Our Beautiful, Diverse Family

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the different spiritual gifts and talents possessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ.

About valuing other people’s passions.

About seeing truth in another’s experience and validating that, even if I don’t understand it.

About having confidence in other people’s spiritual lives…choosing to lay aside my own perspective of situations and dwelling on the characteristics of that person that I know to be true, noble and lovely.

About letting my own experience, not another’s, influence my relationships.

I know that true love is not blind.

I know that trusting does not mean ignoring our bent toward sinfulness as humans.

I know that love and truth are sometimes painful.

But still…

What if I just chose to be less cynical?

What if I were humble enough to realize there is much I don’t yet understand; much I have never experienced.

What if I were willing to listen and speak honestly, and to say “I don’t know,” sometimes?

What if I chose to only allow thoughts inside my mind that I could in good conscience voice aloud to the ones they include?

How much less would I struggle with anger, bitterness and insecurity?

I am a firm believer that God does not have the same spiritual journey laid out in the same sequential order for each and every one of His children.  We do not all learn the same lessons.  We do not all learn them in the same way.  We do not all learn them in the same timing.  Our differing experiences both past and present play a large role in shaping where God takes us and how He chooses to take us there.  We do not all share the same sins…or as we prefer to call them…weaknesses.  I struggle with pride and anger.  You struggle with envy and cynicism.  I fight daily against immorality and lust.  You battle dishonesty and materialism.  In God’s eyes…our sins are not on the levels we’ve conjured up here on earth.  My lies are as black as your murder.  My pornography and your overindulgence are equally in need of repentence, cleansing and forgiveness.

Some of us have walked some very dark and lonely paths, with memories and experiences others don’t like to see held to the glaring light. They are much too hard to explain.  We feel alone in the chaotic aftermath of realities such as sexual abuse, betrayed marriages, homosexuality, mental illness or addictions.  It is uncomfortable for others to see our questions.  It is unnerving to face the truth of our existence and have nowhere to run or hide.  It is frightening to have to face the fact that as Christians, we are not spared from Satan’s destructive work and that indeed…innocents suffer at the hands of the sinful.  That God works in ways that seem very wrong at first glance.  It is hard for us to trust, and just surviving each day is a minefield experience.  Our faith is so fragile we can almost see it beginning to whither and die at the first sense of a breeze.

Some of us have spent much time in the light.  We’ve been sheltered and protected from the darker side of our adversary, but he comes to us in the form of an angel.  Subtle.  Soft.  Seductive.  Deadly.  We are fearfully self righteous and staunch in our convictions.  We see it all in black and white, while we cover our sins with masks of a thousand layers and colours.  We are so far from authenticity that even we cannot see past the first three layers.  It is so easy to look down one day and find, to our dismay, that our hands are caked with mud.  We are devastated at the maze we find ourselves in.  Clothed in all the right armour, we find we have no idea how to use it!  It is such a cruel awakening to fall into the reality of our own sinful existence.  Materialism, greed, anger, pride, selfishness.

Obviously, these are both very bleak pictures…and I have no intention of even attempting to cover all the bases.  Please do not read these as labels or as reprimands.  They are simply meant to illustrate how vastly different we can be, in this diverse family of ours.  It is beautifully colourful, yet frustratingly complex.  Our own experiences and perspectives are so large.  It is very hard to see through another’s eyes…especially when we cannot even comprehend what it might feel like to be in their shoes.

Some of us thrive on ministering outside of the church walls; reaching out to the lost and pouring out our time and resources for the ones we love who are outside the fold.  We see daily the intensity of the needs around us, and ache with the weight of their burdens.  We are intuitive, passionate, creative and motivated.  Some days we feel all alone and wonder why others seem not to notice or care that the harvest is so great and the workers are so few.  Our lives are filled with people of many shapes and colours.  They are children in our arms with skinned knees and broken hearts.  They are bruised and dark eyed women on the other side of our smiles.  Our houses are filled with sounds and smells not our own.  Our grocery money disappears and we can’t quite remember whom it fed.  This is a rich and blessed existence.

Others of us are focused on being the hands and feet of Christ to our brothers and sisters inside the body we love.  We are keenly sensitive to the glint of a tear, the stooped shoulders and the tight budget.  We have been so blessed by the family we love, and we pour out our energy to bless in return.  We are arms holding the grieving and letting their sobs become our own.  We are eager, smiling hands to the weary Mommy of 4.  We are the card, the email, the phone call…just because we can and we care.  We are the diligent, faithful Sunday School teacher…willing to say yes the third year in a row.  We are zealous in God’s Word and marvelling at the awesomeness of His presence.  We are consistently present and available to maintain and strengthen the Kingdom of God.

So tell me…which is more important?

Which is most needed?

I think we all know that we need this diversity.  We need this differing of gifts and experiences.  We need each other!  But the resulting reality of these differences is confusing.  It is misunderstanding, conflict and pain.  It is a crazy cycle of hurt, disappointment, disrespect and resentment.

Why? 

Is it really so hard to extend grace to each other?

Is it really so hard to understand that we are meant to be this way?  Meant to be different?  Meant to serve in different ways?  Meant to experience our Saviour’s love and grace in different ways?  Meant to be healed, restored and sanctified in varying methods planned carefully by our Creator.

I don’t know.

I don’t know why we insist on chasing others down our own spiritual pathway, determined to see them understand what God has taught us long ago, while ignoring the progress of their own journey.  I don’t understand what makes us so arrogantly sure that we are right, that we see things from our Father’s perspective…therefore concluding that the other person does not.  I don’t know how we can claim love and yet lack any confidence when differences arise that God can and will do His work in others’ hearts…very likely in a much different way than I would plan and very often without my assistance.

I am not talking about issues that are clearly laid out in scripture…but please be careful what you say is clearly laid out in scripture!  There may be more gray areas than you’ve thought.  I challenge you to constantly question…is this an issue that makes a difference in salvation?  And be ok with admitting that sometimes we don’t know and we need the Holy Spirit to guide us.

I know as I write this that this is a hard issue.

I know, but I don’t understand.

I am unwilling to believe we cannot be better than this as God’s people.

We have been offered so much grace.

Please insert here that I am the chief of sinners! 

I criticize.

I analyze.

I hurt, I cut, I kick down and destroy.

I am ashamed of the ways I have spoken and the thoughts that I have entertained.

I am proud, self righteous and selfish.

But I want to do better.  I need to be more than this!

