Tag: may foster care awareness month

Why All the Talk About Trauma?

If you’ve been paying attention to the world of foster care and adoption and helping vulnerable demographics, you’ll have been hearing the word TRAUMA thrown around a lot.

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You might be wondering…

Why all the talk about trauma?

What does trauma have to do with foster care?

What exactly do we mean when we say someone has experienced trauma?

Let’s start with a definition:

Trauma: an event or experience that overwhelms a person’s capacity to cope.

This definition of trauma is purposely vague because we understand better than ever after the last decade of neuroscientific research findings that trauma is defined not just by the bare facts but also by how our body processes and encodes those experiences internally.

I like to think about it this way. Trauma happens when we experience too much for too long with too little support.

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Trauma can happen to anyone anywhere.

Two people can live through the same experience and emerge with very different perspectives and affects depending on variables such as risk factors, developmental maturity, genetic predisposition and generational experiences.

While one child living through a war or dysfunctional family environment may experience trauma, another may not experience the same degree of impacts due to age, developmental ability or level of support they receive through their experience.  This is why we sometimes see siblings manifest very differently despite having very similar looking experiences.  For example, a younger child who is more dependent on an abusive or neglectful caregiver may manifest more dramatic symptoms than an older child who had opportunites to escape the daily reality through school or neighbours or friends.  

It’s important to remember that we don’t get to define what has or has not been traumatic for another person.  There are so many variables at play.  

Trauma also comes in various types.

An individual can experience:

  1. Acute Trauma – this type of trauma occurs as the result of an isolated, terrifying incident where a person feels overwhelmed by a direct threat to their life or someone else’s and has feelings of intense helplessness and fear. Some examples where acute trauma may occur are: witnessing an act of violence, death of a loved one or seeing someone die, living through a traumatic situation like a car accident, house fire, natural disaster, etc.

2. Chronic Trauma – this type of trauma describes a situation where a person experiences many traumatic events over an extended period of time, such as in cases of repeated exposure to abuse, neglect, domestic violence, those who live in war zones or areas of severe political unrest. The repetitive nature of this type of trauma causes a person to develop significant loss of trust in other human beings, anxiety and fear for their own safety, guilt, shame and symptoms such as chronic anxiety, physical or mental illness, addiction and fatigue.

3. Complex Developmental Trauma – the third type of trauma is the one that is most important to understand in light of foster care. Developmental Trauma is diagnosed by four significant factors. First, it includes traumatic events early in a child’s life (the first five years). Secondly, it includes patterns of chronic, ongoing trauma. Thirdly, it involves maltreatment of some kind such as abuse or neglect and fourthly it includes the absence of a caregiver to protect or buffer the traumatic experience. Oftentimes, this trauma occurs at the hands of the very person the child should be able to rely on to protect and support them such as a parent or other trusted adult.

While all three types of trauma are certainly impactful and devastating, Complex Developmental Trauma often has long lasting and severe impacts that are very important to understand.

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When parenting a child who has experienced this type of trauma, it is essential to focus on helping the child feel connected and safe with their caregiver. This is no small feat. The child who has experienced complex developmental trauma will most likely experience developmental delays, cognitive deficits, physical and mental fragility and illness, challenging emotions and behaviours and resistance to both structure and nurture.

Many times, these symptoms of trauma look a lot like bad behaviour. If we have not taken the time to get curious about the ways children are behaving and responding, we risk causing further hurt to the very children we want to protect and care for.

Initially in our foster care journey, my husband and I had a very limited understanding of trauma and its impacts. As the years went by, we started realizing how small our “toolbox” was and we were noticing that some of the traditional parenting techniques we relied on were not having the effects we anticipated. Removing priviledges, time outs, consequences we felt fit the behaviour, punishments…they did not seem to sit the same with these kids. We knew that we needed a greater understanding and compassion for what was going on inside of these children’s minds and hearts. We wanted them to experience healing and connection.

