Tag: foster care awareness month

The Process

Becoming a foster parent is a process. Like most good things it requires patience, intentionality and self reflection. Where do you start if you are feeling interested in exploring the idea of foster care for yourself or your family?

It’s May – foster care awareness month.

I hope you’ve been following along as I pull you into this world of ours and show you around.

With any luck, you’re getting pretty interested in this whole foster care thing by now and asking some good questions about what is involved in actually becoming a foster family or as it’s called officially – a resource home.

Becoming a foster parent is a process. Like most good things it requires patience, intentionality and self reflection.

While most people don’t enjoy waiting (myself included), you should know that becoming a foster family will include a lot of waiting time. However, waiting doesn’t mean that nothing is happening! But I’m jumping ahead of myself…

Cue: Do Re Mi – The Sound of Music Soundtrack

“Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start!” – Maria Vonn Trapp

Where do you start if you are feeling interested in exploring the idea of foster care for yourself or your family?

While each individual agency has some autonomy and therefore unique aspects to the process, I’ve put together a bit of a map outlining what’s involved in the process.

  1. Reach Out – Foster care will rarely just fall into your lap, though it does happen at times in unique situations – this is usually called kinship care. Most likely, you will need to make a move and reach out to your local child welfare agency with an expression of your interest in foster care. This could look like picking up the phone to make a phone call or just walking into your local agency building like I did 14 years ago! It’s also very likely that you might try reaching out initially and hear nothing in return. It may take a few attempts to make a connection with someone. Please keep trying! Know that just like many other government agencies or your phone company, it can be hard to make a connection with the right person. Most individuals working in the child welfare agency are overwhelmed with both mental and physical tasks. Offering some grace from the beginning can go a long way in preparing your mind to work cooperatively with the system. A lot of people seem to think they need to be totally convinced that they are ready to commit to becoming a foster family before reaching out. On the contrary, the homestudy (or approval) process, exists so that together you and the agency you are working with can decide whether or not this is what you want and if it is well suited to your lifestyle, family needs, etc. So if you’re waiting to be sure…please know that getting more information is usually helpful in making that decision in a well informed way!
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2. Paperwork – When you reach out to express interest, you’ll likely receive a phone call or email and then be sent a package of paperwork to fill out. This initial package holds more information about the process to becoming an approved foster home, questionnaires to gather personal information as well as some steps to take to get the ball rolling. You’ll need to fill out lots of information about your family, home and finances. There will be questions about how you parent, how you relate to others and what you do for a living. You’ll need to get a physical examination done by your doctor to provide to the agency to ensure you are in sufficiently good health as well as a criminal record check and fingerprints at your local police department. As you work through this initial package, you will probably start to have some doubts and reservations creep in. It’s a lot! It feels invasive and complicated. What is helpful to know is that while this initial information will be retained in your file, all of the questions and information you’re providing will be discussed with a social worker in person as you proceed. This is a great time to pray, do research and have discussions with your partner and children about the questions being asked of you. Think of it as the initial brainstorming session, where you start to get all the questions and “what ifs” and ideas and reservations out into the open where you can identify them. If you run into questions, make a note of them for later or reach out to someone at the agency or a foster parent you know to get clarification. There are no silly questions!

3. Wait – If you haven’t yet, this will likely be the point where you hit a bit of a lull! It can take a few months for all the information you’ve provided to be processed and for your family to be assigned someone at the agency who will walk you through the next phase. Don’t be discouraged if this happens! All the questions and paperwork you’ve just waded through have given you some great food for thought and possibly some clarification on the work you need to do to feel comfortable moving forward.

Here are some ideas of ways to fill your time while you wait:

*Pray – pray consistently and specifically about your foster care journey. Ask for God to open and close the appropriate doors, for your heart to be soft and pliable to His leading and for courage to persevere through challenges. Pray for your family, the agency you are partnering with and for the families they serve. Pray for wisdom, compassion and discernment. If there are specific concerns that have come up, pray about those and seek out advice and wise counsel.

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*Trauma Training – Every child who enters foster care has lived through some type of traumatic situation, if not many. Learning about how trauma impacts child development will help you become better equipped to care for these children and families well. Love is not enough. Our love must be paired with knowledge and practical strategies so that we can offer competent care. Trauma training can be found through in person workshops, online or in books. Some sources I recommend are:

Trauma Free World – there are tons of free online courses available here to get you started!