I want to fully understand that Jesus came to me before I was all cleaned up and continues to come to me in my dirty, repulsive state so that I can understand that my fellow soldiers are experiencing the same daily surrender.  It is not my job to clean them up!  It is not my job to point out all that has not been done yet…lest Jesus Christ would reject me for all the lessons I have not yet learned!  What a stench I still am to my perfect Saviour!  Yet He loves me, He chooses to use me in His kingdom and He gently leads me along on the path He’s planned.  I can walk with them on the journey, and dare to enter into their struggles.  I can be honest about my own state of wretchedness.  I can bring them to Jesus and bring them to Truth, but I cannot be their Holy Spirit.

Sometimes it will hurt, and it will mean leaving myself vulnerable so that I can understand their pain.  It will mean ferociously tearing down the walls guarding my heart, despite Satan’s screaming, to open myself to pure, honest relationships.  Am I willing to do this?

I don’t know.

But I know that I am tired of pretending to be perfect.

I know I am tired of holding inside the words I know are true, honest, pure…tired of refraining from fighting for what is right, though others may misunderstand.

I am tired of having my defenses so high I cannot simply rejoice with those that rejoice and grieve with those that grieve.

I am tired of feeling like I need to figure it all out, when it’s obvious it’s beyond what I can possibly understand.

I am tired of teaching my little ones to share, to be kind, to be gentle…while I devastate, cut down and drown others in doubt.

What happened to doing to others as I would have them do to me?

What happened to seeing the best in people?

What happened to saying I’m sorry?

It sure gets harder as you get older, doesn’t it?  Or maybe it’s just that we’ve forgotten that it’s just that SIMPLE.

Smiling.

Forgiving.

Talking nicely.

Apologizing.

Sharing.

Maybe they’re right after all…everything you really need to know you learn in Kindergarten 🙂

I’m sorry if this post ruffles your spirit.  It kind of does mine, too.  Admittedly I am frustrated often, which really makes me so ill equipped to even speak to this issue.  And who knows…I may be way off, right?  There’s a lot I don’t know.  There’s a lot I’ve never experienced.

One thing I am thankful for is that God never changes, and His Word is powerful.  He holds all the answers to all my questions, and with His Presence and power in my heart I CAN make daily, wise choices to be like Him every single day.

AF

 

 

 

 

 

Adoption Update

Hi everyone 🙂

So I thought maybe I should give a quick update on how things are going with our adoption.

No, that’s not true.

The truth is I AM JUST SO EXCITED I WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD!!! 🙂

We just had our very first weekend with the girls here at our house and…

it

was

AWESOME!

All four of us have been waiting and waiting and waiting for this.  Our first sleepover.

For Kirby and I it was amazing to have our daughters here in our home with us for three whole days, where we got to be their parents for more than a few hours.

For the girls it was so exciting to be able to play together all weekend in their new backyard, sleep in their new beds, and bring a truckload of toys to their new home…because obviously we don’t have near enough of those!  :/  Overall the weekend went way better than we expected!  The girls were very comfortable and happy most of the time, thanks to all the groundwork that’s been done before this.  We are now familiar people they love, and they’re used to spending weekends in strangers’ houses so this was not totally new.  They also paid a visit a few weeks ago to their new home so they could visualize where they were coming.  We did lots of fun stuff, but also had lots of down time just relaxing and being a family 🙂

I won’t go into every little detail, but I’ll give you some of the highlights.

1) Bedtime.  If you’re a Mommy you will get this.  To be able to do bedtime with our daughters for the very first time was such a gift.  Baths, brushing teeth, reading stories, saying prayers (which are totally new for my kiddos, but they love it), giving hugs and kisses and backrubs…the whole deal is just one of my favourite parts of having children in our home, so I was looking forward to this in a BIG way.  Being in a new place is a bit scary for most kids at bedtime, so they needed some extra loving to settle down and sleep, but that was no problem for us 🙂  Once their restless little bodies were finally relaxed and breathing deeply I just stared at them and felt incredible awe.  Why God has chosen to place in my amateur hands such precious little lives I will never know, but I am honoured and humbled beyond words.

2) On Friday when the girls arrived Kirby was still at work, so they were waiting anxiously for him to get home all afternoon.  I kept hearing, “When will Daddy be home?!”  I’m pretty sure I got a gigantically goofy grin on my face every single time I heard those words 🙂  When he finally did pull into the driveway it was…”DADDY!  DADDY!  DADDY!” and two little girls flying out the door to jump on him and fight for hugs and kisses, just because I am married to the most amazing Daddy on the planet and every single child who enters our home absolutely adores him 🙂  This whole driveway episode is totally normal around here, and it is always one of my favourite parts of the day.

3) We were incredibly blessed to have Kirby’s aunt and uncle give the girls money to buy new bikes and helmets as their homecoming gift!  Thank you Dave & Sheri Shantz! 🙂  So on Saturday we went to Canadian Tire and let Akeisha and Alexa pick out their very own bikes and helmets.  They were thrilled.  We went for a bike ride as soon as we left the store!  🙂  Alexa is only 5 and still learning to ride, so her little legs got tired pretty quickly, but Akeisha is confident and fast on her bike, so after Alexa and I were done she and Daddy went out on another long ride.  I’m thinking we will be using those bikes a lot this summer!  We have a beautiful trail that runs down along the bay that is wide, gravel and perfect for biking as long as you can do some little hills 🙂  It’s one of my favourite places to walk, and it also goes by our favourite park so that’s a bonus!

4) Even though neither of our daughters have had much exposure to the gospel or the idea of God, they are totally intrigued with the idea and love for us to sing and talk about God with them.  We have had good little discussions about heaven, God living inside our hearts, God as a spirit, and God creating the whole world.  Alexa will sometimes ask me, “Will you talk to us about God?”  We are in awe and praising God for the curiosity we see in them regarding spiritual things.  They are like sponges, ready to soak up all we tell them.  We are doing our best to pour the heart and soul of the gospel into them at every opportunity.  This is why we are here!!!!  I feel so refreshed and excited seeing the wonder and curiosity of a child hearing about the things I have taken for granted so much of my life.  In His name there is power!  I am confident that as the girls simply enter our home and lives they will be enfolded in the power, love and security we have in Jesus Christ.  What an incredible blessing!  All the things I have to give to my daughters are nothing compared to THAT glorious truth!

We also had a campfire, went to the park, went for walks and played outside in the beautiful sunshine!

So there’s my little recap of our first weekend as a family of 4!  We are enjoying the ride so far, but know there are many hurdles to come.  Please continue to pray for us and our daughters as we begin this new phase of our lives together.  To those of you who are rejoicing and praying alongside us…your support and confidence mean more to us than you’ll ever know!  Thank you for being willing to believe with us that with God, all things are possible!

