but knowing that it is right and good.

Usually the end comes into sight long before it’s actually there, and as a foster parent, you learn the signs. Even my children can sense when a child’s case is moving toward reunification.

Grief can begin before the goodbye.

Your heart starts to surrender before your arms let go.

You find what you can do, and you pour yourself into that.

It might be advocating at school so that your child will go home with all the supports they possibly can get.

It might be gathering clothing for the next two years, packing boxes to send home to that single mom so that she will have one less thing to worry about for the next while.

It might be filling photo albums to send, buying gifts or recording every last detail you can think of about the child’s likes, dislikes, preferences, routines and habits.

It might be doing everything you can to build a strong relationship with the child’s permanent family, letting them know they are not alone and you will be right beside them cheering them on.

It might be night after night of tears and prayers and giving that child back into the Father’s hands again and again.

You will learn how to put on a brave face, because her little eyes are searching yours and more than you need to cry you desperately long to reassure her and keep her safe.

All parents, at some point, will be thrust into a situation that feels like more than you can handle.

But somehow, God’s grace is there and pulls us through those deep waters in ways we can hardly fathom or clearly remember later.

You can’t do it, until you have to…and then you do.

Mostly it is a walk of trust, choosing to believe in God’s goodness and sovereignty in the middle of my own fear, doubt and pain. Remembering that His view has much clearer perspective than my own in the grand scheme of eternity.

(And sometimes it involves curling up in a ball and crying your eyes out.)

That’s how we say goodbye over and over,

and somehow keep our hearts in tact.

AF