I am so grateful that God gave us opportunities to learn more about how trauma impacts a child and what that meant for us as their caregivers.

More importantly, it’s changed the way that I view the world and the people around me.

Slowly, I am learning to ask,

“What happened to you?”

Instead of,

“What is wrong with you?”

Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey wrote a beautiful book titled What Happened to You? In it, they explore this exact shift and what it might do to promote healing in our society if we all learned to ask this question.

I am also learning how to be curious instead of furious about challenging behaviours and responses – both with my children and myself! I am learning how to put on a lens that assumes this person can’t yet instead of won’t. This mindset assumes that people are doing the best they can with what they have and that skills can be taught through care and connection.

Dr. Ross Greene has become popular among child phsychologists and educators with his Reframe the Behaviour model. I have this infographic posted on my fridge because I need the reminder every single day.

“Kids do well if they can.” – Ross Greene

No child (or adult) sets themselves up to fail. We all want to thrive and succeed, but sometimes there are expectations, requirements or assumptions placed upon us that are not appropriate for our mental, emotional or cognitive capacity.

“See a child differently, you see a different child.”

– Dr. Stuart Shanker

So why all the talk about trauma?

Understanding trauma helps us to move from simply feeling compassion to truly developing the skills needed to care well for those who have lived through horrific experiences.

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Maya Angelou was a poet and civil rights activist. She once said,

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

 In chapter 3 of his letter, Paul writes to the Colossian believers about their new identity in Christ.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”

Compassion and kindness.

Humility.

Meekness – strength under control.

Patience and forgiveness.

These are the characteristics that are to mark the believer.

Similiarly, to the Phillipians, Paul encourages them,

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

If there is anything I have learned in this foster care journey, it is that humility is the most important ingredient.

It takes humility to consider new perspectives, to lay aside preconcieved ideas and to admit when my repetoire is limited and lacking.

Neuroscientific research is exploding with new information about how our brains and bodies are designed to respond to the world around us. Everything I have learned about trauma is consistent with what the Bible teaches about how we were created and who we were created for.

There is so much hope and healing available, but it begins with a deep understanding and acknowledgment of brokenness.

I am passionate in helping everyone everywhere, but especially those who are Christians, understand more about trauma and how it impacts those who experience it because I believe that this is the way that Jesus would have us live and walk in the world.

Love God.

Love people.

This is why trauma matters.

-AF

Let’s Begin With Loss

May is foster care awareness month.

My goal this month is to post in some medium on a daily basis to create greater awareness of needs, dispel some myths and encourage those impacted by foster care.

I’d be so delighted if you are able to join me this month. Additionally, if anything I say sparks curiosity, resonates with you or inspires you, please take the time to share that in some way with someone in your life.

It takes a community to care, to create lasting change and to build support around the vulnerable. It all begins with a conversation.

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May 1: Let’s Begin With Loss

Every single child who enters the foster care system has experienced significant loss. By this I mean they have experienced gut-wrenching, world shifting losses that will forever change how they view the world. We call this kind of loss: trauma.

Typically, these losses include:

  • Loss of a parent or other primary caregiver through separation or death
  • Loss of extended family members and friends
  • Loss of familiar environments such as their school, daycare, favourite park, neighbourhood, etc
  • Loss of toys and items – that stuffie he always sleeps with or the markers Grandma gave her for her birthday are likely to have been left behind
  • Loss of safety – children are only ever removed from homes because they are in need of safety and protection in some form
  • Loss of comfort – whatever is normal to us is what we find comfortable. While a blanket reeking of marijuana may not provide comfort to you, for a small child who associates this smell with “home”, replacing that blanket or washing it with bleach to remove the scent you find disgusting will be a loss.
  • Loss of control – children almost always enter foster care against their will.