AF

Ps. This is Akeisha and Alexa’s favourite song for me to sing right now:

THE BUTTERFLY SONG
(If I Were a Butterfly)
Words and Music by Brian M. Howard
If I were a butterfly
I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings
If I were a robin in a tree
I’d thank you Lord that I could sing
If I were a fish in the sea
I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me, meCHORUS

Because you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were an elephant
I’d thank you Lord by raising my trunk
If I were a kangaroo
You know I’d hop right up to you
If I were an octopus
I’d thank you Lord for my good looks
But I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were a wiggly worm
I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear
I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile
I’d thank you Lord for my great smile
But I just thank you Father for
making me, me

Plan A Adoption

I have been trying to post this blog for weeks now, but I was having so much trouble trying to get it just right.

Trying to say it just the right way.

Because it matters SO much to me!

But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sum up everything stored in my heart about this issue, so I finally gave up and decided to just post it as it is.  Please forgive the errors or the places where I stumble all over someone’s toes.  I really don’t mean to!  Here goes nothing!

***

Despite my HUGE skepticism of ‘telling our story’, I do want to share with you a bit about how we ended up where we are in the world of adoption and foster care.  It’s been an adventure of faith and God has done incredible things for us along the way.  My husband and I are both passionate about adoption and foster care since it has played such a huge role in our lives and hearts, but ultimately it is a passion that has grown and matured over time through God’s Voice speaking to us through His Word, other people and lots of reading material 🙂

Just so we’re honest and have everything ‘on the table’, even though I love talking about adoption and foster care, I also dread these conversations.

Here’s why:

1) When you talk about adoption or foster care being apart of your family, many people get that look in their eyes where they mentally dissociate and go…”Wow, that’s not for me.”  Or they might say things like:

“That is so amazing!  That’s a very special calling.”  (I’m not that special, people.  I’m actually pretty normal and most of the kids out there waiting for homes aren’t waiting for special.  They’re waiting for something pretty normal.)

Or maybe, “So can’t you have kids of your own?”

And then there are the people that take a step back and say things like…

“CAS?  Yeah…I used to work for them.  Never again!  Did you hear about that girl in foster care who killed a little kid?  It was all over the news!”  (True story.  I stood there speechless at the sarcasm and malice laced in her tone.  Really?!  There are still people around who say things like this out loud?  Thank goodness I didn’t have any of my kids with me!  How do you respond to that well?)

2) I have no interest in my family…especially my kids…being the next big ‘news’ topic.  For us, this is not news.  This is our life.  It is important to me that my children’s story is treated with respect.  This means I do not like to share details about my children’s past, their family dysfunctions, or their personal difficulties…just as you don’t discuss your children’s painful, difficult moments with others.  This goes for adoptive and foster children.  It is not important that everyone know exactly how and why our children have come to us.  Sometimes people may need to know these or other details, but most of the time it is simply curiosity.  If caught between protecting and affirming my child or satisfying someone’s curiosity, my child will win every time!  I am hoping to learn to do that gracefully without offending others, but please help us by not asking inappropriate questions.

3) Pride.  Yes, pride.  It can make me feel good to tell you my story.  It can make me forget that it’s really not my story at all.  It can tempt me to take credit for decisions and events that were not orchestrated by me, but by my Heavenly Father.  He has planted all the love, all the joy and all the inspiration.  This is His work, not mine.  Every time I tell our story…I want to make sure that you go away knowing it is really God’s story.  It is Him alone that deserves any honour or glory that may come.  It is Him who will take care of all the questions and fears others may bring.  I don’t need to have all the answers because it’s about obedience, trust, and choosing to believe His voice above all else.

So many times I find myself standing there wondering how in the world I am supposed to respond or explain that I am not in this thing because I’m a saint.

I am not in this thing because I think all these kids are cute and cuddly and it gives me warm fuzzies.  (They’re not and it doesn’t…though we get a few of those moments, too.)

I am not in this thing because it’s easy.

I am not in this thing because my husband and I couldn’t have children biologically.

I am not in this thing because of ME!

Now, I understand that many people’s comments are not meant to be invasive or insensitive…and I need to work on extending as much grace as I expect when I fumble my way through a conversation about something I know nothing about!  Working on that.  However, it does give you a bit of a lonely, sick sort of feeling in your stomach when you walk away from a conversation and realize you completely failed to convey the passion, reality and importance of the topic you care about so deeply!  In our world, it is not just a conversation about a social issue.  It is personal.  We have faces and names that will be engraved on our hearts forever.  So please forgive us when we over react or respond negatively to an innocent question or comment.

So….

With all that between us, let me share our story 🙂

For us, adoption was always Plan A.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years.  As far as we know, we are able to have children biologically, and may or may not add to our family naturally in the future.  That is not our decision, but God’s.  Giving Him control of our dreams and desires surrounding our family is at the core of this journey, and an ongoing act of surrender.

I have been interested in foster care and adoption for as long as I can remember.  Being the passionate, idealistic dreamer that I am, the social issues of child abuse, neglect, poverty and addictions quickly captured my attention.  I also had people in my life whom I was able to observe who were foster and adoptive families, and from a very young age I decided that was what I wanted to do.  At this point my tender heart was simply yearning to swoop in and rescue these innocents, playing the grand heroin of the story.  It felt like a noble adventure.  One where happily ever after came quickly and everything was painted black and white through my naïve lens.

As I matured and learned more about the realities and challenges surrounding foster care and adoption, I realized it was not quite as simple as I had first thought.  I did, however, still feel very strongly that this was something I wanted to do.  In the next years I had experiences in my life that grew this passion with leaps and bounds.  Looking back, I can say confidently they were planned by my Heavenly Father, nudging me forward toward His goal.  I began a relationship with my husband, fell in love with many children and starting seeing the hoops I would need to jump through in order to reach my dream of fostering and adopting.  Thankfully, alongside the growing realization of the challenges, misconceptions and fears that were thrown at me from every angle came the steady, consistent, assuring Voice of God.

Kirby and I started talking about adoption and foster care about a month or two into our relationship.  At that point he had really never considered it at all, but was more than willing to listen patiently and open his heart to the possibility.  It is funny to think about this time because looking back I vaguely recall his hesitations and questions, but if you spoke to him now you would quickly realize he is a strong, passionate advocate for adoption and foster care.  I can hardly remember when it was just me, spouting out my feelings and passions and sobbing with the weight of my one big question.  If I didn’t do this…if God didn’t call me…who would go?  What would I do with the gigantic burden that pressed on my heart if God said no?  I knew God didn’t need ME…but I also didn’t see many people stepping up to the plate.  When I tried to talk to people about how I felt, I heard questions.  I heard fears.  I heard…it’s hard.  But I didn’t hear a lot of people saying…YES!  This is right!  This is good!  This is God’s heart!  I will go.