What Happened to You by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey – if possible listen to the audible version of this book and it will feel like you’re listening to a podcast! Dr. Bruce Perry is one of the leading experts on trauma and its pervasive affects on the development of a person. Oprah adds whimsy, grit and inspiring stories to Dr. Perry’s expertise.

The Connected Parent by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls – This resource is full of both neuroscience (in easy to understand language) and practical stories and strategies. Dr. Purvis is full of wisdom and gentle knowledge for anyone caring for wounded children. Lisa Qualls is an adoptive mom who shares candidly about her family’s journey of highs and lows.

Foster the Family by Jamie Finn – this book is a perfect way to dip your toes into the inside world of foster care. Jamie is a passionate and gospel centered advocate for foster care, reunification and journeying with broken families. You can also find her on social media where she posts regularly about her own family’s journey, trauma informed care practises, encouragement and support for foster parents.

Reframing Foster Care by Jason Johnson – Need a reminder of why you ever started this process or how we as Christians should interact with those in foster care? This resource will give you lots to think and pray about as well as discuss with those around you. You’ll reach the back cover with a solid foundation of your why and the heart of Jesus clearly in view. You won’t want to miss this one. This is also a great resource to hand out to family or friends who may have questions or concerns about your interest in pursuing foster care.

Replanted Conference – If you have time for a weekend away, check out this faith-based, super fun and encouraging conference for foster, kinship and adoptive families, church ministry volunteers and leaders, social workers and anyone else involved in caring for vulnerable children and families. My husband and I go as often as we can! You will worship, have fun, be inspired and celebrated, get practical support, answers to questions as well as have a huge array of workshops to choose from that apply to your current situation. You won’t regret it!

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*Gather Your Village – “It takes a village to raise a child.” This is true both inside and outside of foster care. Stepping into the work of supporting struggling families can be exhausting and discouraging. You are going to need people around you helping you out, reminding you of your “why” and offering you a night off, listening ear or pizza delivery. Talk to the people in your community about what you’re hoping to do and ask how they might be willing to support your family. Do you have someone who is willing to be approved as a respite home or babysitter? Do you have someone who can spend extra time with your biological kids through the intense first few weeks of a new placement? Do you have someone who can give you hand me down clothing, bedding or bikes their kids have outgrown?

There are a million more things you could do during this waiting time, so don’t waste it! If there’s one thing I could change, it would be this. I spent way too much time obsessing over the timeline, being the “squeaky wheel” at my agency and feeling stuck instead of viewing this time as preparation for the season ahead.

4. Building Relationships – Eventually, someone from the agency will get in contact about moving forward in the process toward becoming a foster family. If it’s been a few months and you haven’t heard anything, don’t be afraid to check in and remind them you are still interested! Unfortunately, a lot of people never make it past that initial paperwork package so they may be surprised when you let them know you are still interested in proceeding! At this point, the worker assigned to complete your SAFE homestudy will set up some in person conversations to talk more about the process, your specific questions or needs, reservations you may have, changes that may need to be made to your home or concerns that have come up so far. This can be an intimidating period, as you feel a bit like you are on trial. To be honest, you kind of are! This is good and right. Caring for another’s parent’s child is a huge responsibility and I’m grateful we live in a country where foster and adoptive parents are screened accordingly. However, remember that the agency is also on trial in your mind and this is a great time to start building healthy relationships and communication patterns. Have questions? Ask them! Don’t avoid the sticky spots. Be clear about your expectations, your family values, your beliefs, your daily routines and your finances. This is the point where many Christian foster parents experience disillusionment, discouragement and anxiety. Some agencies are wary of Christian families due to the history of conflict between LGBTQ2+ communities and the church as well as the residential schools and Sixities Scoop era. My advice is simply to do your research, ask questions, be honest about your intentions and trust that the One who is ultimately in control. He will open or close the doors according to His sovereign knowledge and power. Many Christian families in Ontario are being turned away because of their beliefs and practises. Many Christian families in Ontario are also being approved as foster homes. As hard as it is, this piece is probably not going to depend on anything you do or don’t do. Pray, practise humility and wait on the Lord to see what He has in store. If you are turned away, know that this does not close the door on your ability to serve vulnerable children and families! The church will always have a space to serve, if we are willing to show up with compassion and humility. It may not look the way we thought, but there will always be opportunities to care practically for vulnerable children and families in your community.

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5. Training – After or possibly during your SAFE homestudy, you will be required to participate in some training. Hopefully, if you’ve followed my advice from above, this will not be the first training you participate in on some level! In order to be approved as a resource home, adoptive applicant or kinship caregiver in Ontario you must complete P.R.I.D.E. training.

