Tag: learning

Why All the Talk About Trauma?

If you’ve been paying attention to the world of foster care and adoption and helping vulnerable demographics, you’ll have been hearing the word TRAUMA thrown around a lot.

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You might be wondering…

Why all the talk about trauma?

What does trauma have to do with foster care?

What exactly do we mean when we say someone has experienced trauma?

Let’s start with a definition:

Trauma: an event or experience that overwhelms a person’s capacity to cope.

This definition of trauma is purposely vague because we understand better than ever after the last decade of neuroscientific research findings that trauma is defined not just by the bare facts but also by how our body processes and encodes those experiences internally.

I like to think about it this way. Trauma happens when we experience too much for too long with too little support.

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Trauma can happen to anyone anywhere.

Two people can live through the same experience and emerge with very different perspectives and affects depending on variables such as risk factors, developmental maturity, genetic predisposition and generational experiences.

While one child living through a war or dysfunctional family environment may experience trauma, another may not experience the same degree of impacts due to age, developmental ability or level of support they receive through their experience.  This is why we sometimes see siblings manifest very differently despite having very similar looking experiences.  For example, a younger child who is more dependent on an abusive or neglectful caregiver may manifest more dramatic symptoms than an older child who had opportunites to escape the daily reality through school or neighbours or friends.  

It’s important to remember that we don’t get to define what has or has not been traumatic for another person.  There are so many variables at play.  

Trauma also comes in various types.

An individual can experience:

  1. Acute Trauma – this type of trauma occurs as the result of an isolated, terrifying incident where a person feels overwhelmed by a direct threat to their life or someone else’s and has feelings of intense helplessness and fear. Some examples where acute trauma may occur are: witnessing an act of violence, death of a loved one or seeing someone die, living through a traumatic situation like a car accident, house fire, natural disaster, etc.

2. Chronic Trauma – this type of trauma describes a situation where a person experiences many traumatic events over an extended period of time, such as in cases of repeated exposure to abuse, neglect, domestic violence, those who live in war zones or areas of severe political unrest. The repetitive nature of this type of trauma causes a person to develop significant loss of trust in other human beings, anxiety and fear for their own safety, guilt, shame and symptoms such as chronic anxiety, physical or mental illness, addiction and fatigue.

3. Complex Developmental Trauma – the third type of trauma is the one that is most important to understand in light of foster care. Developmental Trauma is diagnosed by four significant factors. First, it includes traumatic events early in a child’s life (the first five years). Secondly, it includes patterns of chronic, ongoing trauma. Thirdly, it involves maltreatment of some kind such as abuse or neglect and fourthly it includes the absence of a caregiver to protect or buffer the traumatic experience. Oftentimes, this trauma occurs at the hands of the very person the child should be able to rely on to protect and support them such as a parent or other trusted adult.

While all three types of trauma are certainly impactful and devastating, Complex Developmental Trauma often has long lasting and severe impacts that are very important to understand.

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When parenting a child who has experienced this type of trauma, it is essential to focus on helping the child feel connected and safe with their caregiver. This is no small feat. The child who has experienced complex developmental trauma will most likely experience developmental delays, cognitive deficits, physical and mental fragility and illness, challenging emotions and behaviours and resistance to both structure and nurture.

Many times, these symptoms of trauma look a lot like bad behaviour. If we have not taken the time to get curious about the ways children are behaving and responding, we risk causing further hurt to the very children we want to protect and care for.

Initially in our foster care journey, my husband and I had a very limited understanding of trauma and its impacts. As the years went by, we started realizing how small our “toolbox” was and we were noticing that some of the traditional parenting techniques we relied on were not having the effects we anticipated. Removing priviledges, time outs, consequences we felt fit the behaviour, punishments…they did not seem to sit the same with these kids. We knew that we needed a greater understanding and compassion for what was going on inside of these children’s minds and hearts. We wanted them to experience healing and connection.

I am so grateful that God gave us opportunities to learn more about how trauma impacts a child and what that meant for us as their caregivers.

More importantly, it’s changed the way that I view the world and the people around me.

Slowly, I am learning to ask,

“What happened to you?”