Despite what many people may think, the Bible is full of confirmations that God is interested in adoption and foster care.  God loves children, wants us to protect and care for orphans, and is very interested in us going the extra mile to serve others.  These are some passages that became very special to me as Kirby and I began wading through the hard questions about adoption and foster care.  I am amazed how already in the Old Testament, when God was primarily focused on His chosen people, Israel, He commanded them to love and care for those who were outside the protection of His family.

“A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.  God setteth the solitary in families.” Psalm 68:5-6

“Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.” Deuteronomy 15:11

“For the Lord your God is God of gods, and Lord lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward: he doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment.  Love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.” Deuteronomy 10:17-19

“You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere mortals will never again strike terror.” Psalm 10: 17-18

“Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” Psalm 82:3-4

 

Journeying into the gospels and seeing how Jesus treated children, we see a love so deep and tender.  I love the picture of Jesus’ physical body holding, smiling and loving the children who were brought to Him.  In a time and society where children were not valued as we are accustomed to today, it must have spoken powerfully to these little ones to be treated with such gentleness and joy.

“And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.” Matthew 18:5

“And they brought young children to Him, that He should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.  But when Jesus saw it, He was much displeased, and said unto them, Let the little children come to me, and forbid them not; for of such is the kingdom of God…and He took them up in His arms, put His hands upon them, and blessed them.” Mark 10:13-16

 

Jesus also taught radical love for others and that has been the driving force behind our decision to pursue adoption and foster care.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.” James 1:27

“For this is the message we have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another…But whoso hath this world’s goods, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion, how dwelleth the love of God in him?  My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3: 11, 17

“Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry, and you gave me meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink: I was a stranger, and you took me in: naked, and you clothed me…Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” Matthew 25: 34-40

“But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, and went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own donkey, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him…Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do likewise.” Luke 10:23-37

 

And last of all…each one of us who has been born again into the family of God has been adopted!  We, out of nothing we have done, have received a loving Father who has chosen to extend his grace to us and redeem us from the loneliness and darkness of sin.  He did not decide it was too hard, despite the fact that we would reject Him.  He did not decide it was too painful, even though He experienced very real, undeniable pain!  He did not decide we were not worth it, despite our sinfulness and utter desolation.  No.  He chose to love us, bring us into his family, and make us His children.  Ultimately, that is the picture we are duplicating as we bring children into the shelter, love and protection of our families through adoption and foster care.

“But when the fullness of time was come, God sent forth his son, made of a woman, made under the law, to redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons.” Galatians 4:4

 

In the earliest days, the primary hurdles were spiritual and emotional.  We needed to hear God’s Voice affirming we were on the right track.  We needed to sense His presence there beside us and know that He would complete the work He was beginning in our hearts.  We needed to get our families on board and know that we had their support, which sent them on their own journeys to discover God’s will.  This took a lot of time and prayer, and was not always easy.  There were days we felt very alone.  There were days we felt confused and frightened.  There were days we wanted to race ahead of God’s timing.  There were big questions to grapple.  Sometimes God gave us answers to those questions, and sometimes He simply urged us to obey Him and trust Him.  We still don’t have all the answers to those questions, but we are confident when the time comes…if the time comes…God will be faithful to provide us with the strength and grace we need.  In the middle of these struggles there were many hard, honest conversations.  Though at the time I felt they pulled me down, I know that they were also a part of God’s plan.  The feelings of loneliness, the fears, the hurt…drove me to God’s Word where over and over again I found affirmation and the strength to keep moving forward.  He was there.

We…correction I…did a lot of reading during this time. 🙂  We wanted to know all our options.  I have a great resource called The Christian Family’s Guide to Adoption that helped get us started.  It’s a great tool to educate yourself on the three main adoption options (public, international or domestic), the pros and cons to each and the steps needed to proceed.  It’s an American resource, so a few things are different here in Canada, but it’s a great general outline of the process.  It also dispels a lot of the myths people have about adoption.  I also read every adoption/foster care story I could get my hands on, dug into resources tackling the challenges of adoption/fostering and bumped into just the right people at just the right times.  It was amazing the way God provided me with conversations, radio broadcasts (Focus on the Family), Bible verses and books to answer the questions I faced just when I needed them.

The next step was the physical part of moving forward.  We were aware right from the beginning that in order to become adoptive or foster parents we would need to have been married for at least 2 years.  However, we were anxious to move ahead and wanted to at least ‘get our foot in the door.’  So we’d only been married about 6 months the first time we knocked on the door of our local Children’s Aid Society and explained our intentions.  We met a woman that day who would play a huge role in our lives for the next few years, though we didn’t know it at that time!  She explained to us the process (most of which we were aware of) and told us to be in contact again once we had reached that 2 year mark.  She also told us that day that our local society did not currently have the foster-to-adopt program we were familiar with other people doing.  At this point we were mainly focused on adoption, not foster care, and had kind of decided that would be a nice in between way to approach things.  However, we were told at this point that would not be an option.  We could either do just adoption, where we would need to wait to be matched with a child and then proceed, which could take years…or we could become foster parents while we waited to be matched with a child for adoption.  Well…that was easy.  Wait with nothing to do, or wait with kids in our home?  No problem! 🙂

After that little meeting we were back to the waiting game for another 1.5 years.  During this time I did lots more reading, completed my teaching position at a local private school, started a home daycare and spent heaps of time with kids of all ages and needs.  God blessed us with some very special little kids in this time that helped shape our hearts for the challenges we would be faced with down the road.  We realized we could love special needs kids, and that my passion and idealism made me a great advocator for their needs.  We got lots of practise dealing with behaviours, the 24/7 reality of parenthood and exposing kids to the gospel.  We realized what it meant to pour out our hearts and lives for families and children who were not our own.  We realized what it meant to offer grace, both to the kids we loved and their parents.  We realized what it felt like to fail miserably.

We needed that time.

It strengthened our resolve, humbled our pride and braced us for reality.

We were, in the end, able to start our home study process before we reached the 2 years of marriage mark.  Four months before our second anniversary we officially began.  A home study is an assessment of your home and family to consider whether or not you are capable of caring for children from hard places.  It involves some paper work, a training course called PRIDE, interviews in and out of your home and some anxiety.  It’s nerve wracking having someone analyze every part of your life, but it is also good to have to wade through all the parts that have made you who you are.  Despite what we like to believe, we bring all our baggage into every relationship we enter, including those with kids.  Luckily we had a really wonderful woman completing our home study who was gentle, a great listener and easy to talk to.

Our home study took FOREVER!