Side Note: (This PRIDE has nothing to do with the LGBTQ2+ community – though an interesting fact to note and be aware of is that there is a significantly higher occurrence of gender confusion amongst youth in foster care than in the general population, so having conversations about how you might navigate having a gender questioning youth in your home is important.)

P.R.I.D.E. stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education. It is offered primarily online and can be completed at your own pace. This training walks you through important information and skill development around caring for children who have experienced trauma. Some of the skills taught include: Protecting and nurturing children, meeting children’s developmental needs, addressing developmental delays, supporting relationships between children and their biological families, connecting children to safe, nurturing relationships, participating as a member of a professional team and reinforcing a child’s heritage and cultural identity.

(Another area to note is that Indigenous communities also represent a much higher number than the average population in the Canadian child welfare system. Lots of work is being done to counteract intergenerational trauma, preserve Indigenous culture and keep Indigenous children within Indigenous communities and homes. This work is marred by significant conflict, political confusion and misunderstandings. It’s worth asking good questions and seeking out accurate information on this topic.)

While P.R.I.D.E. training is beneficial and important, I would highly encourage you to seek out training above and beyond this training. Ask the agency you are working with for training resources they have available and check out the ones I listed above.

6. Waiting – In case you’ve forgotten, I just needed to remind you that there will be lots of waiting involved! Our homestudy approval process lasted about a year and a half from start to finish. This felt like the longest season of my life! In retrospect, I am so thankful for the slow, steady work God was doing in my heart and the hearts of others around me during this time. As difficult as it may be, please be patient and remember to spend this valuable time wisely. Pray, seek out training, talk to others, read, gather your village and enjoy the season you are in as you wait for things to progress.

7. Placement Request – When the agency has a completed SAFE homestudy in their files, you will be officially placed on the list of resource homes! With your preferences in mind, they will call you with placement requests as needed. These requests may fit perfectly into the age group and needs category you expressed or they may be way outside of that range! Remember most agencies across Ontario are desperately short on beds available and social workers are having to take desperate measures like checking into hotel rooms for the night with children they have been unable to place. If the agency asks you to care for a child or youth that you do not feel is an appropriate fit for your skill or comfort level, it’s totally ok to say no! It’s important to be honest, no matter how dire the circumstances. It’s also ok to ask for a few minutes or hours to think, talk to your spouse or process before making a decision. A poor fit between a child and family usually results in difficult disruption and sometimes further harm to the child themselves. If the placement does seem to be a good fit and you say yes, you will then be presented with a plan for the child’s arrival – usually within a few hours unless it’s a request to provide respite care or it’s a planned move from one foster home to another.

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This journey to becoming a foster parent can be filled with anxiety, excitement, overwhelm, conflict and joy. It’s ok to feel all these things and more, and important to pay attention to what information those emotions are giving you.

If becoming a foster parent is not something you are interested in and you still read all the way through this lengthy description, bravo! I hope I have equipped you with some knowledge that will help transform your understanding and create greater empathy for those who pursue this path.

-AF

To: The “Other” Mom on Mother’s Day

This is the post where I admit that this thing is hard.

I see you, mama.

This isn’t the post where I champion biological mothers’ rights and efforts and the story that provides context to their narrative.

I do that sometimes.

This isn’t the post where I remind you how important reunification is in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve written that one, too.

This isn’t the post where I give you ideas to build relationships with biological family members.

All those are so important…but so is this one.

This is the post where I admit that this thing is hard.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one holding that screaming little boy as he rages at the world after yet another missed visit from his first mom. I see the way you whisper into his ear and close your eyes in a desperate attempt to hold in your own fury. How could she do this again? I hear you on the phone an hour later, advocating for the timelines and transition plans and scheduling that your sweet boy needs. I see you when you run into a brick wall over and over again as you try to balance the scales of impact and how you rage into your pillow at night at the injustice of it all.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one climbing into the car for yet another three hour round trip for access…your foster love buckled in alongside your own two littles. I see all the snacks packed, the sippy cups tucked into cupholders, the car games and silly songs and whining toddlers and screaming babies. I see how exhausted you are, and I know why you say no to the volunteer driver. I get it. I see you as she is carried away from you, crying and reaching back over the social worker’s shoulder for you. I know the pain that unfurls in your chest as you try to reassure her and the tears that spill over after she’s gone and all you hear are her screams. I see you waiting in the parking lot and I see when you’re the first face she sees as she rounds the corner…the first arms she flies into, finally feeling safe again.

I see you, mama.