Instead of,

“What is wrong with you?”

Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey wrote a beautiful book titled What Happened to You? In it, they explore this exact shift and what it might do to promote healing in our society if we all learned to ask this question.

I am also learning how to be curious instead of furious about challenging behaviours and responses – both with my children and myself! I am learning how to put on a lens that assumes this person can’t yet instead of won’t. This mindset assumes that people are doing the best they can with what they have and that skills can be taught through care and connection.

Dr. Ross Greene has become popular among child phsychologists and educators with his Reframe the Behaviour model. I have this infographic posted on my fridge because I need the reminder every single day.

“Kids do well if they can.” – Ross Greene

No child (or adult) sets themselves up to fail. We all want to thrive and succeed, but sometimes there are expectations, requirements or assumptions placed upon us that are not appropriate for our mental, emotional or cognitive capacity.

“See a child differently, you see a different child.”

– Dr. Stuart Shanker

So why all the talk about trauma?

Understanding trauma helps us to move from simply feeling compassion to truly developing the skills needed to care well for those who have lived through horrific experiences.

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Maya Angelou was a poet and civil rights activist. She once said,

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

 In chapter 3 of his letter, Paul writes to the Colossian believers about their new identity in Christ.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”

Compassion and kindness.

Humility.

Meekness – strength under control.

Patience and forgiveness.

These are the characteristics that are to mark the believer.

Similiarly, to the Phillipians, Paul encourages them,

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

If there is anything I have learned in this foster care journey, it is that humility is the most important ingredient.

It takes humility to consider new perspectives, to lay aside preconcieved ideas and to admit when my repetoire is limited and lacking.

Neuroscientific research is exploding with new information about how our brains and bodies are designed to respond to the world around us. Everything I have learned about trauma is consistent with what the Bible teaches about how we were created and who we were created for.

There is so much hope and healing available, but it begins with a deep understanding and acknowledgment of brokenness.

I am passionate in helping everyone everywhere, but especially those who are Christians, understand more about trauma and how it impacts those who experience it because I believe that this is the way that Jesus would have us live and walk in the world.

Love God.

Love people.

This is why trauma matters.

-AF

Reading Aloud with Your Family

Every now and then in the sea of parenting books I am constantly reading, there is one that connects with my soul and makes me say, Yes!  That’s it!

Recently I stumbled across one of these books.

The Read Aloud Family by Sarah Mackenzie inspired me, challenged me and helped me dream again as a Mom.

As a young girl I fell head over heels in love with books.  I learned to read with ease at a very young age and spent hours poring over books.  Stories enchanted me, carrying me to new places and introducing new ideas.

I used to spend hours wandering the isles of the public library, pulling out one book after another to scan the back cover or flip through the pages to get an idea of the content.  When it was time to go I would painfully sort through my huge stack and try to decide which ones were my favourites and which ones I would leave behind until next time.

As a mother, I would love to see my children discover stories the way I did.  To be delighted for hours on end, swept away to other worlds and times in a story is a beautiful way to spend a childhood.

A reader is never bored.

Five years into my mothering journey, however, I have come to realize that some of my children are not wired to dive into literature the way I am.  Learning disabilities and high energy levels can throw some major barriers on the roadway to reading, and for some of my children reading will always feel more like a decoding exercise than a fascinating way to spend a couple hours.

Imagine trying to read a book upside down while looking in a mirror with itchy mosquito bites all over you begging to be scratched.  That is approximately what it feels like for one of my children in particular to sit down with a book.

What The Read Aloud Family introduced to me was the idea that even if my children are never able to launch into the world of literacy independently, they can still enjoy stories and let their imaginations take them to these far away places through me reading aloud to them!  Not only that, but the benefits of reading are not only limited to enjoyment…though that should still be our number one goal when we read aloud!

When you read aloud to your children, these 5 things will happen:

1. With the chore of decoding words out of the way, your children will be able to settle in and enjoy the story, setting them up to experience the joy and magic of stories.