Ok, not forever.  But a long time.  WAY TOO LONG for this girl!  I do not wait well.  I tried to wait well, I really did, because I just knew that God was trying to teach me to wait, and I just wanted this to be over so I really, really, really tried hard to succeed with this waiting thing.  Sigh.  In the end it took ten months.  It was a long summer!

By the time November rolled around, I was pretty dejected.  We had started in January.  I was so anxious to start this thing!  We were doing NOTHING and I knew there were so many kids out there who needed homes!  I still really have no idea what took so long, but I began praying that we would get our first foster care placement before Christmas.  Like serious praying.  Begging, in other words.  My sister even prayed it too…because I have an awesome sister who, by the way, had to listen to every little bit of this journey from start to end a thousand times over and still loves me! 🙂  XOXO Amberley, I love you!!!!  Thanks for being the other half of my heart.  It is such a relief not to have to explain things sometimes.  🙂

So anyway, a few weeks into November, before our foster care home study was officially approved…we got that call.  “Would you take a 5 week old baby?”

WOULD I TAKE A BABY?!?

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?

WOULD I TAKE A BABY!?!?

I literally called Kirby at work sobbing and laughing at the same time.  I couldn’t believe we were finally there.

Thus, our foster care adventure began!  Christmas of 2012 we spent on cloud 9, adoring our Christmas miracle baby.  We brought him home from the hospital, where he had spent the first 5 weeks of his life due to prenatal drug exposure.  We loved that little one with every ounce we could muster.  That first tiny little baby stole our hearts and absolutely took our breath away.  I totally forgot to brace myself for the letting go…which happened 6 weeks later and totally crushed me.  I will never forget that pain.

But still…we knew.

This was what we were called to do.

This was worth it.

See, that little boy deserved to be adored just like that for those 6 weeks, no matter how painful it was to let him go…and amazingly enough, the pain does go away.  It dulls and it fades a bit…and the joy is the memory that stays vivid.

During the next year and a half, we fostered 8 different children, most of those short term or relief placements.  Some of them only stayed for a weekend before they moved on, but each of them were valuable little souls we feel honoured to have loved, if only for a day.

We had two little boys, ages 2 and 4, who stayed with us for 10 months of that time.  They changed our lives.  I still get an ache in my chest thinking of them.  It’s been five months since they left and I can still feel the weight of their bodies in my arms, see their smiles and hear their voices in my house.

I miss them.

One of those 8 children sent us on a journey we didn’t know we could survive.  We spent 2.5 weeks at Sick Kids with him, watching him struggle to survive and recuperate from a complicated heart surgery.  Another child carried us into the world of Autism, and I am officially a wizard with PECS!  🙂  (Seriously…if you know anything about PECS call me up because I am just in love with those things!  Me and speech therapy are like two peas in a pod!)  We had a newborn, we had a 9 year old.  We learned more than I could ever sum up in a few sentences from those 8 children, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I wouldn’t trade a second.

It also helped us get a clearer…or maybe more hazy…picture in our minds of the kind of child we felt we could parent.  It’s important to realize that just because every child needs a family, doesn’t mean you are qualified to be that family!  But it’s also important to realize that just because a child has some challenges that may look huge to you, does not mean God is not calling you to see them through His eyes.

Every child is valuable.

Every child deserves a family.

As Christians, we should be the ones willing to sacrifice our own comfort and idea of perfection.

Maybe my kids won’t be the cutest,

or the smartest,

or the most athletic,

or socially ‘successful’ in other people’s eyes.

In fact,

they might spend every day of their lives just struggling to get that C-.

They might fight against the long term consequences of their biological parents’ choices for the rest of their lives, even to the point of needing my assistance to live independently as a 30 or 40 year old.

They might be social misfits.

They might have behaviours that make them hard to love.

But they are valuable and they are lovable.

So if all you care about is a perfect family picture, straight A report cards and children everyone else will understand and love…adoption maybe isn’t for you.  But you know what?  I am idealistic and optimistic enough to believe that there are many more people out there who are willing to sacrifice those things to be Jesus’ hands and feet for these kids!  I think there are more people who will be able to lay aside their selfish pursuits to make a difference in the life of a child and the Kingdom of Heaven.

In January of 2013 we were officially approved for adoption, but were knee deep in foster care.  This brought some challenges.  We loved fostering, but we also were anxious to find the children who would be ours forever.  I don’t even know how to explain how God lead us through the next year.  We continued to foster, saying yes one child at a time.  We also began attending the Adoption Counsel of Ontario Education Day and the Adoption Resource Exchange in Toronto.  We were searching for our forever children, even though we knew we couldn’t do both foster care and adoption at the same time.

The A.R.E. is held twice a year (once in the Spring and once in the Fall) in Toronto at the Metro Convention Centre.  This is an event open to the public, and I would encourage anyone to attend!  Many, many agencies throughout Ontario attend this event, each bringing profiles of children within their region they have not been able to find homes for locally.  Many of these children need to be placed out of their local area for safety reasons, are part of a sibling group, or have medical or emotional needs making it difficult to place them.  These children are all considered special needs, but that could mean they are siblings, above the age of 5, have had trauma in their past or have allergies.

These kids are not unlovable!

If you are a family with an approved adoption home study, you can fill out expression of interest forms for any children you would like to learn more about.  Anyone can also talk to the adoption workers presenting the children’s profiles and learn more about them and what the process would look like to adopt them.  EVERY SINGLE CHILD presented at the A.R.E. is legally free for adoption and waiting for a forever family.  If you’re interested, there is also a website you can become a member of, AdoptOntario, which is a website displaying more profiles of children available for adoption in Ontario.

Right now in Canada, there are more than 30 000 children legally free for adoption in foster care, waiting for a family who will love them enough to give them forever.

To put this in perspective, if merely 10% of evangelical Christians in Canada adopted 1 child, all those children would be looking at a future that includes a family of their own.

What would Jesus do?

What would He say?

Would He care?

The Children’s Aid Society is doing the best they can with the funding and resources provided to them by the government.  No, they are not perfect…but to be fair…nobody is.  Originally, the Children’s Aid Society was run by the church, not the government.  In fact, throughout history it has always been the church who stepped forward to care for orphans.  Until now, of course.  Now we seem to think it’s someone else’s job to do.  This was our baby.  We dropped the ball.  So before we get too upset for the things the government is doing wrong…please remember these are not society’s children.  These are God’s children.  And if that is true…I can only think of one group of people responsible for their care.

The body of Christ.

What really put that in perspective for me was seeing profiles of children at the A.R.E. that specifically mentioned a Christian family as the ideal fit for the child.  Wow.