Yes, you…the one who will never get the nice card, the mother’s day post, the thank you. You’re the “other” mom. The one that wasn’t chosen but instead did the choosing – you said yes to a question your child never wanted to ask. I see how you show up again and again and again, and how you make space for the tumultuous grief of your child…even while your own grief threatens to sweep you away. I see how you intentionally post her picture on the wall, help make a card and buy thoughtful gifts for them to give her. I see the way you smile at her and carefully give space, becoming smaller so that she can be larger in the room. I see the way you quietly put your needs second to hers…because you love them and you know this is the part where you start to fade so she can shine.

I see you, mama.

I see the way you tremble in the dark, rubbing her back and whispering reassurances as she relives the horrific, nauseating details. I see the way you lay wide awake for hours, staring into the blackness with black rage and numbness eating away at your insides until you think you might explode. I see the fear that you push down; the fear that you might not be able to go on. I see the anxiety that eats away at you, the hours you spend in courtrooms and police station rooms as she retells her story again and again. The graphic images she paints will change the way you see the world forever, for better or for worse. I see you holding her hand and nodding reassurances and advocating for therapy and teaching her how to breathe through the panic attacks. “Look at me. I’m right here. Tell me something you hear, see, smell, feel.” I see you as you crumble into your own pillow at night, out of earshot and out of sight, finally able to fall apart under the crushing weight of it all. I see you sobbing in a therapy room as you let it all out. A mother’s heart was never made to carry this kind of toxic weight.

I see you, mama. I see the constant battle of your mind – the way you are always fighting for the pure thoughts, the gratitude, the perspective shift…fighting against the intuitive mother inside of you who just wants to protect and nurture and bubble wrap. I see your prayers and the verses you post on your bathroom mirror to keep your heart aligned with the gospel work of this messy, messy ministry you’ve stepped into.

Foster care isn’t always pretty and it doesn’t always bring happy endings. Our prayers don’t always get answered the way we asked for and we often don’t get to see the end of the story. Children we love disappear from our homes and our lives, leaving vacant spaces in our hearts. Parents who have done and said horrible things often hold more power than we do over the trajectory of these tiny ones we try to nurture. Our schedules get overturned, our kindness gets taken advantage of, our insight is ignored or not asked for despite the reality that we may know this child better than anyone else in the world.

These are the moments when we need to realign our hearts with the Commander of this mission; we need to remember our “why” for being here and accept the limited vision and control we have in the situation.

I see you, mama…but more importantly…

HE SEES YOU.

He can be enough, when your enough runs out.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

He can strengthen your exhausted body, soothe your overwhelmed mind, heal your damaged nervous system.

He can take all the pieces of your efforts and bring about wholeness and goodness…without your help.

He is crafting a story for your life and ministry that you cannot begin to fathom.

He is crafting a story for each child’s life who enters your home – undoubtedly in ways you rail against in frantic fear – but I promise you He’s got it.

-AF

10 Things to Know Before Becoming a Foster Parent

May 5
There are a few important things to know before you consider becoming a foster parent.

