My sweet boy,
You have forever changed my world.
I had no idea I could experience such a huge array of emotions in such a short time.
Pain, anticipation, helplessness, elation, relief, awe, adoration and the deepest joy I have ever known.
Your birth was beautiful, terrifying and humbling.
On October 22, 2015 at 1:06 pm you entered the world and I immediately fell blissfully in love with you. Holding you in my arms and seeing your bright eyes gazing up at me I felt as if my heart might tear at the seams.
You are almost 5 weeks old now, and still I have not lost that sense of wonder when I look at you. It’s remarkable how just when I think my heart could not possibly hold more love, you smile and it fills my entire being with joy.
Adoption and foster care has made me a different Mommy to you, Karter.
A better Mommy.
Every other baby I’ve cared for, loved and kissed goodnight has already been dealt some of life’s ugliest blows…even at only a few weeks old. Their worlds quickly lost the innocence and purity yours still holds. They knew pain, fear, rejection, abandonment and loneliness so incredibly early. So when I look at you, sleeping peacefully with no fear, no pain, no awareness of anything but gentle love and the security that you will be nurtured with the deepest of adoration…it shapes in my heart a vow to be the very best I can be.
To you, I am everything.
Your favourite place is in my arms, pressed closest to my heart.
You are so innocent and unblemished, and I would give anything to protect that pure beauty.
I find myself wanting to shield you from all the harsh realities of this world we live in.
Your cry cuts straight to my soul, and I know this will never really go away. In the blink of an eye you’ll be as big as your big sisters and still I will be trying to protect you and be your safe place.
I know too soon I will no longer be your everything;
Your favourite place to be,
And the arms you never tire of being wrapped within.
So today I hold you.
I hold you and hold you until my arms ache.
Even while the dishes and laundry pile up and the clock ticks the hours away, I hold you. I breathe in your scent, kiss your soft crown and let you hear the beat of my heart right next to your own.
Eventually the world will come and force its way between us, and I will be proud as you spread your wings.
But for now, I will hold you close, and I will enjoy every second.
I love you, Karter Jax
Forever adoringly yours,