The first time we attended the A.R.E. was in April of 2013.  That is officially the first time we saw our daughters’ profiles.  We talked to their worker that day, saw a video of them, and took home their one page profiles, which we poured over alongside some others for the next 6 months.  We were not in a position to move forward at that time, since we were fostering two little boys.  Kirby, especially, was really drawn to Akeisha and Alexa’s profiles, which caught my attention.  Usually I am the one with the gut feelings and the drive!  To be honest, I was a little apprehensive.  Akeisha and Alexa were 6 and 4 at that time.  Though we were never looking to adopt an infant, I wasn’t sure I was ready to be Mommy to a 6 and 4 year old, either!  But I was really attracted to them, and I trusted Kirby’s instincts on this one.  As the weeks and months went by, I got more and more used to the idea of an ‘older child’ adoption.

By November of that same year, we were preparing to say goodbye to our little boys and attending the A.R.E. for the second time.  After having the boys for 10 months, we were ready to move on.

We wanted a family.

We wanted kids who would stay.

We felt a little wiped out; a little jaded by the pain…because yes, foster care will do that to you.

We had no idea if Akeisha and Alexa were even still available for adoption, so we did some investigating through our adoption worker and found out that they were, indeed, still waiting for a family!  This was exciting news, and we had high hopes going to the A.R.E. that November.

We came home even more enthused!

There were many kids (over 10) we were interested in, and our adoption worker assured us she felt we would be able to follow through with many of those options.  All the workers of the children we’d inquired about were very interested in us!  It felt like everything was falling into place, making our goodbye to our boys easier than it might have been.

The future looked so bright.

Over the next few months, I went through a dark and scary time.  Slowly, one by one, all the doors closed on us.

No.

No.

No.

I didn’t understand.  What was God doing?  Why was this happening?  I felt, for the millionth time, so out of control!  At the same time, I was missing my boys desperately and had no new foster children to distract me from the emptiness.

The only door that remained open…just a crack…was Akeisha and Alexa, now 7 and 5 years old.  We didn’t get a no, but we didn’t get anything!  We couldn’t get through to their adoption worker no matter how hard we tried.  She always seemed to be away.  Our adoption worker was not hopeful that option would work out, considering we had heard next to nothing.  We tried every little crack and hole we could possibly think of, but even I could not manage to get results!  God was making it clear that this was HIS work, not mine.  I would need to trust Him.

Christmas came and went.

I was starting to lose hope anything would change before the next A.R.E. in May of 2014.  That felt like a long time to wait!  We were resolved at this point to pursue adoption, not fostering, since taking another foster child would jeopardize our position of being available for adoption.

Then our foster care worker phoned.

Our local fostering agency was in a crisis.  They were desperately in need of more foster families, especially for babies.  Would we take this one child, on the condition that if something changed and we were able to move forward with adoption he would be moved to a new home?  Though it terrified me to think that this might mean waiting…again, for adoption…we felt like God was saying this was something we needed to do.

So, to be perfectly honest, I moved forward kicking and screaming, with walls built high.  I was determined not to commit too fully to this child.  I was not going to fall in love with those huge, brown eyes.  I was not going to get addicted to the soft baby skin.  I was not going to let that feeling of possession and protection overtake me.  Most importantly, I was going to try to make sure they were looking for a more permanent place for him.  Because if it came right down to it, I desperately wanted to be able to make the decision to have him moved if it meant we could move forward with adoption…and that was something I had never, ever wanted to do.  It went against everything I believed in.

But God had other plans.

Bigger plans.

I did fall in love.  Even when we heard from Akeisha and Alexa’s adoption worker and found out we could move forward!  Even as we went for meetings and fell in love with the girls we knew were going to be ours.  In the middle of it all, I had a choice to make.  Could I trust God to take care of the details and love this little life placed in my hands now?

I did give up and fight with all my might for this precious little life…especially when we traveled with him to Toronto for his heart surgery.  After all…it was not about me, was it?  I could not longer maintain my wall of self protection when I held his hand and watched him fight for every breath.  There was no space for any resistance in my heart as we spent hour after hour at his bedside, waiting for him to open his eyes.  We needed to be there.  God knew what He was doing.  It was far from my dream come true when we got the call that we were officially chosen for Akeisha and Alexa.  I had pictured being ecstatic…and free to just throw myself into excitement for the first time!  But instead, I was in a crowded cafeteria at the Eaton Centre, worrying about my baby two blocks away at the hospital.  I had no idea what we were going to do.  I was overjoyed to be chosen…but the sky was pretty dreary.  I couldn’t see how it was all going to work.  I felt like a traitor to our little boy, while at the same time knowing there were two little girls who desperately needed and deserved our commitment as well!

This little one’s story is still unfolding, as he is now in the care of my brother and sister-in-law while we move forward with adopting our daughters, Akeisha and Alexa.  (Long, amazing story :))

While we were in Toronto we got the final yes for our adoption, and we got the final yes that my brother and sister-in-law would take the little one we were caring for, and we watched the prayers of the saints lift one precious little boy to our Heavenly Father.

It was overwhelming.

It was a test of obedience.

It was beautiful.

Now, it’s June 2014.

We have spent the past two months visiting our daughters, Akeisha and Alexa.  They live a few hours away from us, so we have been doing lots of traveling back and forth.  They will be moving into our home permanently in the next month sometime, and we are…well…

we are over the moon with excitement!

We are terrified.

We are trusting and obeying one step at a time.

Thanks to God’s perfect timing, we are more ready than we have ever been.

Our girls are by far the best thing that has ever happened to us.  Despite some overwhelming emotions, they are excited to be moving to a forever family they can rightfully, possessively call their OWN!  The four of us together are the happiest place in the world right now 🙂  All my dreams are coming true…but as usual, not in the flowery, hazy way we imagine them but with simple, funny, gut wrenching reality that I wouldn’t change for the world!  It’s not perfect, but it’s good.  It’s not easy, but it’s right.  God has been so good to us.  Knowing our daughters are stepping into a realm of light spread by the workers of the Heavenly Kingdom, I am filled with confidence.

“He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Philllipians 1:6

AF

 

 

“Seven”

I love to read.

On a grey, rainy day (like today) there is nothing I feel like doing more than crawling into my p.j.’s and curling up on the couch with three pillows, a fuzzy blanket and a good book.  Unfortunately, I rarely have the freedom to do this, but it’s a thought that circles through my mind constantly every time I look outside and see rain…therefore completely eliminating any shred of motivation I once had!  I almost always have at least 2 or 3 books that I am in the process of reading.  I like to have a few on the go, so I can choose according to my mental or emotional state at the time.  Therefore, I am always on the lookout for a good book to hide on my shelf.