  1. This is not about you.  Foster care is about bringing your family to a child and their family, for a season that is not determined by your own desires or even your ability to provide for this child.  Your wishes will not always be granted.  Your advice will not always be followed.  Your opinion will not always be asked.  Your feelings, your family, your schedule and your time will not always be considered.  Entering this world means that you are agreeing to put this child’s needs above your own and that you are committing to working alongside a government agency that will ultimately have control over this child’s life. Sometimes it will feel like they control your life as well. 
  2. Foster care usually does not end in adoption.  While children will sometimes need a new permanent family to care for them, that is the result of much more than just a child being placed in foster care.  If you are committing to foster care, it’s important to realize that this will most likely end in you saying goodbye to a child you deeply love and care for.  The goal is for biological parents to receive the support they need to raise their children.  As foster parents you need to be ready to focus your energy and support in that direction, not in building your family.  I still have to preach this to myself every single time a child enters my home and leaves my home. It is so hard to see past the complicated aspects of each situation to the broader picture. As a society we need to be focused on equipping parents to parent, not on removing children from their families and placing them in new ones. Adoption brings it’s own unique challenges. There will never be enough adoptive homes for all the children living in vulnerable situations, but if we can equip parents to parent intuitively and responsibly we are starting to heal the huge tear in the walls of the family structure.     
  3. It will hurt.  Saying goodbye will hurt.  Playing the part of the parent who stands in the gap will feel uncomfortable.  Watching a child go through painful transitions will leave you feeling helpless.  Hearing your child’s story will make you feel anger, pain and fear like you’ve never felt before.  Loving another parent’s child will hurt.  What you will quickly discover, however, is that your hurt quickly pales in comparison to the hurt experienced by your foster child and their biological family.  Their hurt will become your motivation to love, protect, honor and keep doing the next thing.
  4. Trauma matters.  Children who enter your home through foster care have always experienced trauma of some kind and will need to be parented differently as a result of this.  You need to understand how trauma, even prenatal trauma,  impacts a child’s neurological, physical, emotional and spiritual health.  This is crucial.  It cannot be a side thing.  This knowledge of trauma must be the foundation of your parenting philosophy with these children.  So do the research, find the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly.
  5. It will take time to feel like you love them.  Sure, you may get that adrenaline rush of love and protection and passion when they first enter your arms, your home, your heart.  But it will quickly be followed by a feeling of fear and dismay and ‘what have I done?’  This child will be a stranger to you for the first while, and that is okay.  You will feel like a babysitter before you feel like a parent.  Then one day you will wake up and realize you would die for this child and that you cannot remember what it was like without them in your life.  Don’t beat yourself up when you struggle to attach. They are dealing with the same challenge. Remember that and let it lead you toward compassionate responses.
  6. Know why you’re here.  Some people will love you and others will hate you for being involved in this system.  The opinions will come, often when you least expect and from those you did not ask.  They will have stories, warnings, accolades and flattery to offer you.  Learn to let them all slide off your back; both the love and the hate.  You know you’re not a hero and you know you’re not a villain.  The admiration of those looking in or the hate of those scarred by it are all irrelevant when it comes to you and your story.  You have made this decision based on many factors and their opinions are not one of them.  Know why you are in this and remind yourself of it often.
  7. You will never really be ready.  You won’t ever really be prepared to bring a stranger into your home or have a social worker tell you how to parent.  You will never really be ready to meet your child’s biological parent and calmly face their anger and hurt.  You will never really be ready to have your home, your family, your life and your past dissected by someone you hardly know to try to gain ‘approval’ from a system you barely understand and definitely don’t trust.  You will never really be ready to be spit on, kicked, screamed at and falsely accused.  You will never really be ready to hear the hard parts of their stories or find the words to explain heartbreak, abandonment, shame and abuse.  You will never really be ready to say goodbye to a child you have loved and fought for and protected.  Please don’t wait to be ready, and don’t be surprised when every last thing about foster care leaves you feeling like the breath just got snatched from your lungs.  Believe it or not, this is normal. 
  8. You don’t have to ride the roller coaster.  There will be highs and lows, promises and demands, fears and failures.  These emotions, words and desires can send you spiraling through loops, soaring on hope and crashing in despair.  Know that you do not have to take that ride!  You can be wise, discerning and prayerful.  You can hold your heart close and your words in check.  You can take one day at a time and refuse to make promises you can’t keep.  This is not being cynical, this is guarding your heart in the best of ways.  Loving a child in foster care well requires a deep commitment to truth and a resolve to take only the step right in front of you.  It is so tempting to run ahead, join the blame and shame game or throw your hands up in frustration.  Stay the course, be loyally in the present and keep your heart safely moored to the One who can steady you.
  9. You will need support.  This might be your church family, your parents, your neighbours or your life group.  It might be therapists, teachers or doctors.  It doesn’t really matter who it is, it just matters that you have them.  People who see you and love both you and the children you bring into your home, unconditionally.  People who will babysit, listen to your frustrations and fears, encourage you to keep going and point out the flaws in your perspective.  People who will tell you when to take a break and support you when you say yes anyway.  You are going to need people you can share the hard stuff with and know that it’s not going any further than their ears.  When the stories are hard, the day was long and the court dates are looming…you need someone to call.  Find your people.  Not only will you need them, but the children you bring into your home will be richly blessed by having a community around them.        
  10. There will be easy days. I know, after all that I just said this feels a little odd and unexpected. But it’s true. There will be days you forget that child is not your biological child or that they will one day leave your home. There will be days when the routines feel seamless and the love comes easy and it feels like a match made in heaven. There will be days they are regulated and calm and you can parent them the way you would parent a biological child. There will be days you look down and feel a love so deep it overwhelms you. There will be days that feel normal and predictable. These might be common or they might be that one in a million feeling, depending on the child and the circumstances. But they will come, I promise.          

Are you ready to say yes to this adventure of love and loss and grace? I would love to walk alongside you. Send me a message or email. It is hard but so worth it!

~AF