These kinds of losses accumulate in staggering realities when a child is removed from their home and family and placed into foster care. This choice is never made lightly. It’s important to remember why this move is deemed a last resort intervention for families who are struggling and the impacts this intervention will have on the family unit.

In the face of such significant losses, most children and their parents will experience feelings of grief, anger, hopelessness and shame.

But this is not what most people first think of when they see a child in the care of a foster family.

“Adoption (or foster care) loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

-The Reverend Keith C. Griffith

This quote popped up on my social media feed recently and snagged my attention long enough for me to wince. I feel this. As a foster mom who has loved the children that enter my home deeply, advocated intentionally for their needs, been proactive about connecting with biological parents in healthy ways and supporting reunification…I still fall into the trap of believing that these children and families I care for should be grateful to me; that they owe me something.

This theory is reinforced through comments, conversations and stories that celebrate foster parents as heroic, “saint-like” humans with special giftings to care and serve well. Simultaneously, biological families are generally viewed with thinly veiled disdain and suspicion.

I cannot count the times I have shared that I am a foster parent and been told,

“Good for you!”

“You are amazing!”

“I could never do that.”

“They are so lucky to have you.”

I’m a human, and sometimes these comments feel really good! However, that feeling of satisfaction or even pride is always followed by a sense of sadness, discouragement and a feeling of being misunderstood. While I do understand these comments are made with the best of intentions, they all play skillfully into this false perception that foster parents are uniquely equipped humans who have chosen to sacrifice greatly for the good of others – others being children and families in need of our rescue.

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that when people are hurting, they don’t need someone to rescue them. They need someone to care. And almost anyone can care!

Until we can see foster care as a way to care instead of a way to rescue, we’re going to keep getting it wrong and having unrealistic expectations.

The mother with addiction issues needs someone to care enough to ask the question, “What is it in life that feels so big that you’re reaching for these negative coping tools right now?”

The father with domestic violence charges needs someone to care. Someone to say, “I get it. I never knew I could feel rage toward someone I loved until I became a parent. I know you love your kids. Let’s figure out how to break the patterns of anger and violence so your kids can feel safe with you.”

The toddler who has just been placed into a stranger’s home, far from everything familiar in life, needs someone to care. He needs someone to be patient as he screams through bathtime, bedtime and storytime.

The grandmother who is “abandoning” her grandchildren needs someone to care. She needs someone to come alongside and say, “How can I help? This is a lot that you’re carrying, and I can see how exhausted you are. Your needs matter too. “

The adolescent who has just entered foster care against her will needs someone to care; someone to give her choices about as many things as possible as she navigates this new life that she did not choose or want or ask for. She needs someone to be curious about the coping tools she’s accumulated to survive in a challenging home environment. She needs someone who is willing to show up again and again and again and again.

And all these people need someone who is willing to care without expecting gratitude in return.

I have never met a parent who does not genuinely love their child and want to do better, no matter what they have done. I have also never met a parent who gets it all right 100% of the time.

Almost all of the parents of children entering the foster care system are people who have experienced trauma. They are coping with life in the only ways they know how…just like you and I. Many of them grew up in foster care themselves or in abusive or neglectful home environments where they did not get a chance to learn how to care for children or themselves as caregivers with a healthy balance of structure and nurture.

Many of them are isolated, struggling with mental illness, have toxic relationships and lack financial security.

What would it look like to change our understanding of foster care to include more empathy surrounding the losses involved?

My hypothesis is this:

Understanding the losses that children experience when they enter the foster care system would lead to communities who are:

  • more empathetic toward children in foster care and their biological families
  • more proactive about suppporting struggling families
  • curious about behaviors of both children and adults within the system who have experienced loss
  • dedicated to preventing the separation of families and supporting the reunification of families whenever possible

One more thought to leave you with.

What is something in your life that you do not like and cannot change?

What emotions, behaviors and coping tools come to the surface as you process that reality?

What might it look like to support someone involved with the foster care system today with empathy, curiosity and care?

-AF