Recently I discovered there were numerous books in the library at church that I had never taken the advantage of borrowing.  (FREE books are my favourite!)

One of those books was Seven by Jen Hatmaker.  “An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.”

I am still not even half way through this book, but I just had to write about it because it is just that good!  🙂

In Seven Jen takes you on a hilarious, passionate and deeply honest journey into the materialistic chaos our western culture has become.  She journals about her 7 month long experiment of giving God control over 7 very personal areas of life that we love to sweep under the carpet and say…”It doesn’t matter that much!”

I am convicted.

Jesus had no place to lay his head while here on earth, and warned us again and again about the trap our earthly possessions create.  Not only that, there are people all over the world who are struggling merely to survive one day at a time…yet here I am.  Overindulging, hoarding, craving.  Me in all my glorious rubble.  1600 sq. feet, closets stuffed full of clothing and possessions, hundreds of dollars worth of food stocked in my fridge and pantry…yet still wanting more.  Shopping for the sake of shopping.  Carelessly throwing around that word ‘need’ to describe my unquenchable greed.  Not that big of a deal?  I challenge you to go around your house and start counting your stuff, or adding up dollars’ worth in your head as you look around your humble dwelling.  You will be shocked.  Guaranteed.

Unfortunately, at this point I am still mulling all this over in my mind…and planning on going scavenging other peoples’ junk at garage sales this weekend!  So don’t think I’m preaching at you.  Just thinking out loud.  (Yes, I know that is dangerous!)  Here’s a quick little summary of the experiment Jen Hatmaker describes.  I may or may not choose to go on my own little experiment.  Right now my flesh is screaming…please no!!  Let me know what your thoughts are, or better yet read the book yourself!  Keep in mind this is not some crazy idea simply relying on our own discipline to see what we can achieve.  This is about decreasing ME and increasing Christ.  Sacrificing stuff so that others might clearly see His Presence living in me.

Month #1 – Jen chooses to eat only 7 foods for an entire month!  Yes, 7.  Keep in mind that health is still important, so it needed to be foods that would sufficiently nurture her body, not just 7 of her favourites!  She chose chicken, eggs, whole wheat bread, sweet potatoes, spinach, avocados and apples.  Water was the only acceptable fluid and salt was the only seasoning permitted.  No extra sauces, no butter, no coffee…the list goes on and on.  A few friends decided to join her in this little experiment but adopted their own version.  They chose 7 of the world’s most impoverished countries and chose to eat as the poorest of each of those nations for three days each.  While they identified with each country’s poorest they remembered to pray for and educate themselves on that country’s struggles.

Month #2 – Clothes.  For one month Jen chose only 7 articles of clothing to wear.  Now, to clarify…two pairs of shoes counted as one item and undergarments didn’t count at all…but still!  7 articles of clothing to mix and match for a whole month!  Day in, day out!  No accessories, no coat, no making exceptions for that occasion where you really want to make a good impression!  I don’t know, girls.  I think we’d all do well to be put on this experiment for a month and have to come face to face with our own insecurity and obsession with what everyone else is thinking of us!  I know way too often I find myself looking in the mirror wondering how I’ll look to other people.  Ouch.

Month #3 – Possessions.  For one month Jen chose to give away 7 items she possessed…every day!  Only one week of that month was allowed to be clothing…and as many of us would find, Jen ended up giving away much more than 42 articles of clothing once the closet cut occurred!  Also, a rule for this month that I especially appreciated and hit me right in the gut was that the giving needed to be purposeful.  No just sorting through your junk and hauling it off to Goodwill.  This was not just ridding the house of extra stuff we’ve been needing to get rid of anyway, though I’m certain that would happen in the process!  If that were all this consisted of, I think I’d manage just fine!  I love to go through all my stuff and cart off bags stuffed with unused and unwanted items to the local Salvation Army Thrift Store.  The sad part is, I usually smile gleefully to myself packing up these bags because I am looking forward to replacing my old or unwanted items with new things.  It’s more like a trade off than decreasing my mound of earthly treasures.  No, this month consisted of surveying the overflow and having things available to give…then looking for people who needed them.  Not only did this rid the house of a bunch of stuff…this pressed Jen and her family and friends to have their eyes wide open and their hands holding loosely.  If you’re looking for needs…you will find them no problem.  If all you’re doing is sorting junk…you’ll probably have no clue what else to do with any of it other than dump it off at the thrift store or sell it at a garage sale.  Hm.

Month #4 – I haven’t actually gotten past this point in the book but looking forward to it!  Media steals the show for month 4 and with a quick peak ahead I see that Jen chooses 7 types of media to eliminate…yes, I said ELIMINATE…from her family’s time for the whole month.  She chose TV, Gaming, Facebook/Twitter, iPhone apps, Radio, Texting and Internet.  The last two had some exceptions.  Gulp.  I have thought a lot about this issue of media consumption, and have become disturbed at my own addiction to my phone and other types of media many times…but I have to admit this would be a huge stretch for me!  More of Him, less of me…

Month #5 – This month focuses on waste.  Jen chooses 7 habits to promote a ‘greener’ lifestyle.  Say what you will about God being in control of the earth, etc.  Like it or not, we are still stewards of our habitat and I believe respecting the environment and doing our best to care for it are God-honouring.  The 7 new ‘green’ habits Jen began this month were: gardening, composting, conserving energy and water, recycling, driving only one car, shopping thrift and second-hand and buying local only.

Month #6 – Spending…yup you got it.  7 places to spend money for a month and that’s it.  Originally I went…oh, that one’s not so bad.  But think.  7 places to spend money included the grocery store, the kids’ school, gas station, online bill pay, limited travel fund, emergency medical and only as a last resort and if needed…Target.  No McDonald’s.  No Tim Horton’s.  No shopping mall.  No movie rentals.  Might be harder than first expected!

Month #7 – Stress.  Not sure how this all comes together yet, so maybe I’ll have to update this once I have read chapter 7.  For month # 7 Jen and her family choose to reduce stress in their lives by 7 times a day taking a moment to pause from the chaos, meditate on God’s Word and pray.  Sounds interesting.  “Be still and know that I am God.”

So…

I will let you know what I decide to do about all this, and would love to hear your own ideas or experiences with the fight against materialism, greed and excess in our culture.

Wishing you a blessed day that consists of more of Jesus Christ, less of you.

AF

“Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lost his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.  For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lost his own soul?  Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?”

Mark 8:34-37

Mother’s Day 2014

Sunday was Mother’s Day.

I will try to keep this from getting too long and sappy, but I just had to share a bit about my day because it was so beautiful!