Though it is certainly true that life requires a lot of mandatory reading that is not fun, I want my children to pick up books because they want to.  Reading aloud to your children and introducing audio books to them gives them the opportunity to experience what it is like when the chore of learning to read is put behind them and they can effortlessly experience the content of the writing.  Though it is still going to take work to learn how to read, we all know the more that you read the better reader you will become!  If we can motivate our children toward reading with pleasure instead of a feeling of obligation, they are much more likely to succeed in becoming strong readers.  Nothing will make them want to pick up books more than falling in love with stories.  You can help them do this by reading interesting books to them, including books that would be too difficult for them to read on their own.

2. When you read aloud you will be exposing your children to phonetically correct language which will help them develop their own ability to read, write and speak correctly. 

Constantly taking in new vocabulary and proper sentence structure through the ear will inevitably result in the same coming out through their own mouths and writing.  It is exciting and funny to watch your children try out new vocabulary and ways of speaking.  I love seeing little ones trying to include big words they have picked up while writing their personal stories.  It’s also fun to explore vocabulary with your children as you read, giving them definitions for those interesting words you stumble across.

3. When you read aloud with your children you can help them learn how to make connections in the content.

This is a skill that is so important for children to develop as it is linked to their comprehension of what they are reading.  It is not enough just to be able to decode words; they need to be able to comprehend the ideas being portrayed behind the words.  Understanding similes, metaphors, foreshadowing and motives behind the content they are reading is imperative.  When reading aloud, taking the time to ask simple questions or explore opinions can encourage your children to be thinking while they are taking in content and analyzing it’s motives and meaning.  In a culture where our children are being bombarded with messages, I want my children to know how to use critical thinking to develop their own convictions and ideas confidently.  You can encourage three kinds of connections: text to text (connecting to another book or earlier chapter), text to self (connecting to his or her own life) and text to world (connecting to something in the broader world or culture.)           

4. When you read aloud to your children you will be building memories together. 

This is my favourite motivation to read aloud.  There are few things I would rather give to my children than to remember me being truly present with them, hearing my voice reading to them and experiencing the intimacy of a shared story.  I can still hear my mother’s voice, see myself and my four siblings sprawled around the living room and remember affectionately the tears in her eyes the first time she read Wilson Rawls’ Where the Red Fern Grows.  That moment in time will be lodged in my soul forever.  I can see my fourth grade teacher’s classic high heels and feel the hard, scratchy carpet beneath me when I pick up the book Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson  and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis.  My husband inherited the well beloved Thornton T. Burgess collection of bedtime stories from his grandparents and we are currently reading through his well loved copy of The Adventures of Chatterer the Squirrel.  My daughters were delighted to learn this was one of their Dad’s favourite childhood stories.  Gordon Korman’s humorous stories bring back memories to me of laughter and camaraderie with my siblings and cousins as we would retell the stories and pass on the latest sequels.  Stories that are shared provide material for conversations and opportunities to explore difficult topics.  Love, honor, courage, grief…these are topics often explored, even in very young children’s literature.

5. Last of all, when you read to your children you will also be reading to yourself! 

I have been reminded this summer that there are few things I enjoy more than a good story.  I love when the kids are begging for just one more chapter at bedtime and I cave, despite the time, because I just can’t wait to see what happens next!  I love reading, and with five children in the house, there aren’t a lot of quiet moments where I can pick up my own books so if I can experience reading and spend time with my children simultaneously…that’s a win for me!  I also love having an excuse to pick up those elementary age books again.  Many of the best books I have ever read are written for ages 8-12 year olds.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, The Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White, Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery and Ramona Quimby Age 8 by Beverly Cleary; what a humorous, enchanting and enjoyable repertoire!  And those few books are just barely scratching the surface of a gold mine filled with hours of adventure and entertainment.  Even picture books for little kids can be interesting and fun to read as an adult.  I have loved my boys’ recent favourites; The Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle and Jill McElmurry, Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site by Sherri Duskey Rinker, Big Bad Bruce by Bill Peet and Mighty Dads by Joan Holub and James Dean.

If any of this sounds exciting or intriguing to you I encourage you to pick up a copy of Sarah Mackenzie’s book, The Read Aloud Family.  This manual to reading aloud with your family will give you inspiration, practical tips, book lists for every age group and tips for choosing good books.  I promise you will not regret it!

~AF