As you know, we are in the process of adopting our two daughters.  This means we are spending lots of time visiting them, getting to know each other bit by little bit in preparation for…THE BIG MOVE…planned tentatively for mid to late June 🙂  Thanks to a thoughtful adoption team, I got to spend Mother’s Day with my daughters and celebrate the holiday in the best way possible…simply being together!  It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and most of the time was spent outside.

We went canoeing on the lake.

We played at the park for hours in the fresh air and sunshine.

We played hide and seek.

We ate tall, swirly ice cream cones.

We went for a walk.

We blew bubbles.

We sang songs.

We laughed.

We hugged.

We kissed skinned knees.

We gave piggy back rides.

And I got to hear “Mommy” for the very first time 🙂

I came home with a tiny little bean sprout in a Styrofoam cup, and strict instructions to water it every day….OR IT WILL DIE!!

So I, who unfortunately has had a terrible record with house plants of any kind, will be trying my very best to keep that little bean sprout alive.  So far, so good 🙂

I also got some little scraps of paper cut by little fingers that love scissors!

It was the first day we got to spend more than a few hours with the girls, so it felt like we made some huge progress in getting to know each other.  Kirby and I came home exhausted (it’s been a while since we ran around playing all day long) but so SO happy 🙂

I hope that in the years to come, instead of wondering how many cards I will get, if my husband will bring me breakfast in bed, or if anyone even CARES…I will remember what it felt like to spend my very first ‘real’ Mother’s Day with my family and be delighted simply in their presence.

Thanks for taking the time to enjoy my day with me.

Happy Momma’s Day!

 

 

Do it with GuStO!

Do what’s right in front of you.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile.  God keeps pressing this phrase into my heart, playing it over and over through my mind.  I hear it on the days when I am being pulled in a thousand different directions.  I hear it on the days that are too quiet and I am letting myself worry about the future…and the past…and the present.  I hear it when I am overwhelmed by the unknowns and intimidated by the knowns.  I repeat it like a mantra at 6 o’clock when I’m exhausted and there’s still a thousand things to do.

Do what’s right in front of you…and do it with GUSTO!

Because…you see…if you never get a chance at tomorrow, or that next breath…it will only be the present that really matters.

Slow down.  Hold the baby longer than you need to, just to be sure he’s really sleeping peacefully instead of rushing off to the next chore.  Stop and get down on your knees to see that Lego house he built, the artwork being shoved into your hands or the ladybug on the ground.  Push yourself to get through the laundry folding now, while you have time, so it’s not one more thing driving you crazy in an hour.  Take a walk first thing, while the sun is still shining and the table is still covered in cheerios.     

Be willing to exert yourself beyond what you think you can muster; for others, yourself, and Jesus Christ.

This is sometimes the way that I survive foster care.  Tomorrow may be terrifying.  Tomorrow may be painful.  Tomorrow may change everything.  But right now, there is a diaper that needs changing.  There are little hands that need to be held.  There are noodles to scoop and smiles to return.  Do what’s right in front of you.  There is no point wasting this moment because the next one looks so hard you can hardly breathe.  This moment is just as important as the next one.  The little moments add up to be something valuable.

So many people say to me, “I could never do that.  I could never let them go.”

Well…maybe you could.  Maybe you could if you realized that these little moments are just as important as the big ones.  This child may leave.  Your heart may break.  You will cry.  You might feel like you are of no significance.  But somebody still needs to care enough to bake him cookies.  Somebody still needs to be willing to put a band aid on her knee.  Somebody needs to love them while they’re in between homes.  Someone needs to be there at 2 o’clock in the morning, to do the crisis care.  Someone needs to stay up all night.  Someone needs to be there…today…right now.  Maybe tomorrow, he will go back home.  Maybe next month, she will move on to an adoptive home, and you will be left behind.  Maybe you will get no credit, no gain, no accolades…but somebody still needs to do the now.

I used to always say I wanted to adopt, but that I could never foster because it would hurt too much.  Then God reminded me that the kids don’t get to choose.  They don’t get to choose the least painful route.  They don’t get to decide that it’s too hard for them.  They don’t get to evaluate whether they will get any personal gain.  It just happens.  So I stopped feeling proud when I proclaimed boldly that I just couldn’t let them go…and instead began to feel incredible shame.  I was so busy protecting my own heart that I forgot the kids did not have that option.  If they were forced into letting go, losing everything they loved, being thrown into unfamiliar homes with unfamiliar people time after time after time…surely I could choose to love despite the pain.  Especially when I open my Bible and realize how much pain Jesus suffered, simply because He chose to love me. 

Now…I am on the other end.

In two months, my daughters, who I have just met in the past two weeks…will move here, to their new home with us.  I am ecstatic.  I am absolutely in awe.  I have waited a lifetime to be able to love and never let go.  Finally I get to be a part of the big picture, the one who gets to see the long term results and reap the long term benefits of parenting.  I can’t wait to jump in with two feet!             

But you know what?

I am so thankful for the past two years of letting go…again…and again…and again.  Because now I can understand that while I am gaining everything, they are losing alongside their gaining.  They are losing so much.  They are losing a home, friends, family, school, toys and the security they have established where they are.  

This does not make me want to change my mind, because they desperately need permanence.  They need a Mommy and Daddy that will be theirs forever.  But it helps me understand that it is not going to be picture perfect.  There are going to be very difficult days.  There is going to be fear, and anger and mistrust.  I am not always going to feel like this is the happily ever after it was supposed to be.   

Now I can understand and appreciate that while I was in training, while I was still walking the journey, someone else was willing to pour out their hearts for my daughters.  Someone else was willing to do the little things, day after day.  Thank you. 

And I hope that in the next few months, with the future looming large and terrifying and exhilarating before me…that I will be able to relax and enjoy the ride 🙂  I don’t want to miss a thing.  

Do what’s right in front of you.

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Decided to Start a Blog (and possibly a few more thoughts)

So…

I did indeed decide to start a blog!  To tell you the truth this is not a well thought out mission and may end in abandonment, but I do believe at the moment that this is a good idea 🙂  There is a lot going on in my life right now and I have always enjoyed sharing my ideas with others through writing.  There are so many thoughts that get stuck in my brain that I would love to be able to share…and I am hoping this can be a place where the best of those…and maybe a few more…can make it.  I would like to share a bit about my journey to adoption and foster care, as well as provide education and exposure on that topic.  My walk with Jesus Christ is a continual adventure filled with incredible joy, humbling self discoveries, passion and always His grace arching over it all.  This touches every part of my life, so it will be weaved through every post, sometimes obvious sometimes subtle.  I invite you to join me on this ride, and hope this can be a place where Jesus Christ is magnified and the Kingdom of Heaven is advanced!

Talk soon

AF